WE <3 PSYDRAG (Chp. 5)

[Wearedoomed]

====================
WE <3 PSYDRAG
~Chapter Five~

The Van Der Kamp Identity
====================


*The scene opens to show a small room through a camera lens. There is a “Masks 4 Hire” flag crudely nailed and taped onto the wall. Several seconds later, Psycho Dragon and Ultimo Doom jump into the frame from opposite sides*

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

Greetings, ladies and gents! Your friendly neighborhood PsyDrag here --

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Along with the amazing and spectacular UltDoom --

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

And, like, together we are the single coolest team-up and Cheech and that other guy --

~ULTIMO DOOM~

The most awesome--

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

The ever-so fantastic--

~ULTIMO DOOM~

The maskiest team-up in the history of masky team-ups--

~MASKS FOR HIRE~

MASKS! FOR! HIRE!

*Both men then proceed to do a goofy pose as a cheesy trumpet tune plays in the background for a few seconds*

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

*points at the camera* And we’ll do just about anything! Now, you guys have probably been wondering where I and my cohort have been for the last few weeks, and believe me I can honestly vouch for myself in regards to my absence! Ultimo, on the other hand, I’m not real sure about….

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Not even I know where I’ve been, to be honest! I decided to do some hiking and wound up being lost for days! I met some nice, inbred folk, though! They wore red and gold and waved their arms around like they were chopping things and communicated only in incoherent hollering!

*PsyDrag looks at Ultimo and rubs his chin before snapping his fingers*

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

You musta been all the way in Tallahassee then, amigo! Those Seminole fans are a rather unusual bunch!

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Oh…….*looks at the camera*…Amazing what you can learn these days, loyal viewers!

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

*looks at the camera* And, speaking of which kiddies, today’s video program is brought to you by the letter “D”; “D” as in “Dumb”--

~ULTIMO DOOM~

“Desperation”--

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

“Denial”--

~ULTIMO DOOM~

“Dimwit”--

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

Or even “Dimwittedness”, for those with a fancy of big words!

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Nicely done, partner!

*PsyDrag casually takes a bow*

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

Thankies! And, oh, “Delusion” ! You see, kiddies, these words, among other derogatory nicknames that don’t start with today’s letter, all sum up one man. This doofus…..Oh, another word!--This DOOFUS I speak of is none other than……Uhm…….*looks at Ultimo*…..What’s that one guy’s name?

~ULTIMO DOOM~

*rubs chin*…….Ian DeTornado?

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

No, not that particular retard. He’s the “special” referee, after all. *holds up finger* I’m facing another no-name, no-cred loser!

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Teen Throb, perhaps?

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

…..No, no, this guy I’m facing has absolutely no talent whatsoever.

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Danny O’Callahan?

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

Good guess, but completely unlikely…

*Ultimo begins to ponder heavily whilst the undefeated PsyDrag begins to scratch his head as he thinks too*

~ULTIMO DOOM~

*snaps fingers* OH I KNOW!!

*PsyDrag looks curiously at Ultimo*

~ULTIMO DOOM~

BILL DUMAS!

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

……………..Who?

~ULTIMO DOOM~

……You know, I’ve completely forgotten…..

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

Aah……..Oh, oh, I know, I know, I know! I know who my opponent is! It’s that one generic, Jason Bourne knockoff guy who keeps getting his ass handed to him by everyone under the SWA payroll!

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Oh, THAT one guy! The amnesic who someone found that was trained in the killing arts! Just like in just about every action movie and RPG game ever created!

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

*smiling* Precisely, brah, and one knows that if your whole existence is based off of a grossly overused storyline cliché, then you know that you’ve truly hit rock bottom!

~ULTIMO DOOM~

*nods vigorously* In-freaking-deed, PsyDrag! So, who’s the guy you’ll be facing and so obviously demolishing?

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

Why, it’s……..*pauses*……….*shakes fist* DAMMIT, I FORGOT AGAIN!

*PsyDrag begins to visibly fume in annoyance. Ultimo then proceeds to pat PsyDrag on the shoulder as he tries to calm him down*

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Easy, pal, easy……Remember what the therapist said! We don’t want you going all Hulk on innocent civilians again---

~PSYCHO DRAGON~

THEN THAT STUPID LITTLE BRAT AT THE PRESCHOOL SHOULDN’T HAVE FREAKING RIPPED ME OFF---

~ULTIMO DOOM~

Take deep breaths, man…..Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale….

*PsyDrag complies with Ultimo as he takes slow, steady breathes. After about a half-minute of meditation, PsyDrag looks back at the cam*

~PSYCHO DOOM~

You know…….Me and UltDoom are just gonna go get a beer while you kids watch an educational video we made for that Larsen Van Der Kamp guy…..Enjoy the show…

*The masked men then go walk off-set as PsyDrag can be heard saying “I swear, dude, the guy’s name is, like, on the tip of my tongue! True story!”*

