Post by "The Geriatric One" on Nov 13, 2010 1:50:19 GMT -6
("Geriatric" Waylon Hawthorne sits on an airplane bound for Boise, Idaho. He is sitting next to what appears to be a successful business man.)
HAWTHORNE: Boise, what kind of stupid name for a city is that? Boise, Idaho.
BUSINESS MAN: I'm not really sure where the name comes from.
HAWTHORNE: Well, it sure does sound stupid.
BUSINESS MAN: Where are you from?
HAWTHORNE: Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
BUSINESS MAN: Moose Jaw, and you think Boise... Never mind.
HAWTHORNE: I tell you what else is stupid. This airline only gives you a bag of peanuts for the flight. They don't even give anything to drink. I dehydrate easily, and these peanuts are way too salty.
BUSINESS MAN: I think they bring the drink cart out after take off. They accept cash or credit.
HAWTHORNE: Oh of course, that's the trick. They give you the peanuts to make you thirsty so you end up having to buy a drink. Lousy airline, always trying to screw you out of more money. It's bad enough that I have to pay extra to get a first class seat som I have some space and don't aggrivate my hernia.
BUSINESS MAN: Well, I hope you're comfortable enough here.
HAWTHORNE: I haven't been comfortable since the mid eighties. I've got hernia's, arthritis, calcium deposits on my joints. It's from all those years in the wrestling ring.
BUSINESS MAN: You were a wrestler?
HAWTHORNE: Still am.
BUSINESS MAN: How do you wrestle with all those ailments?
HAWTHORNE: I may be old, but I could still turn you over my knee and give you a lickin' that'll keep on tickin.
BUSINESS MAN: No need to get offended. It was just a question.
HAWTHORNE: That's the problem with you darn kids these days. So full of questions, no respect for your elders. Well that does it, I'll teach you some respect.
(Hawthorne stands up and starts to take off his belt. The flight attendant comes and stops him.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Mr. Hawthorne, why don't you use the restroom before takeoff?
HAWTHORNE: Well, I suppose the Depends could use a change. We'll finish this later.
(Hawthorne shakes his fist at the business man. He then trots off to the restroom.)
BUSINESS MAN: What is his problem?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: He's usually not this bad. He's a little agitated because he has an Extreme Combat title match coming up against Teen Throb, and he hasn't exactly been on a winning streak lately.
BUSINESS MAN: How does that old man even wrestle?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Don't let his age fool you. He's pretty darn tough.
(Hawthorne returns to his seat. he sits down and starts eating his peanuts.)
BUSINESS MAN: Well, do you want to finish what you started?
HAWTHORNE: I'm sorry, have we met?
BUSINESS MAN: We were just talking.
HAWTHORNE: I don't think so. I never forget a face.
BUSINESS MAN: It was just before you went to the bathroom.
HAWTHORNE: I wasn't in the bathroom, I was watering the plants in the garden.
(The Flight Attendant gasps.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: MY SALAD!
(She runs to the back. Hawthorne shakes his head.)
HAWTHORNE: Must be her time of the month.
BUSINESS MAN: So, you really don't remember...
(The business man looks over and Hawthorne is asleep snoring. The business man shrugs and pulls out his laptop. As Hawthorne sleeps he begins to dream]
(Hawthorne stands in front of a mirror flexing his muscles. He is right in the middle of his prime. Gone are the saggy man boobs, replaced with finely chiseled pecs. Gone is the wrinkly face, replaced with a smooth face of beauty... in a masculine way of course. Gone is the grey hair, replaced with thick black locks. He is also sporting a long black beard. It's a fake beard that's glued on as a prop, but darn it, it sure makes him look cool.)
HAWTHORNE: Arrrrr matey, I am Blackbeard Hawthorne.
VOICE OFF CAMERA: Accent needs a littl work.
(Hawthorne turns around and sees WWF Champion Bob Backlund. Backlund also is in his prime. Of course he is nowhere near the picture of Perfection that is Blackbeard Hawthorne, but he looks a heck of a lot better than he does present day.)
HAWTHORNE: Backlund. I can't wait to take that strap away from you.
BACKLUND: Sorry Waylon, but you lost the match.
HAWTHORNE: What?
BACKLUND: It's not 1978, and you're not a hunky pirate anymore.
HAWTHORNE: That's ridiculous. Look at me.
(Hawthorne turns back to the mirror. He watches as his chiseled pecs and handsome face are replaced with the saggy man boobs, and wrinkly face. His hair goes grey before his very eyes. The really cool fake beard stays though. Why you ask? I don't know it's a dream for crying out loud, it's not supposed to make sense. I'd like to see how much sense your dreams make, you critical jerk.)
HAWTHORNE: No, come back Blackbeard. I need you.
BACKLUND: Why do you need him?
(Hawthorne turns back to Backlund who has also transformed into the old man he is today.)
