Post by CHIP PEKURNY! on Nov 29, 2010 23:12:36 GMT -6
**We open up with CHIP PEKURNY, everyone's favourite financial whiz standing against a horrible looking blue screen composite of clouds rolling by.**
CHIP: Enough with stimulus packages, bailouts and government loans. To turn this country around and reverse this economic slump, drastic measures will need to be taken. It will take a man with the guts and determination to do the dirty work needed. Corporations around the country are slowly going bankrupt. It's not just “the little man” being effected anymore. Executives and CEOs are standing right next to them in the unemployment line.Will your company be the next one sucked down the toilet bowl? If you want change, and a financial adviser with the balls to make a difference, then consider CHIP PEKURNY.
**The video cuts to shots of CHIP PEKURNY, trying his hardest to look tough as he stands in the ring flexing his muscles buried underneath his sweater vest and a pair of tights. Various shots of Chip's wrestling matches follow. The wrestling montage ends with CHIP giving a thumbs up in front of an American flag.**
CHIP: For a better tomorrow, hire CHIP PEKURNY today.
**A TV screen showing the video is hit with a baseball. The picture becomes slightly pixelated, but remains on screen. Dante Pekurny, father of Chip, gets up out of his board room chair and grabs a baseball bat from under the table.**
DANTE: Blasted modern technology. In my days if you wanted to show your disgust with TV you were free to throw a baseball at it and have the screen shatter into thousands of tiny pieces in a flash of thousands of tiny sparks. What's wrong with this LCD thing?
**One of the executives raises his hand.**
EXECUTIVE: Sorry to say, sir, but LCD is a rage proof.
DANTE: And this is supposed to be advanced technology?
**Dante starts clobbering the LCD screen with the bat. He's interrupted by a buzz on the intercom.**
DANTE: What is it?
SECRETARY: Excuse me, Mr. Pekurny, your son is here.
DANTE: Send him in. I'm not done with this rage proof TV yet. Take over, Johnson.
**The executive named Mr. Johnson takes the bat and continues to pound on the LCD screen as Dante goes back to his chair. His son CHIP PEKRUNY comes into the room.**
DANTE: Sit down, Shirley.
**Chip takes a seat and crosses his arms defiantly. Dante stands up and starts pacing back and forth at the head of the table. He continues to pace as Johnson keeps trying to break the LCD screen in the background. Dante paces and paces and paces, before finally slamming his fists down on the table and screaming in Chip's face.**
DANTE: Would you please explain to me why my son, aka you, aka the future CEO and successor of my empire, aka you again, is pimping himself to fledgling corporations nation wide? Have you ever heard of corporate loyalty? How about family loyalty? Why are you sneaking around behind my back looking for a new job? Is this corporate sabotage? Are you wearing a wire?
**Dante starts to pay down his son. Chip pushes him away.**
CHIP: Get off me. Don't you remember? You demoted me and then fired me.
DANTE: That doesn't sound like something I'd do.
CHIP: I showed up with a purple tie to a board meeting and you fired me.
DANTE: Malarky. I was probably joking.
CHIP: My security card was revoked.
DANTE: All part of a practical joke. Have you no sense of humor, son?
CHIP: The locks were changed in my condo.
DANTE: Still sounds like a joke to me.
CHIP: You had my credit cards reported as stolen.
DANTE: And you don't see humor in that?
CHIP: I was charged with credit fraud. My court date is in 3 weeks.
DANTE: I'm bored with this conversation already. Time to get down to business. You're the heir to my empire, and I can't have you prostituting yourself to other companies. And what was with that video? You think any respectable company is going to hire you when you're parading around in tights and a sweater vest in a wrestling ring? Real men don't wear tights. Effective immediately you're reinstated in this company. Johnson, have Chip's security card reactivated.
**Mr. Johnson stops his attack on the LCD screen and nods approvingly.**
CHIP: You mean you're welcoming me back into the family? I always knew you cared, Dad.
