Sadistic Rage III

[Sedition: The Rev]

**Rev and Gladiator are staring at a TV monitor backstage. They're both scratching their heads as a panning shot shows the entire arena.**

REV: Something is wrong here.

GLADIATOR: Maybe it's the reception. Where are those rabbit ears? I know how to fix it.

REV: No it's not the reception, and TV's don't have rabbit ears anymore.

GLADIATOR: Hmmm...... You're right. That IS weird.

**Rev and Gladiator move closer to the screen. Rev presses a button on his watch communicator.**

REV: Cameraman #1, I need you to zoom in closer to the ring.

**The screen now shows a closer view of the ringside area. Rev and Gladiator continue to stare at it.**

GLADIATOR: Okay, I agree something is off here. Staring at a screen isn't going to help us. Time to go through our PPV check list.

**Gladiator pulls out his PDA (yes, some people still use those) and he begins scrolling through items**

GLADIATOR: Doors unlocked and fans filing into the arena.... Check..... Deadly impaling spikes being installed for Extreme Combat Title Match....... Check..... Ian DeTornado smuggled past customs......... Check........... Joe Aiello, Ray Lyndon, and former Academy Award nominee and current wandering hobo Tom Berenger at the commentators station and ready to begin the show......... Check........... Canned corned beef sandwich/ boxed gingerbread cookie buffet prepared for talent...... Check.

REV:Wait a minute, that's it! Now I know what's wrong.

GLADIATOR: You're right. Spam would have been better. It's Christmas time, we need to treat the staff once and a while.

REV: Not that. What you said about Joe, Ray and Tom being ready at the commentators station. Look at this shot. Now tell me, in the history of SAWA, what is the one thing we can guarantee will happen every single Pay Per View event?

GLADIATOR: Joe Aiello always escapes before the show begins.

REV: And look who's standing out there obediently.

**The camera shot zooms in on a very happy looking Joe Aiello standing at ringside next to Ray Lyndon and Tom Berenger.**

GLADIATOR: Joe Aiello is here! What kind of mischief is afoot at Sadistic Rage?

____________________

PRESENTS

Live from
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, USA

**The fans are packed to the rafters in the arena. Literally. SWA management over sold seats for the show, so many fans have been forced to hang from the rafters to attend. Crew members are hard at work installing impaling spikes near the entrance way in preparation for the Extreme Combat Title match. Armed guards on loan from Gladiator's monkey army patrol the ringside area. The always excitable Ray Lyndon, the always hungry and shelter deprived Tom Berenger, and the surprisngly attendant Joe Aiello all stand at ringside.**

RAY: We are live from San Francisco for Sadistic Rage!!!

TOM: That's Sacramento.

RAY: We are live from Sacramento for Sadistic Rage!!!

JOE: That's Sadistic Rage III.

RAY: We are live from Sacramento for Sadistic Rage III!!! Welcome fans from around the world that shelled out $49.95 to watch this event live on Pay Per View, and a very special shout out to all the fans torrenting this show for free tomorrow afternoon! We come to you from the PAST!!!! Ooooooo!

TOM: I am super pumped.

RAY: Are you super pumped for the most spectacular line up of matches we have scheduled for tonight?

TOM: No. I had no idea we'd be eating as nutritious as canned corned beef and gingerbread cookies. This is gonna be my best meal since that night I spent camped out behind the dumpster at Arby's.

**The crowd's reaction turns from their usual screaming fits to a harsh boo as Rev and Gladiator, SWA owners, General Managers, and all around despicable guys come charging down the aisle. They get right into Joe Aiello's face, who tries to move out of the way, but he's shackkled hard at the ankles.**

REV: What are you doing here, Joe? You're never here for Pay Per Views.

GLADIATOR: Yeah. You're usually making a break for it. Why are you suddenly so submissive to our tyrannical rule over your life and soul?

JOE: Can't a guy just be a team player for once?

REV: You're never a team player. You're up to something, and I want to know what it is.

JOE: I've had a change of heart. I've accepted my place as a slave for life.

GLADIATOR: We'll be watching you, Joe. You've allied with everyone from Marty Jannetty to Michael Moore to try and escape our possession. You won't get away, so don't even try anything. We will be watching.

**Rev and Gladiator both walk back through the entrance with their heads looking over their shoulders at Joe, who stands still smiling.**

TOM: Hey can we get some of those corned beef sandwiches, or do we have to wait for half time?

RAY: Moving along, this is Sadistic Rage II, and the show is going to be explosive tonight! Take a look at what we have scheduled?

SWA CHAMPIONSHIP

IAN DE TORNADO
-vs-
PSYCHO DRAGON

---

_____________

ANYTHING GOES INCLUDING INJECTING YOUR OPPONENT WITH H1N1
(Virus and syringes to be provided by SWA management)

GABREAL MARTIN
-vs-
LARSEN VAN DER KAMP

---

_____________

DEFENDING THE HONOR OF 80S TV STARS GRUDGE MATCH
Featuring The Fonz and Nick from Family Ties!!!

DR ROSEN
-vs-
JAMES CHAMBERS

---

_____________

EXTREME COMBAT CHAMPIONSHIP
IMPALER MATCH

TEEN THROB
-vs-
LARSEN VAN DER KAMP
-vs-
BRANDEN HARVEY

--- ---

_____________

REGULAR MATCH

WAYLON HAWTHORNE
-vs-
CHIP PEKURNY

---

_____________

RAY: This is huge..... this is monstrous..... this is the single biggest SWA show since............. since....... since......

JOE: Since Sadistic Rage II?

RAY: Since Sadistic Rage II!

TOM: I'm excited too. This is a very important show. I even combed my stubble to look my best.

RAY: Before we get to all those incredible matches we have a great opening bout. Hell's Reject made his debut a few weeks ago, where he lost out to Larsen Van Der Kamp and Branden Harvey in the Extreme Combat Battle Royal. It was that match that gave Harvey and Van Der Kamp the title shot at Teen Throb tonight. Maybe Hell's Reject will have a better chance tonight. His opponents include Wade Wilson, one of the biggest stars in TakeDown, and none other than...

JOE: The team that I never asked for, but I'm coaching for a win tonight. Got Milk? Go to it boys..... or calfs..... whatever...... just get in there.

FOUR MAN TRIPLE THREAT MATCH

WADE WILSON
-vs-
HELL'S REJECT
-vs-
GOT MILK?

“I am Cow” begins to play and Got Milk? looks up from behind the broadcast table. It appears if they’ve been silently trying to hacksaw through Aiello’s leg shackle. Joey motions them towards the ring. Got Milk? drops their hacksaws and rush into the ring.

TOM: What's with the hacksaws, Joe?

JOE: Nothing! Nothing at all! Hey, look at Got Milk in there doing their thing!

The whole arena turns dark, then huge pyrotechnic explodes at the entrance stage, the song "The Devil" begins to play at the PA and the stage and ramp side are now starting to be filled with fire. Then at the middle of fire at the stage, Sinichi Yagami appears with in his pure white outfit and begins to walk slowly towards the ring. Upon entered the ring, he will then kneel on his one knee, raises his right open hand, then pulled it down as fire pyrotechnics explodes in the ring post.

RAY: Those pyros scared the living daylights out of me!

JOE: This guys scares the living daylights out of me.

"Jungle Love" blares over the speakers and the crowd looks around for Wade Wilson. The song continues to play on but he doesn’t appear. The ref shrugs and cues the music to stop.

RAY: No Wade Wilson?

JOE: Not a good sign for the Masks 4 Hire.

The ref calls for the bell and Got Milk? starts playing rock paper scissors. Cow #1 wins and Cow #2 starts to head for the corner, before they can focus on the match, HR hits Cow #1 from behind, causing him to fall against his partner, both men crash against the ropes. Cow #2 falls to the mat and rolls out of the ring onto the floor while Cow #1 pushes himself off the ropes and stumbles towards HR. HR grabs Cow #1 and whips him into the opposite set of ropes. Cow #1 bounces off and HR hits him with a standing dropkick. Cow #2 climbs back up on to the apron and stands in the corner. HR is quickly on top of Cow #1 hitting with a series of lefts and rights. Cow #2 moos loudly in the corner. HR lets up the assault long enough to lock in an armbar on Cow #1. HR applies pressure to the hold and Cow #1 moos loudly in pain. Cow #1 thrashes about on the mat and eventually breaks free of the hold. He rolls across the entire ring and makes a tag to Cow #2.

JOE: This is painful to watch.

Cow #2 charges at HR and hits him with a hard clothesline that knocks him to the mat. Cow #2 begins to stomp at HR and eventually picks him up and whips him into the corner. Cow #2 is quick to follow up with a splash into the turnbuckle. HR slumps to the mat in the corner. Cow #2 runs around the ring and hits HR with a bronco buster. Cow #1 jumps for joy on the apron. Cow #2 pulls HR to his feet and nails a near perfect DDT. Cow #2 quickly goes for the cover.

..1…



2…




Kickout.

HR manages to get his shoulder up. Cow #2 jumps up, celebrating as he thinks he’s gotten the three count. HR crouches behind him and nails a low blow; Cow #2 falls to the mat holding his groin. HR drags him to the centre of the ring and hits a standing moonsault; HR makes the cover.

..1…



2…




Kickout.