--------------------
*cuts to static*
--------------------

“You know…..I haven’t been the best I could be….Last month, I was on top of the mountain, challenging Ian DeTornado for the crown jewel; the greatest prize anyone in the wrestling world can hope to attain: the SWA Undisputed Championship. True, I failed miserably as always, but that didn’t stop the fact that I was once a contender for a belt. That I actually had some shred of meaning in my worthless life that I so conveniently forgot about. That, had it not been for my suckiness and lameitude, I would’ve been a Champion…..But, no. I lost. I mean, yeah, I came close: seeing as it was a two-out-of-three-falls match against someone just as, if not even more pitifully mediocre than me, Ian DeTornado took pity upon me like the others I had somehow managed to beat and laid down for me, to give me at least some feeling of accomplishment…..That, or he tripped over something, being the clumsy twat that he is. Either way, it has been always like that for me; anyone who pitied me and my lack of reason for being enough simply laid down for me. It had nothing to do with the fact that my moves had any “oomph” behind them, nothing to do with me being the better man……It was all just Lady Luck rolling the sevens for me…..Until I failed to beat Ian DeTornado, something that half the roster had already easily done, and secure the SWA Undisputed belt around my flabby, stretched-out waistline! I don’t honestly believe that I cried like the sniveling baby that I am more than that night; when I was practically beaten into a pulp by everyone else’s punching-bag…

Perhaps it was all for the best, though, in the end…..I mean, nobody would’ve been convinced that I would bring credibility to the Title, and with my constantly raking in the losses, I would only diminish the belt…..After my inevitable defeat at the hands of the Mortal Kombat reject himself, it was only obvious that my ever-so present crappiness and non-existent ring skills would be completely exposed for the whole world to see! I was embarrassed by Teen Throb, as everyone with a brain would predict. I was mauled by Duke Wallace like I was some rag-doll, and I would’ve obviously lost the SWA Undisputed Title to that clown Gabriel Martin! Not like my opponent this Sunday at Fever, the uber-super-awesome Psycho Dragon! No matter who is holding the belt as the defending Champion; whether it be Ian DeTornado, Gabriel Martin, or god forbid even a LOSER like me, PsyDrag will completely streamroll us and become the greatest Champion in our company’s history! He is without a doubt the most deserving, talented, and handsome guy on the roster! However, while PsyDrag is getting the spotlight he deserves, I’ll have the Extreme Combat belt to keep me company - provided that I finally win something that makes be look good……Up until either Teen Throb cashes in his rematch clause, or the rising upstart Ultimo Doom utterly decimates me! Either way, we all know that if Lady Luck rolls in my favor, I’ll be known as the worst-ever Extreme Combat Champion in history!

Oh, PsyDrag! PLEASE have mercy on me, and lay down for me, so that way I can still say I’ve won more matches than I’ve lost! Who knows, maybe my fluke win will help me regain my memories! PLEASE, PsyDrag! I’ll do anything, anything you ask! Just PLEASE don’t beat me--”

*There is a loud knock coming from somewhere. A screechy voice can be heard*

“LLAARRSSEENN!! WHY IS YOUR DOOR CLOSED!?”

“Ugh……”

“WHY IS YOUR DOOR CLOSED?!”

“I …..I was talking to myself in the dark, Mom!”

“WHAT?!”

“I said I’m talking to myself in the dark, Mom!”

“WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THE DARK?! YOU GOTTA STOP! IT’S STUPID AND PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK YOU’RE RETARDED!”

“But people ALREADY think I’m retarded, what with my pretending to have no recollection of my previous life, and you know I hate it when you interrupt my self-conversations!”

“YOU STOP WATCHING THE BOURNE IDENTITY, COME OUTTA YOUR ROOM AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO AN HOUR AGO THIS INSTANT!”

“NO! Not until I’m done babbling to myself for no reason!”

*A long silence engulfs the black void once more*

“………………………….ARE YOU SLAPPING YOUR DILLY-WILLY AGAIN?!”


“MOM?!”

“YOU ARE, AREN’T YOU?! THIS IS WHY WE HAVE THE TALK; I DON‘T WANNA SEE MY BABY GROW HAIR ON HIS PALMS LIKE HIS FATHER!”

“No, mom! It’s not like that--”

“AND I BET EVERY DOLLA IN MY BANK ACCOUNT THAT YOUR DOING IT TO PICTURES OF THOSE MASKED MEN AGAIN!!”

“Not this time--

“SO YOU ARE!!”

“No, that came out wrong--

“I’M COMING IN AND TURNING ON THE LIGHT! IF YOU’RE SINNING IN THERE, THEN YOU’RE GONNA GET TAUGHT A LESSON IN SANITY!”

“Mom, DON’T!!”

*Suddenly, light erupts from the darkness as a open is swung open and the flick of a switch can be heard, eradicating the remaining darkness. Ultimo Mom (Ultimo Doom with a white wig, blue dress and a broom) finds Van Der Drag (Psycho Dragon with a mask that had Van Der Kamp’s face spray-painted on it, a long trench-coat and boxers with polka dots on them) in a strange predicament: Van Der Drag sits in a chair next to a shelf with a box of tissues and some store-brand lotion, with pictures of PsyDrag and Ultimo scattered on the floor. Van Der Drag gulps loudly whilst Ultimo Mom raises the broom. Just then, the screen goes black again as the sounds of loud thumping noises and torturous, deathly screaming can be heard echoing throughout, nearly drowning out the cheesy instrumental of “Merry-Go-Round Broke Down”. This continues for a couple minutes until it cuts out*



~FIN~

[/center]