HAWTHORNE: I can't win like I used to. I was strong, I was fit, I was verile, and I was pretty darn studly. Look at me now. I'm no match for these kids anymore. Teen Throb is a sissy little girl, and I can't even beat him. I'm gonna lose to a queer. It'll be just like the time you lost to the Iron Sheik.
BACKLUND: Iron Sheik wasn't a queer.
HAWTHORNE: Now who's being naive.
BACKLUND: Listen to me. You have everything you need to beat Teen Throb. You have something he will never have.
HAWTHORNE: Irritable Bowel Syndrome?
BACKLUND: No, you have heart.
HAWTHORNE: Sure, but it's already had two attacks, and three bypass surgeries.
BACKLUND: That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the will to win. The will to take on the world. The will to look danger in the eye and laugh. You my friend have courage. That is what it will take to beat the sissy boy. Not chiseled pecs, not a studly face, not thick black locks.
HAWTHORNE: What about the beard?
BACKLUND: Well, technically speaking it doesn't help, but you sure do look cool.
HAWTHORNE: You know what, you're right. Teen Throb isn't half the man I am. I'm not a woman, but if I was he wouldn't even be half the woman I am. That little brat doesn't have anything on me, except for chiseled pecs, and a studly face, but he definitely doesn't have the beard. I'm going to show that little girl what a real man is made of, saggy man boobs and all. Thank you Mr. Backlund, you have shown me the way.
BACKLUND: Go get him Waylon. Show him what an old school butt kickin' is all about.
HAWTHORNE: You betcha.
(Waylon wakes up from his dream. He leaps out of his chair.)
BUSINESS MAN: What's the matter?
HAWTHORNE: Bob Backlund came to me in my dream from beyond the grave and told me I can beat Teen Throb. All I need is a big black novelty beard.
BUSINESS MAN: Mr. Hawthorne, Bob Backlund isn't dead, how could he come from beyond the grave?
HAWTHORNE: I have to get off the plane. I need to get to Boise.
(Hawthorne tries to walk out in the aisle, but the business man grabs his arm.)
BUSINESS MAN: But, the plane is headed to Boise.
HAWTHORNE: I don't have time for these shenanigans. I have a match to win.
(Hawthorne backhands the man. He grabs a parachute and puts it on his back. Hawthorne charges through the escape hatch.)
HAWTHORNE: GERONI.....
(Hawthorne falls face first on the tarmac. The flight attendant looks out the hatch.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Someone should have told him that we haven't taken off yet.
HAWTHORNE: Boise, what kind of stupid name for a city is that? Boise, Idaho.
BUSINESS MAN: I'm not really sure where the name comes from.
HAWTHORNE: Well, it sure does sound stupid.
BUSINESS MAN: Where are you from?
HAWTHORNE: Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
BUSINESS MAN: Moose Jaw, and you think Boise... Never mind.
HAWTHORNE: I tell you what else is stupid. This airline only gives you a bag of peanuts for the flight. They don't even give anything to drink. I dehydrate easily, and these peanuts are way too salty.
BUSINESS MAN: I think they bring the drink cart out after take off. They accept cash or credit.
HAWTHORNE: Oh of course, that's the trick. They give you the peanuts to make you thirsty so you end up having to buy a drink. Lousy airline, always trying to screw you out of more money. It's bad enough that I have to pay extra to get a first class seat som I have some space and don't aggrivate my hernia.
BUSINESS MAN: Well, I hope you're comfortable enough here.
HAWTHORNE: I haven't been comfortable since the mid eighties. I've got hernia's, arthritis, calcium deposits on my joints. It's from all those years in the wrestling ring.
BUSINESS MAN: You were a wrestler?
HAWTHORNE: Still am.
BUSINESS MAN: How do you wrestle with all those ailments?
HAWTHORNE: I may be old, but I could still turn you over my knee and give you a lickin' that'll keep on tickin.
BUSINESS MAN: No need to get offended. It was just a question.
HAWTHORNE: That's the problem with you darn kids these days. So full of questions, no respect for your elders. Well that does it, I'll teach you some respect.
(Hawthorne stands up and starts to take off his belt. The flight attendant comes and stops him.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Mr. Hawthorne, why don't you use the restroom before takeoff?
HAWTHORNE: Well, I suppose the Depends could use a change. We'll finish this later.
(Hawthorne shakes his fist at the business man. He then trots off to the restroom.)
BUSINESS MAN: What is his problem?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: He's usually not this bad. He's a little agitated because he has an Extreme Combat title match coming up against Teen Throb, and he hasn't exactly been on a winning streak lately.
BUSINESS MAN: How does that old man even wrestle?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Don't let his age fool you. He's pretty darn tough.
(Hawthorne returns to his seat. he sits down and starts eating his peanuts.)