Cow #2 pushes HR off of him and gives him a stiff punch to the jaw before making a leaping tag to Cow #1. HR rubs his jaw and charges at Cow #1, connecting with a flying knee. Cow #1 stands holding his stomach as HR jumps up to the second turnbuckle and executes a huricanrana. HR is quick to get back to his feet and stomps the prone cow a few times before springboarding off the ropes and hitting a shooting star press. He starts to make another cover but Cow #2 rushes into the ring. HR sees him coming and stops him dead in his tracks with The Devil’s mist. Cow #2 moos in pain, covering his eyes, red mist staining his mask. Aiello pounds the broadcast table in anger.

JOE: Get in the game you stupid cows!

RAY: Take it easy, Joe. You're going to burst a blood vessel.

JOE: You're one to talk!

HR makes the cover.

..1

Aiello tosses a chair into the ring.

..2

Cow #2 picks it up, vision still blurred from the mist. He swings the chair wildly, HR rolls out of the way and Cow #2 hits Cow #1 square in the face. Cow #2 drops the chair and crouches beside his partner, check to see if he’s ok.

JOE: Noooo!!!

TOM: Flattened like a hamburger patty. Get it? Cows are made of beef.

RAY: You mean beef is made of cows?

TOM: Whatever. It's all edible.

HR picks up the chair and cracks Cow #2 in the back with it; Cow #2 falls on top of #1. HR pulls Cow #2 off and tosses him outside the ring where he lands with a hard thud. HR places the dented char in the middle of the ring and pulls Cow #1 to his feet. HR signals to the crowd and delivers his finisher; Stairway to Hell, a Tombstone piledriver onto the chair. HR makes the cover.

..1…




2…




3.

Winner: "Hell's Reject" Sinichi Yagami

JOE: Why do I even try? There's no getting through to these morons.

RAY: Take it easy. They gave it their best shot. Hell's Reject on the other hand has officially redeemed himself from a lackluster performance in his debut. He's a force to be reckoned with.

_______________

(Waylon Hawthorne walks into the arena. He goes into his dressing room. Hawthorne starts digging in his bag)

HAWTHORNE: Stupid ghost of "Superstar" Billy Graham. I'll show him.

(Hawthorne pulls big bushy black novelty beard out of his bag. He pulls it up to his face.)

HAWTHORNE: With this big bushy beard I'll be unstoppable. SWA Championship here I come.

(Hawthorne uses a glue and glues on the beard.)

HAWTHORNE: Now I'm good and studly.

(Hawthorne puffs up his chest and walks into the hallway. He struts down the hall sporting his awesome beard. Most people point and laugh at him. Two men come up from behind him and tap him on the shoulder. Hawthorne turns around and sees Bob Backlund and "Superstar" Billy Graham.)

BOB BACKLUND: Waylon, long time no see.

"SUPERSTAR" BILLY GRAHAM: I see you still have the fake beard.

(Hawthorne shrieks like a girl.)

HAWTHORNE: Leave me alone! Stop haunting me! And the beard is real Dagnabbit!

(Hawthorne runs down the hall screaming.)

BOB BACKLUND: What got into him?

"SUPERSTAR" BILLY GRAHAM: Probably still sore that he can't grow facial hair. Oh well, let's go find our seats.

___________

RAY: Waylon Hawthorne has finally lost it. He's betting on the maghical power of a beard to win this match.

TOM: Not even a real beard. A fake one. I know a couple of hobos in shanty town who can put that beard to shame.

**Ray and Tom both turn their heads towards Joe. There's a metallic screeching sound coming from under Joe's desk. They see the team of Got Milk on their hands and knees continuing to saw away at the shackles.**

RAY: What is that sound? What are those fools doing with hacksaws?

JOE: Nothing. Nothing at all. Hey boys..... Ixnay on the acksaw-hay.

**Cow #1 and Cow #2 toss the hacksaws into the crowd. A scream is heard in the distance.**

RAY: Back on topic, “Geriatric” Waylon Hawthorne is trying anything he can to win tonight. He's one of SWA's most respected veterans, but there's no doubt he's not getting any younger. Lucky for Hawthorne his opponent tonight has next to no wrestling experience. Rev and Gladiator's financial adviser, CHIP PEKURNY! Is appearing tonight against his father's wishes. He still feels he has something to prove. It's age vs youth, old vs young, senior vs junior....

TOM: Those are all the same things.

RAY: That they are, my good man! That they are.

REGULAR MATCH

WAYLON HAWTHORNE
-vs-
CHIP PEKURNY

---

“The Last Saskatchewan Pirate” begins to play. Waylon walks out onto the stage sporting his glued on beard and flexes his saggy old man muscles. Waylon walks down the aisle. About halfway to the ring he seems to forget what he’s doing. He looks around and sees the ring and suddenly remembers what he’s supposed to do. He climbs up onto the apron and steps through the ropes. He stands in the middle of the ring and does a dopey old man dance.

VIRGIL: Introducing first, from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, weighing 245 lbs, GERIATRIC WAYLON HAWTHORNE!!!

The Theme music from Dallas plays and the crowd boos. CHIP PEKURNY walks down the aisle dressed in his usually wrestling gear, gym shorts and a sweater vest. CHIP hands out business cards on his way down to the ring. He rolls into the ring and tosses the remaining cards out to the crowd.

VIRGIL: His opponent, from New Haven, Connecticutt, weighing 210lbs, CHIP PEKURNY!!!

Hawthorne charges at Chip and Spears him to the ground. Hawthorne starts punching Chip to the forehead. The fans count along as Hawthorne punches Chip 10 times. Hawthorne picks Chip up and throws him out of the ring. Hawthorne climbs up to the top rope. Chip gets on his feet and Hawthorne jumps off the top rope with a Double Axe Handle. Chip drops to the ground. Hawthorne picks Chip up and attempts to whip him to the barricade, but Chip reverses the whip and hits Hawthorne with a Short Arm Clothesline. Chip picks up a chair. Hawthorne gets up on his feet and Chip swings the chair, but Hawthorne ducks it. Hawthorne hits Chip with a lowblow. Chip drops to the ground. Hawthorne gets up and picks Chip up. He executes a Piledriver to the concrete. Hawthorne picks Chip up and throws him in the ring. Hawthorne rolls into the ring and covers Chip,

1...

2...

Chip kicks out. Hawthorne picks Chip up and whips him off the ropes. Chip bounces off the ropes and Hawthorne delivers a vicious Spinebuster. Hawthorne goes for the cover again,

1...

2...

Chip kicks out. Hawthorne picks Chip up and throws him out of the ring. Hawthorne rolls out of the ring. He grabs a cameraman and throws him down to the ground. Hawthorne picks up the video camera. Chip gets up on his feet and Hawthorne nails him over the head with the camera. Chip drops to the ground.

RAY: Wow! We are seeing a much more aggressive side of Waylon Hawthorne tonight.

TOM: Must be the beard.

Hawthorne picks Chip up and drags him to the ring. He throws Chip into the ring and rolls in. Hawthorne goes for the cover,

1...

2...

Chip gets his shoulder up. Hawthorne rolls out of the ring and grabs the ring bell. He climbs into the ring with the bell in his hand. Hawthorn places the bell in the middle of the ring. He picks Chip up and executes a Front Russian Leg Sweep. On the way down Chip's face hits the bell. Hawthorne goes for another cover,

1...

2...

Chip kicks out. Hawthorne climbs up on the top rope. Chip gets up on his feet. Hawthorne dives off the top rope with a Double Axe Handle, but as he drops down Chip hits him with a Superkick to the face. Hawthorne stumbles back and leans against the ropes. Chip picks up the bell and runs at Hawthorne. Chip hits Hawthorne over the head with the bell and he flips over the top rope and drops down to the outside. Chip climbs up to the top rope. Hawthorne gets up on his feet and Chip jumps off the top rope with the bell in his hands and nails Hawthorne over the head with the bell on the way down. Hawthorne drops down to the concrete and Chip drops the bell.

RAY: I wasn't aware that this match was anything goes.

AIELLO: It's not. The referees don't have a union to protect them so they figure it's best not to get involved.

TOM: Unions are useless anyways. Where were the actors unions when they snatched Major League 3 away from me and let Backula suck up the series.

Chip picks Hawthorne up and throws him into the ring. Chip goes underneath the ring and pulls out a table. He sets the table up on the outside of the ring. Chip rolls into the ring and picks Hawthorne up. He places Hawthorne on the top turnbuckle facing the outside. Chip steps out on the apron. He climbs up to the top rope and executes a Superplex through the table. The fans jump out of their seats and start chanting SWA! SWA! SWA! Chip slowly gets up on his feet. He picks Hawthorne up and throws him into the ring. Chip climbs up on the apron and climbs up to the top rope. He dives off and drops down on Hawthorne with a Frog Splash. Chip goes for the cover,

1...

2...

Hawthorne gets his shoulder up. Chip picks Hawthorne up and whips him off the ropes. Hawthorne bounces off the ropes and Chip delivers a Belly to Belly Suplex. Chip picks Hawthorne up and whips him off the ropes. Hawthorne bounces off the ropes and Chip ducks down, but Hawthorne grabs him by the head and executes a Running DDT. Both men lie out cold on the mat and the ref begins to count them both down

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9...

Hawthorne rolls over and covers Chip,

1...

2...

