Post by "The Geriatric One" on Nov 29, 2010 22:14:32 GMT -6
(Waylon Hawthorne walks into his hotel room. He is led into the room by a dorkily dressed bell boy. Yes I am aware that dorkily is not a real word, but I don't care so stuff it.)
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Here you go Mr. Hawthorne. The room has standard ammanities, but there is a nice view of the skyline of the great city of Sacramento.
HAWTHORNE: Yeah, great city my hind end. This city is nothing but another California cesspool of those darn Mexicanese immigrants. Pretty soon good old wasps like you and me will be the minority.
(Of course old man Hawthorne is too senile to notice that the dorkily dressed bell boy is clearly Mexican by race. He looks like a second rate Menudo reject.)
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Mr. Hawthorne, I take offense to that.
HAWTHORNE: I know. I do too. I mean we used to have a white out across North America, now you can't go anywhere without seeing an immigrant.
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Sir if I wasn't an employee of this hotel I would knock your block off.
HAWTHORNE: I know, the frustration can be too much to bear, but it's ok. One day we'll get it all back.
(Hawthorne reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter. He flicks it over to the Mexicanese bell boy.)
HAWTHORNE: You're doing a bang up job son. Don't spend it all in one place.
(Hawthorne lies on his bed. The bell boy balls up his fist and looks ready to pounce. He gets ready to punch Hawthorne but realizes that Hawthorne is already fast asleep and snoring. The dorkily dressed bell boy walks away in a huff.)
(We once again enter the awesomeness that is a Waylon Hawthorne dream. Once again he is his old, ripped, studly, pirate self. This awesome dream sequence also sees the return of the great fake novelty beard. The thick long fake beard makes Hawthorne look like more god than man. In this dream Hawthorne is leaving the ring. The fans are booing as Blackbeard Hawthorne has just scored a victory over the great 'Jumping' Jim Brunzell. Ok, so Jim Brunzell is definitely not great, but he's done more than you have so get off the poor guys back. Blackbeard gets backstage and looks at himself in the mirror.)
HAWTHORNE: Arrrrrr matey. You sure did some damage today.
(The great "Superstar Billy Graham approaches Hawthorne from behind. Oh you better darn well believe he was great. If I ever hear you besmirch the name of Billy Graham again I'll slap you silly big mouth.)
GRAHAM: Nice job today Blackbeard.
HAWTHORNE: Thanks. A few more wins and that WWF Title will be mine.
GRAHAM: Sorry Waylon, you never do become champion. You only got one shot, and you lost.
(Hawthorne looks in the mirror again and he is once again transformed into the flabby, gray haired wrinkled man, with saggy old man boobs. Of course though the beard stays, why you ask? Because it's awesome. Hawthorne looks back at Graham who has transformed into his older self.)
HAWTHORNE: Wow, you're still pretty ripped.
GRAHAM: Yeah, that's steroids for you.
HAWTHORNE: I just don't get it. I was over with the fans, I was tough, I was intimidating, and I had this awesome beard. Why did I never reach the top?
GRAHAM: Waylon, you were always good, but you were never great. You were just a novelty. Kids liked to boo you, but they would have never taken you seriously.
HAWTHORNE: I have that same problem today. Everyone thinks I'm a joke. I've got this match coming up against this snot nose little trust fund wiener Chip Pekurny, and we're on the undercard. The undercard Billy. I used to headline shows at the Garden... ok well I didn't headline them, but I was usually in the upper mid card zone. Now I'm on the undercard against daddy's little disappointment.
GRAHAM: Do you know how I became such a Superstar?
HAWTHORNE: Because you have that awesome mustache?
GRAHAM: What is your obsession with facial hair?
HAWTHORNE: Tell me, what would have become of Clark Gable if he didn't have a stache?
GRAHAM: Ok, you have me there, but no that's not why I became a superstar. I was a superstar because I had a can do attitude. You need to go out there with a can do attitude and whoop that socialite like a red headed step child. Show the world that you deserve to be at the top.
HAWTHORNE: You're right. I'm gonna march in there and give Chip Pekurny a lickin that will keep on tickin for the rest of his life. Then I'm going to grow myself a mustache that would make Clark Gable look like Sidney Crosby. I will rock the stache like it's never been rocked before.
GRAHAM: Sorry Waylon. Don't you remember you can't grow facial hair. That's why you have the novelty beard. You can't even grow stubble. You will never have a mustache.
(Waylon wakes up screaming. He runs out of his room and runs down the hallway screaming. The dorkily dressed bell boy stops him.)
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Mr. Hawthorne, what's wrong?
HAWTHORNE: Beat it Paco. I'm being haunted by the ghosts of former WWF Champions, and they're telling me I can't grow a mustache.
(Hawthorne shoves the bell boy aside and continues down the hallway.)