DANTE: What's with all these sissy words like care and family? That's the problem with you, Chip. You're soft. You need to build some callouses on those palms and internal organs. Be a man. You want back in the company there are a few stipulations. #1, no more purple ties. #2, no more tights. #3, no more words like “care” or “family” or “love” or “caress”. You've given this family a bad reputation. And last but not least, no more wrestling. I didn't send you to the best Ivy League schools so you could be a wrestler. Couldn't you have tried a real man's sport like Rugby or big game hunting? Wrestling is out.
CHIP: But Dad, I'm under contract to perform. If I break the contract they'll sue. The last thing we need is another law suit.
DANTE: Yeah you're right about that. What a predicament you've put our family name in. What ever possessed you to become a wrestler in the first place?
CHIP: My only private clients would only invest in my mutual funds if I filled in some dead spots on their card.
DANTE: If you can't beat your little brother in badminton, what makes you think you can beat anyone in a fighting contest. I can't have you embarrassing me on TV. Your problem is you're too used to face masks and moisturizers. You need to toughen up. Be a real man. Who's this young chap you're destined to lose to?
CHIP: Waylon Hawthorne.
DANTE: Waylon Hawthorne? Waylon Hawthorne?!?!
**Dante Pekurny's veins bulge out of his head as he tenses up.**
DANTE: As in WAYLON Hawthorne?
CHIP: Uh..... yeah, Dad,
DANTE: I remember him from back in the day. He rocked the grizzly man beard, although I always swore it was most likely a fake. He was also a cheat. Back in 74 he was performing the local circuit and somehow got himself invited to a high stakes game of Pinochle with myself, the Mayor and a young Richard Branson. That Hawthorne was slipping cards up his sleeve all night.
CHIP: You think I have a chance against him?
DANTE: Not a prayer. Despite Hawthorne being a cheat and a scoundrel, he's also one of the toughest man's men who I ever met. That man has callouses on everything from his knuckles to kneecaps. If you want any chance of beating Hawthorne, I need to man you up. Come with me, boy. It's time for some intense testosterone exposure.
**And so begins the mission of Dante Pekurny to “man up” his son, Chip. Hours later they stand in a barn somewhere in the country.**
DANTE: First up on the list of “How to man up a sissy boy” I'm going top teach you to ride a horse. Saddle up, boy.
CHIP: Dad, this is the same garbage Hawthorne is always feeding his grandson. This is a new age. A real man doesn't need to conform to some ancient standards of manliness like riding a horse to be a real man. We should all be accepted for who we are.
**Dante slaps Chip across the face.**
DANTE: Watch your mouth and get on the horse.
**Chip stares up at the horse standing next to him.**
CHIP: Where's the saddle?
DANTE: Real men don't sit on saddles. I told you we'd build some callouses, and that's exactly what we're going to do.
**Chip bounces up and down trying to get some momentum going to hoist himself up on the horse. As he tries to jump up he only makes it a few inches off the ground. He lands with a squishing sound under his feet. Chip sniffs the air and looks down.**
CHIP: Oh geez, those loafers cost me $250.
**Chip hops away on one foot. He stands against a hay bail and wipes the loafers on the hay.**
DANTE: Come on you wimp. Get back here and build some callouses.**
**And so continues Dante's quest to “man up” his son. They are walking out of an old run down movie theatre. Dante looks like he's ready to vomit. Chip has a smile on his face.**
CHIP: That wasn't so bad. Catchy closing number.
DANTE: Will someone explain to me what in God's name Lee Marvin was doing singing? There's nothing that man's a boy up more than a good old Lee Marvin movie. What went wrong?
**Chip is singing the chorus.**
CHIP: I was born under a wanderin star..... a wanderin, wanderin star!
DANTE: Enough with that filth. This isn't going as planned. It's time for me to speed up this process. No more horses or Lee Marvin flicks. If we want to beat that cheat Hawthorne there's only one thing left to do. I'm going to show you how to shoot a gun.