Chip kicks out. Both men get up on their feet and Chip runs at Hawthorne and does a Sunset Flip over him. Chip tries to pull Hawthorne down for the pin, but Hawthorne reaches down and grabs Chip by the neck. He lifts Chip off the mat and into the air. Hawthorne then Chokeslams Chip down to the mat. Hawthorne goes for the cover,

1...

2...

Chip kicks out. Hawthorne picks Chip up and throws him to the outside.

RAY: Both of these warriors are showing amazing resilience tonight.

AIELLO: I wouldn't go that far, but they are definitely doing well for a Geriatric man, and a spoiled rich kid.

TOM: I was rich once. Ah, the good old 80's how I miss you/

Hawthorne steps out of the ring. He grabs Chip and Piledrives him to the concrete. Hawthorne picks Chip up and throws him onto the broadcast table. Hawthorne climbs into the ring and climbs up to the top rope. He dives off the top rope and drops down on Chip with Superfly style Splash. They both crash through the broadcast table. The fans jump on their feet and give Hawthorne a standing ovation. Hawthorne gets up on his feet and takes in the cheers. He looks in the front row and spots "Superstar" Billy Graham and Bob Backlund cheering him on. Hawthorne screams in terror and runs away. He runs down the aisle screaming something about ghosts. The ref looks down at Chip in the wreckage of the broadcast table. He then looks at the aisle where Hawthorne has now disappeared backstage. The ref begins to count both men out,

1...

2...

3...

4...

5...

6...

Chip starts to get to his feet. He gets up on his knees and starts to crawl back towards the ring. Bob Backlund and "Superstar" Billy Graham both reach through the barricade and each grab one of Chip's legs.

7...

8...

9...

Chip struggles to free himself from the grasps of the legends, but is unable to get free.

10!!!

VIRGIL: This match is a Double Countout.

RAY: What a shocker!

JOE: How is that a shocker?

RAY: I didn't think SWA officials followed the rules.

JOE: I'd say it's a bigger shocker that any employee of this company can successfully count to ten.

_____________

**Backstage, Michael Saint is going through some paper work. He's standing outside of Rev's office. Gabreal Martin walks past.**

GABREAL: How does it feel to be one-upped yet again by me?

SAINT: You didn't one-up me. You've been avoiding Van Der Kamp's challenges ever since Spring Breakdown. I made it my goal to force you into a match with him, and I accomplished that goal.

GABREAL: Yes, but I got the last laugh. Van Der Kamp is no double booked, and thanks to my suggestion, his Extreme Combat Title match is first up on the schedule. With any luck he'll be impaled and on an operating table before my match is even scheduled to start. Worst case scenario he'll be worn out and an easy win for me. Van Der Kamp will have nothing left in him by the time my match comes. Either way, I win.

SAINT: We'll see.

**Saint gives the door a knock. He leaves Gabe out in the hall and enters Rev's office.**

REV: Can't you see I'm a busy man?

SAINT: This will only take a second. You see, I was out at a club last night watching an exclusive solo performance of John Oates of Hall and Oates fame....

REV: John Oates had an exclusive solo performance and you didn't tell me? No!!!!!!

SAINT: Sorry. I think I lost your number. The thing is, Oates and I were talking after the gig, and I mentioned that I was working with you. Apparently he's a big fan.

**Rev gasps.**

REV: Oates from Hall and Oates is a fan of MINE?

SAINT: You betcha! I promised him that I'd get you to autograph this completely useless scrap of paper for him. I know you're busy, but he said it would really make his day.

REV: Say no more.

**Rev grabs the paperwork and scribbles a signature at the bottom.**

REV: Anything for Hall and/or Oates.

SAINT: Thanks, Rev. I know he'll appreciate it.

**Rev is smiling big as Saint walks out of the office and closes the door behind him. He hands the papers over to Gabreal Martin who's still outside.**

SAINT: Your entire strategy was to have Van Der Kamp worn out before his match with you? I say checkmate to that.

**Saint hands the papers over to Gabreal Martin who reads it out loud.**

GABREAL: I, The Rev, owner and general manager of Sedition Wrestling Alliance, being of sound mind and body, do hereby agree to have the Extreme Combat Championship Impaler Match moved to the main event slot of Sadistic Rage III. Signed, yours truly..... The Rev..... Rock on! What's this?

SAINT: Exactly what it says. Rev just signed away the main event slot. That means Van Der Kamp's OTHER match with Teen Throb and Branden Harvey will now headline Sadistic Rage III. That means all other matches are bumped back on the card, including your match with Van Der Kamp. Looks like both of you will be going into this at 100%. Should be an interesting match.

**Saint folds up the papers and puts it in his pocket. As he walks away, Gabreal martin storms into Rev's office. He finds Rev singing along to a youtube video of “Maneater” by Hall and Oates.**

GABREAL: Do you realize what you have done?

___________

JOE: Sweet justice!

RAY: Is that legal?

JOE: Completely.

RAY: After months of excuses, schemes, phony injuries and illnesses, and blatant manipulation of the system, Gabreal Martin will finally face Larsen Van Der Kamp here tonight. That and more are still to come.

TO BE CONTINUED:

Remaining results to be posted throughout the day tomorrow.......

[Sedition: The Rev]

**As Ray is preparing to speak, he's interrupted by a metallic clinking sound, followed in sequence by two quiet MOOS. Ray and Tom look over at Joe. They see nothing out of the ordinary. They look underneath Joe's chair and see both Cow #1 and Cow#2 from Got Milk? Trying to pick the locks that hold the chains around Joe's body to the chair. The cows whisper their next Moos and stop what they're doing.**

JOE: What?

RAY: Nothing. Getting back to the show now. Can someone explain to me why Dr. Rosen and James Chambers, two long time Sedition allies and team members, are suddenly at each other's throats and booked against each other on this card?

JOE: It all started with a debate over two 80s sitcom stars. A very heated debate between who was better between The Fonz from Happy Days or Nick from Family Ties.

TOM: Two guys playing the same role. Both had leather jackets. Both were the “cool guys” among a bunch of squares. Both uttered the catch phrase of “ehhhhh!!” Talk about a lack of range. I was nominated from an Academy Award!

JOE: We're all aware of that. Personally I've just accepted that anything involving any member of The Sedition will make no sense whatsoever.

RAY: Thank you for that. I guess that explain why we now go down to the crowd, where SWA interviewer Travis Malloy is joined by Henry Winkler.

**It cuts to a ringside seat on the opposite side of the floor. Travis Malloy is standing on the other side of the barricade from The Fonz himself, otherwise known as Henry Winkler.**

TRAVIS: I'm here with television icon Henry Winkler. In the last couple of weeks we have seen a bizarre rivalry develop when James Chambers made the statement that Nick from Family Ties was the ultimate cool guy of 80s television. The psychotic Dr. Rosen then backed you as the greatest. This escalated into a fist fight, and now a match live on pay per view all surrounding the defense of your honor. What do you have to say about this?

WINKLER: It's always good to see a fan resort to physical violence and intimidation to defend The Fonz. This is a proud day for me. Win, lose or draw, Dr. Rosen has done The Fonz proud. Ehhhhhh!!!!! Back to you, Mr. C!

TRAVIS: But my name is Malloy.

WINKLER: Back to you, Mr. C!

TRAVIS: Insightful words. On the flip side we now are joined by actor Scott Valentine, most famous for playing Nick on Family Ties. How do you feel today, Scott?

VALENTINE: Ehhhhh! I'm just glad to be back on TV! MALLORY!!!!!! MALLORY!!!!

TRAVIS: Yes, but howdo you feel about James Chambers feeling so strongly about defending your honour that he's willing to beat a woman to a bloody pulp to do it?

VALENTINE: Woah..... I feel kind of like....... happy......... Listen, can you get me a job here? I'd kind of like to do what you're doing. I don't have much education, but I look good in a leather jacket and earring.

WINKLER: Not as good as I look in leather. Eat your heart out ladies!

**Henry Winkler slips on his brown leather jacket and flips the collar up. Scott Valentine rips the jacket off Henry Winkler and puts it on himself. Henry Winkler pulls it off and they start fighting over it.**

WINKLER: Let it go! This is my property!

VALENTINE: Mallory!!!!!!!! Mallory!!!!!!.

**Travis Malloy tries to pull them apart. He signals to the camera to cut away. Next thing you know it's back to Ray, Joe and Tom at the commentators table. They're speechless.**

RAY: What was............ Why did.................. How come................. Never mind. Lets just get to the match.

DEFENDING THE HONOR OF 80S TV STARS GRUDGE MATCH
Featuring The Fonz and Nick from Family Ties!!!

DR ROSEN
-vs-
JAMES CHAMBERS

---

“On My Way to the Cage” by Rollins Band blasts over the PA. James Chambers poses in the entrance way before heading down the aisle. He starts shaking a few hands and fondling a few woman as he heads down the while. As Chambers starts to walk down the aisle, someone wearing a terrible fake disguise spits on him. It's clearly a woman, showing cleavage and all, wearing a heavy bushy beard. Chambers raises a fist to hit her, but pauses. She rips off her fake beard and reveals her TRUE identity. You all guessed it. It's Dr. Rosen!

RAY: It's Dr. Rosen in a fake beard!

TOM: She must have swiped that from Hawthorne.

JOE: Can't anyone in this company grow a real beard?

Dr. Rosen pulls Chambers over the barricade and into the crowd with her. Rosen and Chambers are exchanging blows furiously back and forth as they force their way through row after row of SWA fans in the floor seats. They stumble over chairs and (as always) knock over and knock out fans as they continue to fight their way through the audience. Many of their thrown fists hit fans instead.