BUSINESS MAN: Well, do you want to finish what you started?
HAWTHORNE: I'm sorry, have we met?
BUSINESS MAN: We were just talking.
HAWTHORNE: I don't think so. I never forget a face.
BUSINESS MAN: It was just before you went to the bathroom.
HAWTHORNE: I wasn't in the bathroom, I was watering the plants in the garden.
(The Flight Attendant gasps.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: MY SALAD!
(She runs to the back. Hawthorne shakes his head.)
HAWTHORNE: Must be her time of the month.
BUSINESS MAN: So, you really don't remember...
(The business man looks over and Hawthorne is asleep snoring. The business man shrugs and pulls out his laptop. As Hawthorne sleeps he begins to dream]
(Hawthorne stands in front of a mirror flexing his muscles. He is right in the middle of his prime. Gone are the saggy man boobs, replaced with finely chiseled pecs. Gone is the wrinkly face, replaced with a smooth face of beauty... in a masculine way of course. Gone is the grey hair, replaced with thick black locks. He is also sporting a long black beard. It's a fake beard that's glued on as a prop, but darn it, it sure makes him look cool.)
HAWTHORNE: Arrrrr matey, I am Blackbeard Hawthorne.
VOICE OFF CAMERA: Accent needs a littl work.
(Hawthorne turns around and sees WWF Champion Bob Backlund. Backlund also is in his prime. Of course he is nowhere near the picture of Perfection that is Blackbeard Hawthorne, but he looks a heck of a lot better than he does present day.)
HAWTHORNE: Backlund. I can't wait to take that strap away from you.
BACKLUND: Sorry Waylon, but you lost the match.
HAWTHORNE: What?
BACKLUND: It's not 1978, and you're not a hunky pirate anymore.
HAWTHORNE: That's ridiculous. Look at me.
(Hawthorne turns back to the mirror. He watches as his chiseled pecs and handsome face are replaced with the saggy man boobs, and wrinkly face. His hair goes grey before his very eyes. The really cool fake beard stays though. Why you ask? I don't know it's a dream for crying out loud, it's not supposed to make sense. I'd like to see how much sense your dreams make, you critical jerk.)
HAWTHORNE: No, come back Blackbeard. I need you.
BACKLUND: Why do you need him?
(Hawthorne turns back to Backlund who has also transformed into the old man he is today.)
HAWTHORNE: I can't win like I used to. I was strong, I was fit, I was verile, and I was pretty darn studly. Look at me now. I'm no match for these kids anymore. Teen Throb is a sissy little girl, and I can't even beat him. I'm gonna lose to a queer. It'll be just like the time you lost to the Iron Sheik.
BACKLUND: Iron Sheik wasn't a queer.
HAWTHORNE: Now who's being naive.
BACKLUND: Listen to me. You have everything you need to beat Teen Throb. You have something he will never have.
HAWTHORNE: Irritable Bowel Syndrome?
BACKLUND: No, you have heart.
HAWTHORNE: Sure, but it's already had two attacks, and three bypass surgeries.
BACKLUND: That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the will to win. The will to take on the world. The will to look danger in the eye and laugh. You my friend have courage. That is what it will take to beat the sissy boy. Not chiseled pecs, not a studly face, not thick black locks.
HAWTHORNE: What about the beard?
BACKLUND: Well, technically speaking it doesn't help, but you sure do look cool.
HAWTHORNE: You know what, you're right. Teen Throb isn't half the man I am. I'm not a woman, but if I was he wouldn't even be half the woman I am. That little brat doesn't have anything on me, except for chiseled pecs, and a studly face, but he definitely doesn't have the beard. I'm going to show that little girl what a real man is made of, saggy man boobs and all. Thank you Mr. Backlund, you have shown me the way.
BACKLUND: Go get him Waylon. Show him what an old school butt kickin' is all about.
HAWTHORNE: You betcha.
(Waylon wakes up from his dream. He leaps out of his chair.)
BUSINESS MAN: What's the matter?
HAWTHORNE: Bob Backlund came to me in my dream from beyond the grave and told me I can beat Teen Throb. All I need is a big black novelty beard.
BUSINESS MAN: Mr. Hawthorne, Bob Backlund isn't dead, how could he come from beyond the grave?
HAWTHORNE: I have to get off the plane. I need to get to Boise.
(Hawthorne tries to walk out in the aisle, but the business man grabs his arm.)
BUSINESS MAN: But, the plane is headed to Boise.
HAWTHORNE: I don't have time for these shenanigans. I have a match to win.
(Hawthorne backhands the man. He grabs a parachute and puts it on his back. Hawthorne charges through the escape hatch.)
HAWTHORNE: GERONI.....
(Hawthorne falls face first on the tarmac. The flight attendant looks out the hatch.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Someone should have told him that we haven't taken off yet.