**Dante pulls a large revolver out of his jacket. Chip pushes his father's hand back into his jacket to hide the gun.**
CHIP: Are you crazy? You can't pull a gun out in public. You want to get arrested?
DANTE: You want to be owned by that crazy but macho hulk of a man called Hawthorne?
CHIP: What are you talking about, hulk of a man? He's a senior citizen with sagging man boobs. What's there to fear?
DANTE: I'm a senior citizen with sagging man boobs. Underneath Hawthorne's sagging man boobs is a black heart of stone. Don't underestimate him because of his age. Hawthorne will stop at nothing to win. You need to be willing to do the same. The only way to face a man that mean and that crazy is to be a cold blooded heel yourself. Now let me show you how to squeeze off a couple of rounds like a real man.
CHIP: No, dad. Put that thing away.
DANTE: Get your hands off my gun you snivelling woman!
**Chip and Dante are fighting back and forth over the revolver. While tugging on it, the trigger is accidentally squeezed. A shot goes off and Chip and Dante stop dead in their tracks. They look over at man coming out of the theatre who's suddely slumped over. He holds his chest. Blood starts to trickle out. A few people see this and scream.
DANTE: Run for it, son!
**As the crowd outside the theatre panics, Dante grabs Chip and they both run like the wind. As sirens are heard off in the distance, they duck into an alley and stand in the dark shadows to catch their breath. Chip is in total shock.**
CHIP: Did we just kill a man?
DANTE: Kill, maybe. Shot in cold blood, for sure. And what's this “we” stuff. YOU just shot a man. You know what that means?
CHIP: I'm going to prison?
DANTE: Probably. But more importantly...... you are now officially a real man. Even Hawthorne has never shot a man in cold blood. Congratulations son. Now let's get out of here before the police, or worse yet, the press catch wind of this.
**Dante drags a “manned up” CHIP PEKURNY away as they flee from the police.**
CHIP: Enough with stimulus packages, bailouts and government loans. To turn this country around and reverse this economic slump, drastic measures will need to be taken. It will take a man with the guts and determination to do the dirty work needed. Corporations around the country are slowly going bankrupt. It's not just “the little man” being effected anymore. Executives and CEOs are standing right next to them in the unemployment line.Will your company be the next one sucked down the toilet bowl? If you want change, and a financial adviser with the balls to make a difference, then consider CHIP PEKURNY.
**The video cuts to shots of CHIP PEKURNY, trying his hardest to look tough as he stands in the ring flexing his muscles buried underneath his sweater vest and a pair of tights. Various shots of Chip's wrestling matches follow. The wrestling montage ends with CHIP giving a thumbs up in front of an American flag.**
CHIP: For a better tomorrow, hire CHIP PEKURNY today.
**A TV screen showing the video is hit with a baseball. The picture becomes slightly pixelated, but remains on screen. Dante Pekurny, father of Chip, gets up out of his board room chair and grabs a baseball bat from under the table.**
DANTE: Blasted modern technology. In my days if you wanted to show your disgust with TV you were free to throw a baseball at it and have the screen shatter into thousands of tiny pieces in a flash of thousands of tiny sparks. What's wrong with this LCD thing?
**One of the executives raises his hand.**
EXECUTIVE: Sorry to say, sir, but LCD is a rage proof.
DANTE: And this is supposed to be advanced technology?
**Dante starts clobbering the LCD screen with the bat. He's interrupted by a buzz on the intercom.**
DANTE: What is it?
SECRETARY: Excuse me, Mr. Pekurny, your son is here.
DANTE: Send him in. I'm not done with this rage proof TV yet. Take over, Johnson.
**The executive named Mr. Johnson takes the bat and continues to pound on the LCD screen as Dante goes back to his chair. His son CHIP PEKRUNY comes into the room.**
DANTE: Sit down, Shirley.