RAY: Is nobody in this arena safe?

JOE: As long as it's the fans and referees getting hurt and not me, I'm okay with it.

They reach the front row. Rosen hits Chambers with a Clothesline and knocks him over the barricade. Chambers gets right back up and grabs hold of Rosen, suplexing her over the barricade and onto the concrete floor outside the ring. Chambers rolls under the ropes and stands up. Rosen is right behind him. Suddenly they both appear calm and collected. They both breathe heavily. Chambers looks to Scott Valentine from Family Ties in the front row giving an encouraging thumbs up. Rosen looks to Henry Winkler from Happy Days mouthing the words "no mercy".

RAY: I never pictured The Fonz being so violent. He has a mean temper.

TOM: I hear he shoots up with school kids too.

RAY: He most certainly does not.

TOM: Yeah but all it takes is that little bit of doubt, and his next guest starring role will be cancelled and recast as a Tom Berenger role.

Chambers and Rosen stand in the center of the ring staring each other down. They lock up in the middle of the ring. Chambers gets the upper hand with a twist of Dr. Rosen's arm. Rosen reverses with a twist of Chambers's arm. Rosen pulls Chambers towards her and hits him with a knee to the groin. Chambers hits the mat. Rosen attempts an elbow smash, but Chambers rolls out of the way. Rosen's elbow smashes onto the mat. She and Chambers both get to their feet. Dr. Rosen rolls Chambers up in a Small Package

1...




2...




Chambers reverses the small package!

1...




2...





Rosen kicks out.


Simultaeously, both competitors get to their feet and this time it's Chambers who kicks Rosen in the groin. As everyone in the arena EXCEPT for James Chambers expected, this has very little effect on Rosen. She laughs in his face. Chambers realizes his mistake and quickly recovers. He delivers a powerful headbutt to Rosen's face. Her nose cracks and starts bleeding. He grabs Rosen and tosses her out of the ring. Chambers stands in the center of the ring, and receives some cheers from the fans, but some boos. Chambers climbs up on the top rope as Rosen gets to her feet on the outside. Chambers flies off the top rope and nails Rosen with a Cross Body Block. Chambers stands up and grabs Rosen by her hair. Chambers drags Rosen over to the broadcast tables and lies her on top.

JOE: Oh come on! Couldn't they go hurt some fans instead?

RAY: Look out, here he comes!

Chambers climbs back into the ring. He runs towards the ropes and springboards off of them. Chambers flies over the ropes and to the outside and prepares to splash down on Rosen. Rosen rolls off the table in the nick of time, and Chambers crashes through. Chambers lies in the mess made up of splintered particle board, shattered electronics, and Tom Berenger's lunch scraps that used to be the broadcast table.

TOM: My manwich!!!!

Dr. Rosen picks James Chambers up and throws him into the ring. Rosen fishes under the ring for a weapon of some kind. All she pulls out is the ever dreaded...... cookie sheet! Looking for something better she digs deeper and pulls out a hypodermic needle.

RAY: That must be for the Martin/ Van Der Kamp match later on.

JOE: Or it was tossed by some of our roadies.

She discards the needle and cookie sheet and turns to Henry Winkler for assistance. He hands her a his greatest possession. The brown leather jacket of The Fonz! Winkler gives Rosen a thumbs up. She looks at it and shrugs her shoulders. Unsatisfied with even that weapon, she hands the jacket back to Winkler and throws the always feared cookie sheet into the ring and slides in after it. The fans boo at the poor choice of weapon that would only be used in wimpy feds like WWE or EWC. A lightbulb goes off in Rosen's head. She heads back out to the outside and approaches a fan at ringside. After slipping the fan a $20 bill he hands her two samurai swords!

JOE: Can someone explain to me why one of the fans is just carrying two samurai swords on him?

TOM: You never do?

Rosen places a samurai sword in each hand and climbs into the ring. She approaches Chambers who backs himself into a corner. Rosen swings each sword trying to hit him. Chambers ducks underneath each time. Rosen places the two swords together like a pair of scissors and closes them in around Chambers neck. Before she can cut him, there's a loud scream from the crowd.

VALENTINE: Mallory!!!!!!!!

Scott Valentine throws his full glass of coke into the ring. It hits Rosen in the face and explodes in a fizzing carbonated mist. Rosen backs away, temporarily blinded. Chambers snatches one of the samurai swords from Rosen's hand. She wipes her eyes clear and realizes that now Chambers has a sword. Chambers strikes forward, which Rosen blocks! Rosen swings low and Chambers blocks. They continue back and forth each blocking the others strikes for a few tries.

RAY: This match has evolved into a sword fight!

JOE: This may be a first.

Rosen fakes a strike to the midsection, and Chambers goes to block. As Chambers lowers his sword, Rosen goes high and swipes a chunk off of Chambers ear lobe! Chambers grabs his bleeding ear and backs away. Rosen tries thrusting forward, but Chambers stabs his sword forward, sticking it into her thigh! Rosen screams. Chambers lets go of his sword and drops to the mat to look for the missing piece of his ear lobe, which he can't seem to find.

RAY: Let go of that thing, Tom!

TOM: What? Betcha I can sell it back to him for $10 after the show is over.

With Chambers on his hands and knees, Rosen drops her sword and uses both hands to pull Chambers out of her thigh. She yanks it out and some blood squirts out. She tries to take advantage of Chambers focus being elsewhere and she limps over. Rosen delivers a stomp to Chambers back and he falls on his face. She ties his legs up in the Farnsworth Paradox Sharpshooter.

RAY: This could be it! Rosen has this won as long as she can keep that hold locked in!

Chambers is half way across the ring, bleeding from the ear and losing strength fast. Rosen has the hold locked in, but is losing strength herself due to the sword wound in her thigh. She can't hold on any longer. She lets go of the hold. Rosen tries to hobble over to the corner to recover. Chambers is on his feet. He grabs her from behind in a Full Nelson. Chambers lifts Rosen over his head and delivers a Full Nelson suplex. Rosen is flat on her back and Chambers looks to the top rope.

RAY: Now Chambers is looking to finish it!

Chambers is on the top rope and ready to jump. He leaps off and nails The Earthquake Frog Splash. The thud from the impact echoes through the arena. Chambers collapses on Rosen for the pin.

1.....






2....






Henry Winkler jumps into the ring and hits Chambers with a Leg Drop across the back of his neck. This has little impact. Chambers stands up and grabs Henry Winkler by the neck. Winkler is pleading for his life. Rosen grabs onto the ropes to pull herself up. She sees Chambers choking out Henry Winkler. Rosen pulls some type of weapon out of her boot. It's a Death Ray gun! This is obvious since there are big words on the side that spell DEATH RAY.

RAY: Samurai swords, death rays! Someone's going to be killed if this isn't stopped!

She's behind Chambers back and holding the death ray gun to his head. She's squeezing the trigger when Scott Valentine slides into the ring and stands in front of the gun. He kcisk Rosen between the legs..... which again has next to no impact. You think these guys would learn? Rosen shoves Valentine out of the way. Chambers spins around and finds the death ray gun in his face. He bends down and picks up the bloody samurai sword. He holds it to Rosen's throat!

RAY: We have a stand off here!

Rosen and Chambers are standing inches away from each other, each just a trigger squeeze of blade swipe away from ending the other one's life. Both have looks of rage in their eyes. Henry Winkler and Scott Valentine are standing a few feet away cheering them on. The fans are going nuts, and the referee is wetting himself.

JOE: This is it. Someone is going to die.

Just then someone jumps in to save the day. It's none other than Scott Baio! The hunky 80s heartthrob of Charles in Charge and Joanie Loves Chachi is bravely standing in betweem Rosen and Chambers. He courageously pushes them both back. Neither Rosen or Chambers know how to respond. The SWA fans are booing and screaming “we want blood! We want blood!” Scott Baio pulls out a microphone. Soon the cries for blood end and Scott Baio speaks.

SCOTT BAIO: You people should be ashamed of yourselves!

**Scott Baio turns to the camera and flashes a smile.**

SCOTT BAIO: Hi, I'm Scott Baio, star of Joanie Loves Chachi, Charles in Charge, Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant, and the upcoming third season titled Scott Baio is 47 and Importent! I've been watching this fight all night, and I think you two have gone too far. You're friends, and friends aren't supposed to kill each other with swords, or zap each other with death rays. Friends are supposed to be there for each other, through thick and thin. Sure, even the best of friends will disagree, but you can't let one little disagreement ruin everything you have. True friendship doesn't come by finding a perfect person. It comes from finding an imperfect person and loving them for who they are. A friend is someone who is there for you when they'd rather be somewhere else.

**As Rosen and Chambers start to lower their weapons, tears form in the corners of their eyes. Somewhere in the arena, sappy music starts to play.**

SCOTT BAIO: Always remember, a true friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart. A hug is worth a thousand words, but a friend is worth a million more.


**As Scott Baio finishes these words, Chambers and Rosen both start sobbing with joy. They reach out and embrace in a hug of reconciliation. All the screaming blood thirsty fans quiet down. Sniffles and cries can be heard from the crowd. Even Henry Winkler and Scott Valentine have tears in their eyes. They both give each other a hearty “Ehhh!!! and hug as well. The crowd breaks into a round of applause. **

SCOTT BAIO: That's the spirit! Joanie Loves Chachi. Will you love Chachi too?

