Post by Wearedoomed on Sept 4, 2010 20:05:27 GMT -6
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WE <3 PSYDRAG
~Chapter Three~
A Face Made For Radio
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“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity”
- Edgar Allan Poe
*As opposed to the usual opening we get with the handcam showing the face of the undefeated PsyDrag in some random location, the screen airs a package of the SWA Champion, Ian Detornado, in matches with Teen Throb and Larsen Van Der Kamp in black and white while “Milkshake” by Kellis can be heard playing in the background. A creepy voiceover that sounds like it was narrating porn than begins to speak whilst the package continues*
<^>CREEPY VOICEOVER GUY<^>
Hey, baby, this is the best worst radio talk-show program that you ain’t ever heard of, with the man who lays down the linguistic gold like bricks and the musical tastes that put the “pop” in pop culture; the SWA Champion, Ian Detropicaldepression….And this, my friends, is the time to listen to the calming sounds….. “The Sounds of the Tropical Depression”, as presented by the MFH Radio Network…..Here’s your host, sweet thang..
*The opening graphics then fade to show Psycho Dragon and his accomplice, Ultimo Doom; the collective known as “Masks For Hire”, as they were dressed in a most unusual fashion. PsyDrag was topless and had various animal “tattoos” painted on his chest and shoulders . He also has on a wig consisting of long, black hair. Ultimo Doom is wearing a hot-pick jacket with glitter all over it, along with a pink ball-cap worn at an exaggerated angle. Both men sit behind a table with a crudely made Philippines flag nailed to the background. PsyDrag then proceeds to speak*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Hello, faithful listeners! Welcome to “Sounds of the Tropical Depression”; I am host and reigning SWA Champion, Ian Detropicaldepression! ….Try saying that five times fast….Sitting next to me is very special guest, SWA Extreme Combat Champion, Teen Mom!
*PsyDrag motions towards Ultimo Doom, who then starts to squeal like a little girl*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
Like…..OH….MY…..GAWD!! I’m like, SO excited to be here, Ian! I get to, like, promote my failed boy-band no one listens to and stuff!
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
*nods* That so true, Teen Mom! What your band called, by the way?
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
*shrugs* I don’t know! That’s for my record-executive to decide; we have almost nothing to do with our decisions!
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
That make perfect sense to me, Teen Mom! Now, for weekly news for SWA! Just let me get notes together….
*Still facing the camera like a robot, PsyDrag then proceeds to scoop up a pile of unorganized notes that were scattered over the desk and files them up before scanning through the various papers*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
In opening match, multi-billion dollar waste of sperm Chip Pekurny will take on some lonely virgin who dresses up like a Spider-Man villain reject by name of James Payne!
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
*does flamboyant hand gesture* Like, oh my God, those men sound completely out of my league!
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
I’m sure they are, Teen Mom! *looks at notes again* Second match of the evening will pit that one whiny Irish kid, Danny O’Cahallan, against resident Indy wrestler who can’t even execute Headlock correctly, Branden Harvey! What do you think about that, Teen Mom?
*PsyDrag looks over at Ultimo, who is frantically pressing buttons on some cheap-looking cell phone, as if he texting someone*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
*giggles like a girl*……O…M…G……Lets go…..to…..mall……
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
….Uh, Teen Mom? Hello?
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
You….are…..so…BFF…..
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Yoo-hoo, Teen Mom? Anyone vacant?
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
……L..O…L…..exclamation…point--
*PsyDrag then snatches the phone from out of Ultimo’s hands like a barn owl snatching a rat from off the ground before throwing the phone away in some random direction*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
HHHHEEEEAAAAYYY!! I was, like, so texting my BFF! If don’t respond, he’ll like start using voicemail, and I sssssooooooo hate voicemail! Unless I’m singing, I hate how nasally my voice can get and TMZ said that talking’s bad for your complexion---
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
You will get your stupid phone back as soon as show is over, Teen Mom! We continue interview, now! Now, tell me what you think about match I announced a minute ago!
*Ultimo scratches his head in confusion*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
Ah….Who again?
*PsyDrag goes to say something, but stops and starts rubbing his chin*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
You know……I actually forgot, myself……*shrugs* Oh, well! What you think, anyway?
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
Probably the ugliest effin’ men I’ve ever seen in my life! They so make Edward Cullen and Jacob Black look like Tom Cruise and Matt Damon!
*PsyDrag picks his “notes” back up and thumbs through thumb once more*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Our next match of night will be “Electrified Cage Match” between some generic Doctor Cube knock-off named Dr. Kazuya Kogemaru and current record older for “World’s Oldest Man”, Waylon Hawthorne!
*Ultimo recoils in a mock disgust and cringes like he just walked in on his parents*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
Creepy guy who looks like a stick insect? Like, yuck! And saggy, hairy man-boobs?! Like, yuck AND barf! If I had to grapple with either if those guys, I’d like shoot myself! With a gun!
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Indeed! Now, main event will feature you and me, Teen Mom!
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
Like, really?! What kind of match?!
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Hehehe, well, Teen Mom, our match will be …..Ah…Uh….Let me check!
*PsyDrag then chuckles nervously as he skims through the papers once again and sees the page he’s looking for. He looks up and down and stops. Suddenly, he nearly leaps out of his chair and slaps his hand onto his head in sheer fright*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
HHHIIIIIII-YYYYAAAAHHHH!! THIS MUST BE MISTAKE!!
*Ultimo then gulps loudly as he sees the host’s reaction to the news as said host looks as if he’s about to have a heart attack*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
…….What is it? What is the match?
*PsyDrag clinches his fists in anger, crumbling the piece of paper in the process*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Gods have played a very cruel joke on both of us, Teen Mom! Wheels of fate have just taken U-turn!!
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
SPIT IT OUT!