**Chip takes a seat and crosses his arms defiantly. Dante stands up and starts pacing back and forth at the head of the table. He continues to pace as Johnson keeps trying to break the LCD screen in the background. Dante paces and paces and paces, before finally slamming his fists down on the table and screaming in Chip's face.**
DANTE: Would you please explain to me why my son, aka you, aka the future CEO and successor of my empire, aka you again, is pimping himself to fledgling corporations nation wide? Have you ever heard of corporate loyalty? How about family loyalty? Why are you sneaking around behind my back looking for a new job? Is this corporate sabotage? Are you wearing a wire?
**Dante starts to pay down his son. Chip pushes him away.**
CHIP: Get off me. Don't you remember? You demoted me and then fired me.
DANTE: That doesn't sound like something I'd do.
CHIP: I showed up with a purple tie to a board meeting and you fired me.
DANTE: Malarky. I was probably joking.
CHIP: My security card was revoked.
DANTE: All part of a practical joke. Have you no sense of humor, son?
CHIP: The locks were changed in my condo.
DANTE: Still sounds like a joke to me.
CHIP: You had my credit cards reported as stolen.
DANTE: And you don't see humor in that?
CHIP: I was charged with credit fraud. My court date is in 3 weeks.
DANTE: I'm bored with this conversation already. Time to get down to business. You're the heir to my empire, and I can't have you prostituting yourself to other companies. And what was with that video? You think any respectable company is going to hire you when you're parading around in tights and a sweater vest in a wrestling ring? Real men don't wear tights. Effective immediately you're reinstated in this company. Johnson, have Chip's security card reactivated.
**Mr. Johnson stops his attack on the LCD screen and nods approvingly.**
CHIP: You mean you're welcoming me back into the family? I always knew you cared, Dad.
DANTE: What's with all these sissy words like care and family? That's the problem with you, Chip. You're soft. You need to build some callouses on those palms and internal organs. Be a man. You want back in the company there are a few stipulations. #1, no more purple ties. #2, no more tights. #3, no more words like “care” or “family” or “love” or “caress”. You've given this family a bad reputation. And last but not least, no more wrestling. I didn't send you to the best Ivy League schools so you could be a wrestler. Couldn't you have tried a real man's sport like Rugby or big game hunting? Wrestling is out.
CHIP: But Dad, I'm under contract to perform. If I break the contract they'll sue. The last thing we need is another law suit.
DANTE: Yeah you're right about that. What a predicament you've put our family name in. What ever possessed you to become a wrestler in the first place?
CHIP: My only private clients would only invest in my mutual funds if I filled in some dead spots on their card.
DANTE: If you can't beat your little brother in badminton, what makes you think you can beat anyone in a fighting contest. I can't have you embarrassing me on TV. Your problem is you're too used to face masks and moisturizers. You need to toughen up. Be a real man. Who's this young chap you're destined to lose to?
CHIP: Waylon Hawthorne.
DANTE: Waylon Hawthorne? Waylon Hawthorne?!?!
**Dante Pekurny's veins bulge out of his head as he tenses up.**
DANTE: As in WAYLON Hawthorne?
CHIP: Uh..... yeah, Dad,
DANTE: I remember him from back in the day. He rocked the grizzly man beard, although I always swore it was most likely a fake. He was also a cheat. Back in 74 he was performing the local circuit and somehow got himself invited to a high stakes game of Pinochle with myself, the Mayor and a young Richard Branson. That Hawthorne was slipping cards up his sleeve all night.
CHIP: You think I have a chance against him?
DANTE: Not a prayer. Despite Hawthorne being a cheat and a scoundrel, he's also one of the toughest man's men who I ever met. That man has callouses on everything from his knuckles to kneecaps. If you want any chance of beating Hawthorne, I need to man you up. Come with me, boy. It's time for some intense testosterone exposure.