**Scott Baio extends his arms out for a hug. Rosen and Chambers turn to him. They wipe their tears away. As Scott Baio smiles and moves closer, they both register a look of disgust. Rosen and Chambers give each other a nod. James Chambers steps forward and punches Scott Baio in the face. His head snaps back. Rosen then raises her Death Ray gun and pulls the trigger. A loud zap is heard with a red beam. The beam surrounds Scott Baio's body. He screams like a hyena passing a kidney stone and is suddenly reduced to a smoking pile of ash. The fans are at first in shock. They then cheer and break into applause. Chambers and Rosen high five each other and walk down the aisle.**


WINNER: Everyone except for Scott Baio

TOM: Wow! Those were some special effects!

JOE: Those were no special effects, Tom. I'm sorry to tell you this, but Scott Baio is dead.

TOM: Seriously?

JOE: Afraid so.

RAY: Too bad. That speech could have won him a long overdue Emmy. So James Chambers and Dr. Rosen put their differences aside to once again become friends, only to turn on actor Scott Baio and incinerate him in 0.5 seconds with a Death Ray.

TOM: If any producers out there are looking to recast, I am available for a new reality series called Tom Berenger is 61 and Eating Out of Dumpster.

JOE: Nobody will watch that.

RAY: We have lots more to get to here. Due to a strategic restructuring of the matches to force Gabreal Martin into a fair one on one match with Larsen Van Der Kamp, the SWA Championship match has been bumped up to....... NEXT.

JOE: Ian DeTornado become the new SWA Champion back at Spring Breakdown, and despite suffering several losses in Non-Title matches, he continues to shock and amaze every time the title is on the line. It's like Ian DeTornado CAN'T lose that belt. He's proving himself as one of the most successful champs in SWA history, but now he has quite the challenger. Psycho Dragon came on the scene a couple of months ago, and held one of the most impressiive undefeated streaks until the most recent episode of Sunday Night Fever, where he lost to Larsen Van Der Kamp in a very close match. Can he regain his momentum and beat the champ? A few weeks ago most gamblers had their money on Psycho Dragon, but perhaps he's lost some steam. We'll find out. It's the SWA Championship on Sadistic Rage III

SWA CHAMPIONSHIP

IAN DE TORNADO
-vs-
PSYCHO DRAGON

---

As "Birdhouse In Your House" by They Might Be Giants plays, blue and green lights begin to flash alternately as Psycho Dragon is then seen slowly crawling from out of the entranceway on his hands and knees like a serpent. He kneels upwards and looks around at the crowd before he quickly gets up and jogs to the ring. He slides under the ropes and begins to crawl across the ring and goes on one of the turnbuckles, staring at the crowd again.

VIRGIL: Introducing first, from the city of Helen, Georgia. He stands 6 feet and 2 inches, and weighs 231 pounds. He's the masked, mysterious, and possible paranoid schizophrenic #1 contender, PSYCHO DRAGON!!!

As the intro of The Man from Manila plays through the P.A., Red and Blue smoke effects cover the entrance stage... Then from the middle of the smoke a (Philippine infamous) jeepney drives through the entrance to the middle of the ramp.

The vehicle brakes upon reaching the middle of the ramp and Ianzky DeTornado jumps off from the driver's seat. He heads down to the ring and climbs the ring post, points to the audience and performs a back flip towards the middle of the ring.

RAY: Now THAT's an entrance!

TOM: Bad news is Chambers refused to buy back his ear lobe. Maybe Tornado will shoot me some spare change if I wax his car for him.

JOE: Stop scheming for spare change and watch the match.

Tornado swings his arm back and slaps Dragon across the face. Dragon steps back for a second and then lunges forward and nails Tornado with a powerful blow to the head. The two exchange a few blows back and forth. Dragon goes to hit Tornado, but Tornado blocks it. Tornado steps back and then levels Dragon with a Clothesline. Dragon gets up on his feet and Tornado runs at him with another Clothesline, but Dragon ducks it and hooks Tornado's arms to take him down with a Backslide pin attempt, before the ref can count, Tornado kicks out. Dragon grabs Tornado's arm and twists it, but Tornado kicks off the ropes to do a flip and untwist his arm. He grabs Dragon's arm and flips him down to the mat. Dragon jumps up and Tornado catches him with a Side Headlock. Dragon grabs Tornado by the head and executes a Snapmare. Dragon goes to pick Tornado up, but Tornado catches him with a Snapmare. Tornado mounts himself on top of Dragon and starts to nail him with punches to the head, but Dragon catches Tornado's arms with his legs and pulls him into a pin,

1...

2...

Tornado rolls back and grabs Dragon by the legs. He flips over on top of Dragon and tries for a pin,

1...

2...

Dragon kicks out.

RAY: Back and forth action so far. Neither man able to get the upper hand.

AIELLO: We're only in the opening minutes Ray.

Tornado runs at Dragon and catches him with a Flipping Neckbreaker. He runs to the ropes and springboards off the second rope and does a 180 turn in the air to hit Dragon with a Leg Drop. Tornado goes for the cover,

1...

2...

Dragon kicks out. Tornado picks Dragon up and attempts to whip him to the ropes, but Dragon reverses and whips Tornado to the ropes. Tornado bounces off the ropes and runs towards Dragon. Dragon throws him over the top rope and to the outside of the ring. Dragon runs towards the ropes. He Springboards off the top rope and jumps to the outside. In mid air he catches Tornado with a Hurricanranna. The fans erupt as Dragon completes this move. Dragon picks Tornado up and whips him into the ringpost. Tornado stumbles backwards and Dragon grabs him from behind and executes a Full Nelson Slam. Dragon climbs up on the apron as Tornado slowly rises to his feet. Dragon jumps up on the top rope and jumps backwards with a Asai Moonsault, but Tornado catches him in mid air. Tornado walks over to the barricade with Dragon on his shoulder. He drops Dragon headfirst onto the barricade. Tornado picks Dragon up and drives his head to the concrete with an Elevated DDT.

RAY: These two men are putting there bodies on the line to be the SWA Champion.

JOE: This is the SWA Ray. If they don't put there bodies on the line they don't get paid.

TOM: Well, at least they actually make money. I get paid in bologna, and food stamps.

Tornado picks Dragon up and throws him in the ring. Tornado grabs a chair and throws it into the ring. He rolls into the ring and picks up the chair. Dragon gets up to his feet and Tornado swings the chair. Dragon ducks down and sweeps Tornado's leg. He hits Tornado hard on the back of the knee. Tornado drops to the mat and clutches his leg. Dragon picks up the chair and places it on Tornado's leg. He quickly jumps up on the top rope. He jumps off the top rope and stomps on the chair crushing Tornado's leg. Dragon goes for the cover,

1...

2...

Tornado kicks out. Dragon picks Tornado up and whips him to the corner. Tornado hits the corner hard. Dragon attempts a Supekick, but Tornado catches Dragon's leg and executes a Dragon Screw Leg Whip. Tornado climbs up on the top rope and leaps off with a Frog Splash. Dragon rolls out of the way and Tornado hits the mat so hard that he bounces up and lands on his back. Tornado rolls out of the ring to try to recouperate. Dragon climbs up to the top turnbuckle. He jumps off and hits Tornado with a standing Shooting Star Press.

RAY: There's certainly no shortage of high risk moves tonight.

TOM: These guys should be earning frequent flyer miles.

AIELLO: Tom, that was a new low. No wonder you got replaced in all your franchise movies.

Dragon rolls off Tornado and gets up on his feet. The rowdy fans pat Dragon on the back. He picks Tornado up and sends him crashing against the barricade. Dragon runs at him, but Tornado drops down and catches Dragon with a Drop Toe Hold. As Dragon goes down his head crashes into the barricade. Tornado picks Dragon up and throws him into the ring. Tornado climbs up to the top rope and leaps off with a Elbow Drop. Dragon gets his foot up just as Tornado comes down and catches him with a boot to the face. Dragon gets on his feet and picks Tornado up. He whips Tornado to the corner and charges at him. Tornado uses the ropes and slings over Dragon. Dragon hits the corner and Tornado catches him with a Small Package for the pin attempt,

1...

2...

Dragon kicks out. Tornado picks Dragon up and places him on the top rope. Tornado climbs onto the apron and climbs up to the top rope. He gets up on Dragon's shoulders to attempt a Victory Roll from the top rope, but Dragon hooks Tornado's arms and pulls him back. Dragon jumps off the top rope with Tornado on his back and executes a Vertibreaker. Dragon goes for the cover

1...

2...

Tornado gets his shoulder up.

RAY: Unbelievable! The champ is just not willing to give up.

AIELLO: If that move couldn't keep him down, I don't know what can.

Dragon stares down at Tornado with disbelief. He picks Tornado up and sets him up for the POLTERGEISTS CURSE, but Tornado battles his way out, and drops Dragon with a DDT. Tornado climbs up to the top rope and drops down on him with the TORNADOSSAULT. Tornado hooks Dragon's leg for the cover,

1...

2...

3!!!

VIRGIL: Here is your winner, and still SWA Champion, IAN DETORNADO!!!

[Sedition: The Rev]

RAY: The champ does it again! Can anyone take the belt off of Tornado?