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: That was the strangest thing I've ever heard, but at least he knows I'm Mexican now.
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Here you go Mr. Hawthorne. The room has standard ammanities, but there is a nice view of the skyline of the great city of Sacramento.
HAWTHORNE: Yeah, great city my hind end. This city is nothing but another California cesspool of those darn Mexicanese immigrants. Pretty soon good old wasps like you and me will be the minority.
(Of course old man Hawthorne is too senile to notice that the dorkily dressed bell boy is clearly Mexican by race. He looks like a second rate Menudo reject.)
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Mr. Hawthorne, I take offense to that.
HAWTHORNE: I know. I do too. I mean we used to have a white out across North America, now you can't go anywhere without seeing an immigrant.
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Sir if I wasn't an employee of this hotel I would knock your block off.
HAWTHORNE: I know, the frustration can be too much to bear, but it's ok. One day we'll get it all back.
(Hawthorne reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter. He flicks it over to the Mexicanese bell boy.)
HAWTHORNE: You're doing a bang up job son. Don't spend it all in one place.
(Hawthorne lies on his bed. The bell boy balls up his fist and looks ready to pounce. He gets ready to punch Hawthorne but realizes that Hawthorne is already fast asleep and snoring. The dorkily dressed bell boy walks away in a huff.)
(We once again enter the awesomeness that is a Waylon Hawthorne dream. Once again he is his old, ripped, studly, pirate self. This awesome dream sequence also sees the return of the great fake novelty beard. The thick long fake beard makes Hawthorne look like more god than man. In this dream Hawthorne is leaving the ring. The fans are booing as Blackbeard Hawthorne has just scored a victory over the great 'Jumping' Jim Brunzell. Ok, so Jim Brunzell is definitely not great, but he's done more than you have so get off the poor guys back. Blackbeard gets backstage and looks at himself in the mirror.)
HAWTHORNE: Arrrrrr matey. You sure did some damage today.
(The great "Superstar Billy Graham approaches Hawthorne from behind. Oh you better darn well believe he was great. If I ever hear you besmirch the name of Billy Graham again I'll slap you silly big mouth.)
GRAHAM: Nice job today Blackbeard.
HAWTHORNE: Thanks. A few more wins and that WWF Title will be mine.
GRAHAM: Sorry Waylon, you never do become champion. You only got one shot, and you lost.
(Hawthorne looks in the mirror again and he is once again transformed into the flabby, gray haired wrinkled man, with saggy old man boobs. Of course though the beard stays, why you ask? Because it's awesome. Hawthorne looks back at Graham who has transformed into his older self.)
HAWTHORNE: Wow, you're still pretty ripped.
GRAHAM: Yeah, that's steroids for you.
HAWTHORNE: I just don't get it. I was over with the fans, I was tough, I was intimidating, and I had this awesome beard. Why did I never reach the top?
GRAHAM: Waylon, you were always good, but you were never great. You were just a novelty. Kids liked to boo you, but they would have never taken you seriously.
HAWTHORNE: I have that same problem today. Everyone thinks I'm a joke. I've got this match coming up against this snot nose little trust fund wiener Chip Pekurny, and we're on the undercard. The undercard Billy. I used to headline shows at the Garden... ok well I didn't headline them, but I was usually in the upper mid card zone. Now I'm on the undercard against daddy's little disappointment.
GRAHAM: Do you know how I became such a Superstar?
HAWTHORNE: Because you have that awesome mustache?
GRAHAM: What is your obsession with facial hair?
HAWTHORNE: Tell me, what would have become of Clark Gable if he didn't have a stache?
GRAHAM: Ok, you have me there, but no that's not why I became a superstar. I was a superstar because I had a can do attitude. You need to go out there with a can do attitude and whoop that socialite like a red headed step child. Show the world that you deserve to be at the top.
HAWTHORNE: You're right. I'm gonna march in there and give Chip Pekurny a lickin that will keep on tickin for the rest of his life. Then I'm going to grow myself a mustache that would make Clark Gable look like Sidney Crosby. I will rock the stache like it's never been rocked before.
GRAHAM: Sorry Waylon. Don't you remember you can't grow facial hair. That's why you have the novelty beard. You can't even grow stubble. You will never have a mustache.
(Waylon wakes up screaming. He runs out of his room and runs down the hallway screaming. The dorkily dressed bell boy stops him.)
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: Mr. Hawthorne, what's wrong?
HAWTHORNE: Beat it Paco. I'm being haunted by the ghosts of former WWF Champions, and they're telling me I can't grow a mustache.
(Hawthorne shoves the bell boy aside and continues down the hallway.)
DORKILY DRESSED BELL BOY: That was the strangest thing I've ever heard, but at least he knows I'm Mexican now.