**How to man up a sissy boy #1**
**And so begins the mission of Dante Pekurny to “man up” his son, Chip. Hours later they stand in a barn somewhere in the country.**
DANTE: First up on the list of “How to man up a sissy boy” I'm going top teach you to ride a horse. Saddle up, boy.
CHIP: Dad, this is the same garbage Hawthorne is always feeding his grandson. This is a new age. A real man doesn't need to conform to some ancient standards of manliness like riding a horse to be a real man. We should all be accepted for who we are.
**Dante slaps Chip across the face.**
DANTE: Watch your mouth and get on the horse.
**Chip stares up at the horse standing next to him.**
CHIP: Where's the saddle?
DANTE: Real men don't sit on saddles. I told you we'd build some callouses, and that's exactly what we're going to do.
**Chip bounces up and down trying to get some momentum going to hoist himself up on the horse. As he tries to jump up he only makes it a few inches off the ground. He lands with a squishing sound under his feet. Chip sniffs the air and looks down.**
CHIP: Oh geez, those loafers cost me $250.
**Chip hops away on one foot. He stands against a hay bail and wipes the loafers on the hay.**
DANTE: Come on you wimp. Get back here and build some callouses.**
**How to man up a sissy boy #2**
**And so continues Dante's quest to “man up” his son. They are walking out of an old run down movie theatre. Dante looks like he's ready to vomit. Chip has a smile on his face.**
CHIP: That wasn't so bad. Catchy closing number.
DANTE: Will someone explain to me what in God's name Lee Marvin was doing singing? There's nothing that man's a boy up more than a good old Lee Marvin movie. What went wrong?
**Chip is singing the chorus.**
CHIP: I was born under a wanderin star..... a wanderin, wanderin star!
DANTE: Enough with that filth. This isn't going as planned. It's time for me to speed up this process. No more horses or Lee Marvin flicks. If we want to beat that cheat Hawthorne there's only one thing left to do. I'm going to show you how to shoot a gun.
**How to man up a sissy boy #3**
**Dante pulls a large revolver out of his jacket. Chip pushes his father's hand back into his jacket to hide the gun.**
CHIP: Are you crazy? You can't pull a gun out in public. You want to get arrested?
DANTE: You want to be owned by that crazy but macho hulk of a man called Hawthorne?
CHIP: What are you talking about, hulk of a man? He's a senior citizen with sagging man boobs. What's there to fear?
DANTE: I'm a senior citizen with sagging man boobs. Underneath Hawthorne's sagging man boobs is a black heart of stone. Don't underestimate him because of his age. Hawthorne will stop at nothing to win. You need to be willing to do the same. The only way to face a man that mean and that crazy is to be a cold blooded heel yourself. Now let me show you how to squeeze off a couple of rounds like a real man.
CHIP: No, dad. Put that thing away.
DANTE: Get your hands off my gun you snivelling woman!
**Chip and Dante are fighting back and forth over the revolver. While tugging on it, the trigger is accidentally squeezed. A shot goes off and Chip and Dante stop dead in their tracks. They look over at man coming out of the theatre who's suddely slumped over. He holds his chest. Blood starts to trickle out. A few people see this and scream.
DANTE: Run for it, son!
**As the crowd outside the theatre panics, Dante grabs Chip and they both run like the wind. As sirens are heard off in the distance, they duck into an alley and stand in the dark shadows to catch their breath. Chip is in total shock.**
CHIP: Did we just kill a man?
DANTE: Kill, maybe. Shot in cold blood, for sure. And what's this “we” stuff. YOU just shot a man. You know what that means?
CHIP: I'm going to prison?
DANTE: Probably. But more importantly...... you are now officially a real man. Even Hawthorne has never shot a man in cold blood. Congratulations son. Now let's get out of here before the police, or worse yet, the press catch wind of this.
**Dante drags a “manned up” CHIP PEKURNY away as they flee from the police.**