**Ray is again distracted by some noise of hammering against metal. He looks over to see Cow #1 from Got Milk? Pounding Joe's chains with a hammer.**

RAY: I don't think you're fooling anyone, Joe. These little efforts to pick locks, hammer chains, saw through shackles. None of it will work. Not to mention Rev and Gladiator are watching you like a hawk. You're not going to escape.

JOE: So these clever diversions have worked. Step aside, gentlemen. I'm blowing this popstand! Joey's going home!

**Joe stands up and one of Gladiator's money army guards tries to force him back into his chair. Cow #1 grabs the monkey from behind and applies a Sleeper Hold. Soonthe monkey is out cold. Cow #1 picks the monkeys pocket and pulls out a set of keys. Cow #1 bends down and uses the key to unlock the shackles and chains holding Joe to his station. Joe kicks the chains away. Cow #1 then pulls out a grappling gun and shoots it all the way up to the rafters. The grapple catches the ceiling and Joe grabs around Cow #1's waist.**

JOE: Won't escape? Who's the fool now?

**Cow #1 retracts the cable on the grappling gun and he and Joe start rising to the rafters. The grappling gun pulls them all the way, up. Joe and Cow #1 settle in in the rafters. Joe opens up a small hatch on the ceiling. It opens to the outside. Joe climbs squeezes through. He's now on the roof. He tries to help Cow #1 squeeze through, but Cow #1 is too fat and bloated. His pudgy body in the cow suit won't squeeze through. Jow looks up at a helicopter hovering over the arena roof. Cow #2 is looking scared as his hands grip the controls. Joe looks back down at Cow#1 stuck in the hatch.**
JOE: I'm sorry. My family needs me.

**Joe pulls out the grappling gun. Cow #1 moos and tries to squeeze through, but it's hopeless. Joe shoots the grappling gun up and it attaches to the landing gear of the helicopter. Joe signals to a terrified Cow #2 and he pulls the helicopter up. Joe flies up from the roof hanging from the helicopter. It rises 10 feet, then 15, then 20 feet. Off in the distance, a bow and arrow is being aimed. The arrows shoots off and slices through the cable attached to the grappling gun. The cable snaps as the arrow flies through it, and Joe Aiello plummets 20 feet down to the roof below. Gladiator steps out from the shadows armed with the bow.**

GLADIATOR: Get back to your post you hairy Italian sasquatch!

**Joe groans as he rolls over. Off in the distance the helicopter starts to spin out of control and plummet. It falls all the way to the parking lot and crashes into some cars. As the blades spin out of control and break away, the helicopter pieces fly all over the place. Somewhere in the midst of the wreckage a weak sound of mooing is heard. It cuts back to the arena, where Ray Lyndon and Tom Berenger watch on**

RAY: Another Pay Per View, another failed escape attempt by Joe Aiello. As Joe makes his way back here, I'll set up the next match. We all know the history. Larsen Van Der Kamp and Gabreal Martin were both in the finals of the Spring Breakdown tournament, and both lost to Ian DeTornado. Since then Van Der Kamp has been dying to get into the ring one on one with Gabreal Martin. However, that spoiled brat has used every excuse in the book to avoid a match with his greatest rival. That however hasn't stopped him from taking cheap shots and interfering every chance he got. Gabreal Martin was finally forced to face Van Der Kamp when this match was booked. As you already know, Gabreal had the matches placed on the card so Van Der Kamp would be weakened by the Extreme Combat title match before he even got into the ring. Now the matches have been reversed, and Gabreal will have to face Van Der Kamp at full strength...... GASP......

TOM: Take a deep breath.

RAY: So long story short, Van Der Kamp finally gets his match with Gabreal Martin, but he'll still have to fight one more time once this match is over. And to make things even freakier, this is Anything Goes, including injecting your opponent with the H1N1 virus!

TOM: Who comes up with these things?

RAY: No idea. We are now joined by a crushed and defeated Joe Aiello, who is back in time for the big match. What's your prediction, Joe?

JOE: I don't even want to live anymore.

TOM: Get too close to the action and you may get your wish.

ANYTHING GOES INCLUDING INJECTING YOUR OPPONENT WITH H1N1
(Virus and syringes to be provided by SWA management)

GABREAL MARTIN
-vs-
LARSEN VAN DER KAMP

---

VIRGIL: Our next matchup is scheduled for one fall! It is anything goes, including infecting your opponent with the dreaded H1N1 Virus! The syringes are preloaded and waiting on a table at ringside for your disease-spreading convenience! Now, introducing first, hailing from Johannesburg, South Africa, standing at 6'1" weighing in at 229 pounds, please welcome LARSEN...VAN DER KAMP!!!!

"New Divide" by Linkin Park plays over the P.A. A mix of cheers and jeers come from the crowd. Larsen walks towards the ring, completely unaffected by the crowd's reaction. He walks to the ring slowly keeping his eyes straight ahead the whole time. He climbs into the ring and sits himself on the top turnbuckle as he awaits the beginning of the match.

VIRGIL: And introducing his opponent, hailing from Los Angeles, California, please welcome the Sedition's own, Gabreal Martin!

The lights in the arena go black as The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn) by Weezer plays on the PA, and A spotlight is shown on Gabe as he walks to the ring. Gabe then gets in the ring and begins posing for the crowd.


The two begin to circle each other, watching each other carefully. Suddenly, a wicked smile crosses Gabreal Martin's face.

RAY: I don't like that face.

AIELLO: Me either, Martin is butt-ugly!

Just then, Martin reaches in his back pocket, and whips out an H1N1 needle!

RAY: Martin must have snaked one of those needles before the match!

Martin begins lunging forward, wildly stabbing at Van Der Kamp with the needle. After several tense moments, Martin ends up cornering Van Der Kamp. His wicked smile returns, as he raises the needle over his head, and thrusts it with all his might.....

....

But he stabs the referee instead! The needle protrudes from the poor ref's chest as he collapses, and rolls under the bottom rope.


TOM: Wow, hopefully SWA offers sick pay!

AIELLO: Trust me, they don't. That ref will be lucky if the advil in the first aid kit hasn't expired.

While Martins is distracted, Van Der Kamp goes on the offensive, booting Marten in the stomach and Irish whipping him across the ring into the corner. He runs across the ring behind him and delivers a lethal shining wizard that echoes through the arena. Martin's head snaps back in a sickening fashion and his nose begins to gush blood. Van Der Kamp begins teeing off with stiff left hands. He backs into the ropes, only to get met with a stiff shot to the nads by Gabreal Martin, who begins pummeling him while he's double over in pain. He picks him, and plants him with a DDT. He looks like he wants to go for a cover, but we can see the wheels turning in his head and he thinks better of it. Instead, he climbs out of the ring and heads to the table and picks up one of the H1N1 needles on it.

JOE: Martin looking to get lucky on his second try, it appears.

AIELLO: I'm certain this isn't the first time someone's been infected at the hands of Gabreal Martin.

TOM: Yeah.... that's something else Gabe and I have in common.

Martin slides under the bottom rope, but Larsen has since recovered and spears Martin upon his reentry to the ring! The needles goes flying as a rejuvenated Van Der Kamp begins to go on the offensive, first flattening Martin with a stiff lariat, and then landing a picture perfect lionsault off of the second rope. He then scoops him up, and nearly puts him through the mat with a Gutwrench powerbomb.

He goes on the hunt for the discarded needle, finding it under the turnbuckle on the edge of the apron. He picks it up, and shows a sinister smile of his own as gives the plunger on the syringe a slight nudge, causing some of the fluid to squirt out. He walks over to Martin, who is still down. He digs both of his knees into Martin's back, and gets ready to poke him with the syringe until Martin's bodyguard Kryptochild slides under the bottom rope and knocks Van Der Kamp off of Martin. He pulls Larsen to his feet, and nearly decapitates him with a big boot.

TOM: Oh, what's he doing out here?

AIELLO: He's Gabreal Martin's bodyguard, of course.

TOM: Oh, that's right.

Martin recovers, and begins directing traffic. He instructs Kryptochild's to retrieve weapons from under the ring, including a Guitar, a Cheese Grater, Singapore canes, chairs, bags of thumbtacks, a container of bleach and two mysterious black bags with a skull and crossbones printed them. While this is going on, he begins doing a number on Martin, delivering a number of carefully placed boots to the back of Larsen's head and back. Once all the weapons are in the ring, Martin instructs Kryptochild to pick up Larsen. He holds both of Van Der Kamp's arms behind his back and Martin once again picks up the needle.

RAY: Hopefully the third time's a charm.

AIELLO: Why are you so excited to see someone infected with a crippling disease?

TOM: You disgust me! How sick can you get? Can someone help me scrape this gum off the bottom of the table? It still has some juice left in it.

Martin goes running toward Van Der Kamp with the needle, but he slips out of Kryptochild's grip at the last second and Martin stabs his bodyguard with the needle! Kryptochild collapses and Van Der Kamp capitalizes on the distraction and levels Martin with a Singapore cane. The shot echoes throughout the arena, and Martin crumbles in a bloody heap. Meanwhile, Kryptochild is sluggishly returning to his feet, with the needle protruding from his neck. Van Der Kamp scoops up the container of bleach, and douses him with it.

RAY: That might be a good cure for the H1N1!

While Kryptochild gouges at his burning eyes, Van Der Kamp grabs one of the black bags, which is violently vibrating. By this time, Kryptochild has made it out of the ring, and Van Der Kamp tosses the bag to him. Kryptochild opens the bag and pulls out a hornets nest! Thousands of angry hornets swarm him as he takes off up the ramp, swatting at his hair and eyes and screaming in pain.

RAY: Who is going to love him after that?

AIELLO: A bright side to that is, I don't think anyone loved him to begin with.

Meanwhile, back in the ring, Gabreal Martin has grabbed one of the chairs and levels Van Der Kamp with it. He picks him up and levels him with the Knockout Blow! He goes for a cover,

.........

but the ref is still out of commission.

A furious Martin jumps out of the ring and shakes the groggy, infected referee and pulls him to his feet. The ref can barely stand. His nose is bleeding and he is drenched in sweat. Martin begins yelling at the ref, trying to get him to come to. The ref stares at Martin for a tense moment, and then pukes in his face!

RAY: Yuck! Oh, my god! Oh the horror! The horror!

TOM: Looks like someone partook of the corned beef and gingerbread buffet.

Martin begins rapidly clawing at his face, grabbing a bottle of water from a fan and attempts to rinse his face, but before the fan can tell him that it's vodka, he splashes his face and his eyes instantly begin to burn. Meanwhile, Van Der Kamp his recovered and climbed the turnbuckle, and leaps to the outside, nailing Martin with a sick missile drop kick. The momentum propels Martin into the steel barricade on the outside. Van Der Kamp, sensing the end is near, pulls Martin to his feet, and begins leading him back toward the ring. He slides him under the bottom rope, and grabs the second black bag, opens it, and dumps it in the corner. Its contents include a lethal mix of sea urchins, broken glass shards, fire ants, razor blades, and nails.

RAY: I can't bear to watch!

AIELLO: Another SWA first. First ever use of fire ants and sea urchins in a match. Somehow I always knew this day would come.

While this is going on, Martin stands up, and runs at Van Der Kamp in one last act of desperation with an H1N1 needle. He shows renewed strength, overpowering Larsen, and inching closer and closer to Larsen's neck with the needle.

However, he suddenly stops.

Larsen had secretly pulled a needle from his boot and stabbed Martin in the stomach during their struggle. Martin begins bleeding from his ears as Van Der Kamp picks him up, and gutwrench powerbombs him on the urchins, glass, ants, nails and razors! Martin writhes in pain!

RAY: PIN HIM!

AIELLO: Nope, I think he has something else on his mind. Van Der Kamp has been waiting for this match for over 6 months. He's not done yet.

Van Der Kamp grabs the guitar, and begins measuring Martin. He sluggishly stands, but it doesn't matter, because Van Der Kamp swings the guitar with all his might....

BOOM!

The guitar literally explodes on Gabreal's head with a huge spark! It appears to have been loaded with gunpowder! Even Larsen himself appears to be surprised by the explosion. Even still, he covers the unconscious Martin as the deathly ill referee as dragged himself into the ring and counts.

1....




2...




3!

WINNER: Larsen Van Der Kamp


The ref somehow musters the strength to raise Larsen's arm. He then collapses and dies as we cut to a preview of the next match.

RAY: Well, a big win for Larsen Van Der Kamp, and a long time coming.

AIELLO: Yes, it was phenomenal matchup, unfortunately we lost a referee in the process.

TOM: Seriously, how can you guys be some calm about this. A referee just died in the ring! It's not like it happens every day.

JOE: This is SWA. They don't die every day, but at least semi annually.

RAY: The action has been fast, intense, and spiced with bits and pieces and brutal violence and death all evening! This is getting so sick, twisted and brutal, I may just vomit or slip into cardiac arrest before the night is done!

JOE: Just do it a bit more quietly. I have a killer headache from that fall from the helicopter.

RAY: For those already weak of heart, I beg you not to watch our main event of the evening. We've been watching them put together this bed of impaling spikes, and now the scaffold is being raised. The only way to win this match is to throw your opponent off the scaffold, and impale them on one of those spikes!

JOE: It's amazing any of this stuff is legal.

TOM: It probably isn't, but I've seen much worse between guys fighting over drumsticks in the dumpster behind KFC.

RAY: Who will walk out of here Extreme Combat Champion? Will it be the reigning champ Teen Throb, who has already carved quite the Extreme Combat legacy. Or maybe Larsen Van Der Kamp, who although on a hot streak as of late, with wins over Psycho Dragon and now Gabreal Martin, literally hasn't even caught his breath from the last match. Last but not least could it be Branden Harvey, who only debuted in SWA back in the summer, and has suddenly risen from the undercard ranks to a solid and serious contender that nobody is second guessing anymore. The veteran, the superstar, and the underdog. One will walk out champion, and two probably won't walk out at all. Here is the main event.

_______________

TO BE CONCLUDED

Main event to be posted tomorrow

[Sedition: The Rev]

EXTREME COMBAT CHAMPIONSHIP
IMPALER MATCH

TEEN THROB
-vs-
LARSEN VAN DER KAMP
-vs-
BRANDEN HARVEY

--- ---

"New Divide" by Linkin Park plays over the P.A. Larsen Van Der Kamp, still in his way back up the entrance ramp is initially caught off guard by how quick the next match came. He cracks his back and neck and stares up at the scaffold hanging above a bed of spikes near the entrance ramp. There's a weak looking rope ladder hanging off the side of the scaffold. Van Der Kamp climbs up the ladder and gets a safe footing on the rickety scaffold.

VIRGIL: Making his appearance tonight, from Johannesburg, South Africa. He stands 6 feet and 1 inch tall and weighs 229 pounds. Now H1N1 free, this is LARSEN VAN DER KAMP!!!!

"Fuel by Metallica hits the speakers. Up above the entrance way, "Supersonic" Branden Harvey is shown riding in on a cable as usual. The ride is short to reach the scaffold, which he very cautiously slows down in order not to miss. He skips his usual backflip and safely lowers himself onto the scaffold. The fans cheer as Virgil introduces him.

VIRGIL: And the next challenger. From right here in Sacramento, California!!! (cheers from the fans) He stands 5 feet and 8 inches, and weighs 140 pounds. This is Sacramento's son, and SWA's fastest rising underdog, the one and only Branden Harvey!!!!

As the opening harmonies from Watch Out's song Babe You Know You Want Me begin, every man in the arena groans. The girls, at least those under the age of 30 all scream. Teen Throb appears in the entrance way with the Extreme Combat Tutle proudly draped over his shoulder. He has his game face on, but can't help but be a little taken aback by the appearance of the scaffold above the impaling spikes. Teen Throb shakes off his pre-fight jitters and climbs up the rope ladder to begin the match.

VIRGIL: And their opponent. From Grand Forks, North Dakota. He stands 6 feet, 3 inches and weighs 210 pounds. He is the pop sensation and current Extreme Combat Champion, this is TEEN THROB!!!!

TOM: The girls used to love me like that.

JOE: No girls ever loved you, Tom Berenger.

RAY: Will it be the flamboyant champ, the man without a past, or the hometown boy? The excitement is too much to bare! I can't take it anymore!

JOE: Neither can that ref. There's barely enough room up there for 3 guys on that scaffold. Look, you can see that ref's knees shaking.


The referee is indeed looking nervous as he looks over the edge of the rickety scaffold. The three competitors look at each other as the referee shakily calls for the bell to start the match. As they start stepping away from the edge they try their best not to look down at the bed of spikes below the scaffold and feel the shaky structure rattle below their feet. The ref slowly approaches Teen Throb and asks for him to hand over the title. Teen Throb is holding onto the belt tight and doesn't want to give it up. The ref and Teen throb tug back and forth at it.

RAY: That ref had better hold on tight. If Teen Throb lets go he'll fall to his death for sure.

After much fighting, Teen Throb finally rolls his eyes and lets go, letting the referee have his title. As he lets go of the belt, the referee is tugging hard and he is thrown back, off the edge of the scaffold. The crowd lets out a collective “ohhhhhh!!!” as the ref screams and lands on one of the large impaling spikes, piercing his chest. The ref is motionless.

TOM: Too late.

RAY: Good heavens! Did we just kill ANOTHER referee?

JOE: I'm afraid so. May he rest in peace.

Up on the scaffold, Van Der Kamp and Harvey's jaws drop. Teen Throb is speechless and mouths the words “oops”. Stage hands work together to pull the ref free from the impaling spike. No movement from the ref as he's placed on stretcher and hauled away. He indeed does look dead. A spare referee is pushed through the entrance by Rev and Gladiator. He's shaking his head from side to side as Rev tells him to climb up on the scaffold. He puts his foot down.

RAY: Looks like after two referee deaths in two matches, this one is sticking to his guns and valuing his life more than his job. The wise ref will officiate from the floor. And we are underway!

Van Der Kamp is the first to strike as he locks up with Harvey as Teen Throb backs against the corner as he is worried about the shaking. Van Der Kamp pushes Harvey back and punches him as Harvey takes a few steps back after being stunned. Larsen makes his way towards Throb in the corner and begins to start trading blows back and forth. Harvey runs over and jumps as he delivers a splash in the corner of the scaffold to both men. The scaffold rocks violently back and forth as he hits the splash. All three men ahve to hold on with a firm grip to prevent themselves from falling. Larsen falls down but holds tight on the edge as Harvey begins to lay a barrage of shots in to Throb and then DDT’s him on to the scaffold. Harvey picks up Throb and throws him toward Larsen as Larsen spears him. Throb rolls to the edge as both Larsen and Harvey put the boots to him as he is near the edge of the scaffold and about to fall off.

RAY: He's going over!

Just as they are about to kick Teen Throb off Harvey turns and delivers a standing drop kick to Larsen. Teen Throb rolls back safely onto the scaffold.

JOE: Branden Harvey just missed his opportunity to eliminate Teen Throb. Why back off so soon?

RAY: He could be worried that he was too vulnerable to being thrown off by Van Der Kamp. Remember that to win you'll have to impale both of your opponents.

Harvey then mounts Larsen and starts laying a series of shots on him, he then locks Larsen in an arm bar and attempts a rear naked choke. Larsen tries to overpower Harvey, but he's clearly still worn out from the match with Gabreal Martin. His strength is failing and Harvey is getting the best of him. Harvey locks in the choke and Larsen's face turns blue. Teen Throb is again on his feet and he dives at Harvey forcing him to break the hold. Throb punches Harvey in the Adam’s Apple! Now Harvey is the one choking and turning blue.

RAY: What a cheap shot by Teen Throb! How do you punch a guy in the Adam's Apple?

TOM: We're watching a match where the objective is to throw your opponent on top a bed of impaling spikes, and you're calling a punch to the Adam's Apple a cheap shot?

RAY: I stand corrected.

Teen Throb looks at both Harvey and Larsen, both out of breath. He sweeps Harvey's leg out from under him and Harvey falls backwards off the scaffold!

RAY: He's going down!

Luckily as he falls, Harvey's leg gets caught on the ropes the scaffold hangs from. He's hanging upside down from the bottom of the scaffold. Harvey looks down at the spikes below and tries to pull himself up. Back on top of the scaffold, Teen Throb now turns to Larsen, He's starting to catch his breath, but hunched over still and not at full strength. Teen Throb charges at Larsen, looking to Clothesline him off the edge, but Larsen side steps and hooks his arms around Teen Throb's torso. He throws him up and over with a Gut Wrench Suplex. Teen Throb flies over the edge!

RAY: He's going too!

However Teen Throb, half way down to the bed of spikes, manages to snag the rope ladder. As the rope ladder sways back and forth, Teen Throb breathes out a sigh of relief.

JOE: Stop jumping the gun. You're too overanxious for blood, Ray.

Van Der Kamp looks over one edge at Teen Throb hanging half way down on the rope ladder, then over the other side at Harvey's leg caught on the supporting rope. Harvey is sitting up as much as he can and trying to untie his ankle. Van Der Kamp reaches into his belt and pulls out a pocket knife.

TOM: Don't these guys get a body search before they come out here?

RAY: Body search? What do you think this is, an airport?

Van Der Kamp first moves over to the rope ladder, where Teen Throb is trying to climb up. He bends over the edge and starts using the pocket knife to saw through the rope ladder. Teen Throb looks up and sees this. He hurries to get up the ladder, but the faster he climbs the more the rope ladder sways. Van Der Kamp is half way through one of the ropes. Teen Throb makes a sprint to the top, but Van Der Kamp gets through the first rope. The rope ladder breaks in one spot and now hangs unsupported. Teen Throb is barely holding on for his life! Van Der Kamp starts sawing through the last rope holding it up furiously. Teen Throb now climbs the ladder like a gym rope. He's inches away from reaching the top and Larsen is just about through the rope. Teen Throb reaches the top and snatches the pocket knife out of Larsen's hand. He takes the knife and stabs Larsen in the back of the hand. Larsen rolls back and shrieks in agony. Teen Throb pulls himself up.

RAY: Owwww!!! That's gotta hurt!

Teen Throb steps over Larsen and heads over to the edge that Branden is hanging upside down from. Just as Teen Throb gets to the edge, Branden unties his foot. He rolls back onto the scaffold just as Teen Throb reaches him. Teen Throb stomps down on Harvey repeatedly. He picks Harvey up and hooks him underneath his torso, lifting the featherwight up over his head in a Powerbomb. Teen Throb walks towards the edge and prepares to drop Harvey over the edge. Harvey's eyes grow wide as he looks down at the spikes. Harvey retaliates with several punches to the side of Teen Throb's head, driving him back a few steps. Harvey then locks his legs around Teen Throb's neck and delivers a Head Scissor Takedown which sends Teen Throb flying across the scaffold. He hits the side but manages to keep his position on the surface. The scaffold now rocks back and forth like a ship in the midst of a storm. Everyone holds on for dear life.

RAY: That this rate all three of them are going to fall? Why wasn't a more solid scaffold constructed?

JOE: It's not like SWA is concerned with being up to safety codes.

After close to a minute, the rocking and swaying of the scaffold starts to die down. Harvey is the first to make a move. He heads over to Teen Throb and tackles him onto his back. Harvey has his forearm placed over Teen Throb's throat and is trying to force him over the edg.e Teen Throb tries to fight back, but he's starting to be choked by the forearm. Van Der Kamp reaches down and pulls the pocket knife out of his hand. Blood gushes out, but Larsen moves forward. He grabs Harvey by the back of the head and pulls him off TeenThrob. Larsen turns Harvey around and then delivers a twist of fate on top on the scaffold, just as he does that one of the boards in the center snaps and jams into Harvey’s stomach.

RAY: It's coming apart!

Harvey has the wind knocked out of him, but falls safely on his back. There is now, however, a gaping hole on the middle of the scaffold. As Throb gets up he turns around and Larsen delivers a bicycle kick to Throb. He stumbles back and trips over Harvey as he falls into the corner of the scaffold. Larsen runs and spears Throb into the corner and forces part of the corner to break and buckle under the pressure. The scaffold is now being held up only on three sides. The surface is totally uneven.

TOM: Blood! Blood! We want blood!

RAY: Yeah!!!!!!!!

JOE: You guys are sick!

All three men have to readjust their balance to keep from sliding over the edge. They are all hanging on at the same spot and start exchanging blows back and forth. Larsen hits a hard shot to Harvey and Harvey bends over. Larsen Leg Drops him to the back of the head and Branden slips and falls through the hole where the board came up. On his way through the hole, he grabs hold of Larsen's foot. Larsen starts to be pulled through the hole himself. He's half through the hole, with his chest and up being above the hole. Branden hangs from Larsen's leg and is dangerously close to the spikes below.

RAY: The scaffold is giving out! Can these guys get back up there before it's too late?

Branden tries to climb up Larsen's legs, as Larsen tries to pull his body back through the hole. Teen Throb is barely holding on as the scaffold hangs unevenly on only three sidesa. Teen Throb makes a quick move and stomps down on Larsen's face. He squeezes through the hole some more. A few more stomps and Larsen is pushed more through the hol.e Both Harvey and Larsen scream “No! No! No!” as Teen Throb delivers one final stomp, pushing Larsen through the hole, with Harvey hanging from his leg. Both Harvey and Larsen fall down and land on the spikes below, with Larsen being impaled through the leg, and Harvey through the side. Blood starts to flow down the spikes as EMT's rush to their aid. The bell rings as the EMT’s help the two competitors currently on the bed of spikes.

Teen Throb hangs on for dear life as the scaffold gives out. The EMT's pull Larsen and Harvey free from the spikes as the scaffold supporting cables give out and it comes crashing down toward the spikes. Teen Throb jumps off just in time as the scaffold comes crashing down and breaks into dozens of pieces on the spikes.

RAY: That's it! It's over! I think I'm in cardiac arrest! Someone get the defibralator!

JOE: What a sick and twisted show this was.

TOM: I think that was the whole point.


WINNER: And still Extreme Combat Champion, Teen Throb!!!


**Teen Throb stands in and celebrates as he picks up his belt off the floor. Larsen and Harvey are now free from the spikes and EMT's are applying lots of pressure to their wounds to stop the bleeding. Teen Throb stands over them and dances a victory dance.**

RAY: Two referee's are dead, Dr. Rosen and James Chambers killed Scott Baio with a death ray, one of the cows from Got Milk? crashed a helicopter in the parking lot, and now Branden Harvey and Larsen Van Der Kamp survive being impaled on spikes. And Teen Throb and Ian DeTornado retain their titles. It has been the single craziest night in the history of SWA!

JOE: And that's saying a lot.

TOM: Great show. I'm going to stick around and eat some leftover popcorn from off the floor. It's been a blast guys.

RAY: What more can happen in SWA? We'll find out on December 29th as SWA returns from it's Christmas break. Thanks for joining us for Sadistic Rage III! I need a tranquilizer. Goodnight!

**The show fades out with Van Der Kamp and Harvey being attended to and Teen Throb raising his title in the air. It fades out........ but comes back. The show fades back in to a shot of Cow #1 from Got Milk? Still stuck in the hatch in the ceiling.**

COW #1: Moooo??? Mooooo? Mooooo?

Copyright: 2010 Sedition Production

_________________________

Hell's Reject vs Got Milk? Vs Wade Wilson (written by Taylor)
Waylon Hawthorne vs CHIP PEKURNY (written by Gladiator)
James Chambers vs Dr. Rosen (written by The Rev)
Ian DeTornado vs Psycho Dragon (written by Gladiator)
Larsen Van Der Kamp vs Gabreal Martin (written by Chambers)
Teen Throb vs Van Der Kamp vs Branden Harvey (written by Rev & Malik)