*PsyDrag looks at Ultimo in disarray and unscrambles the paper to read it…..Or to attempt to read it as PsyDrag turns his head away*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
We…..Are in TLC tag team match……*hesitates*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
And?
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
……Our opponents are…..Masks For Hires! OUR CAREERS ARE OVER!!
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
*throws up arms* NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!! My nails are, like, sssoooo gonna get broken! *points at PsyDrag* How am I gonna explain this to my beautician?!
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Who gives damn about your fingernails?! What about our lives?! Masks For Hire are far too good for us! We will be slaughtered like cattle, and all you can think about are…..are-----GGAAHHH!!
*PsyDrag facepalms and slumps into his chair as he begins to cry like a little girl. Ultimo starts to sniffle excessively as he goes to comfort his distressed friend*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
Shh….Shh…..It’s okay….Why don’t we play some music and me and the gang could so take you shopping.
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
*sniffs* You really mean that? In that case….*looks at the camera* let’s take break and cut to some music on “Sounds of the Tropical Depression”!
*As they go to get up, an eerily familiar due begins to play, much to both men’s shock and horror*
“Little Green Bag” by George Baker Selection
"Lookin' back on the track for a little green bag,
Got to find just the kind or I'm losin' my mind
Out of sight in the night out of sight in the day,
Lookin' back on the track gonna do it my way.
Out of sight in the night out of sight in the day,
Lookin' back on the track gonna do it my way."
*Both PsyDrag and Ultimo then begin to comically freak out as the song plays*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
NO!! NOT ULTIMO DOOM’S THEME!! SHUT IT OFF!!
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
YES! YES! SHUT IT OFF! NOW!
*Just then, the theme suddenly gets cut off, much to their relief. They both look around and sigh*
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
Much better……Play something else, please.
*Then, much to their horror, another eerily familiar-sounding song begins to play*
“In Too Deep” by Genesis
"All that time I was searching with nowhere to run to,
It started me thinking.
Wondering what I could make of my life,
And who'd be waiting.
Asking all kinds of questions to myself,
But never finding the answers.
Crying at the top of my voice,
And no one listening.
All this time I still remember everything you said.."
<^>“Ian Detropicaldepression”<^>
NNNNNAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*PsyDrag then proceeds to openly weep some more as he buries his face inside Ultimo’s chest*
<^>“Teen Mom”<^>
*on the verge of tears* There’s SSSSOOOOO like, no escaping it! Those Mask For Hire guys are gonna kill us to death!!
"Listen, you know I love you but I just can't take this,
You know I love you but I'm playing for keeps.
Although I need you I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want you but I'm in too deep..."
*Both men start to cry like babies as Psycho Dragon’s theme song continues to play. The screen then cuts to a screen that reads “We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by”, whilst the sounds of Genesis and girly sobbing can still be heard in the background*
*cuts to static*
*The screen then cuts to both PsyDrag and Ultimo (now both in their regular attires) facing the now all-too-familiar handcam they always have with them. They are in a nice looking room with light-gray walls, a Mac computer on a desk, and a fairly large cage with a couple of ferrets sleeping in it. PsyDrag tilts his head and clears his throat a bit*
<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>
Now, boys and girls, we at Masks For Hire would like to ask you all a most serious question…..After watching the enactment that you have just viewed, are THOSE guys, like, the type of guys you’d like to see representing your all-time most favorite wrestling promotion in the world as it’s Champions? I’ll give you all a big hint…….HELL TO THE NO! You see, kiddies, in any given wrestling company, a Champion is someone you can cheer for and be proud of….But, not in the SWA’s case! Nope, nah-nah, not at all! At the moment, the Champions of SWA at the moment are unfortunately two of, like, the most overrated wrestlers in the history of overrated wrestlers: Ian Detornado and Teen Throb. Yes, Teen Throb actually has a belt now, apparently.
<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>
Yeah, who knew that LOSING a match would get you a Title shot, these days? Teen Throb, you ought to be counting all your blessings that you even had a Title shot before I even signed my name on the dotted line, or else I would’ve gone all Wolverine on your ass and I would be the Extreme Combat Champion!
<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>
Too true, partner. But, BUT, then there’s the undisputed king of the fluke….The poster boy for mediocrity….The duke of boredom, and the guy who doesn’t deserve to be the SWA Champion any which way you slice and dice it: Ian Detornado! First off, though, as far as Ian goes, I’ve gotta start off with this little fun fact:
WORST. NAME. EVER.
‘Kay…..With that outta my system, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Ian Detornadowarning or whatever the Hell you like to call yourself, in case you haven’t been paying, like, any attention to us at all, I’d like to inform you that I, good sir, am three for three in matches, with zero defeats or draws. And, just in case you cannot do the math….Hell, you can’t even master basic English to save your life, but still, if your brain can’t round that up, that means that I am one; UN-FREAKING-DEFEATED, and two; I have a higher winning percentage then you, Ian. And, you wanna know something? If and when the Masks For Hire BEAT both you and Teen Delinquent senseless in the middle of the ring with your own limbs and other various blunt weapons, that means that we’ll in all likelihood be in the running for both your Titles! I’ve beaten some tough guys to be undefeated; Hell, I’ve already beaten your tag partner up and down the arena like a damn piñata! So, with my being three for three---
<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>
--About to be four for four, with me about to be two for two. *thumbs up*
<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>
*smiles* Well said, Doomy! But, yeah Ian, once we beat you and add you both to our lists for guys we’ve, like, seriously PWNED more than The Hurt Locker pwned the Oscars--
<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>
Oh snap, crackle, and pop!
<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>
Word, son!
*Masks For Hire then proceed to go a strange-looking fist bump and they face the handcam again as PsyDrag continues to speak*
<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>
Like I said, when I beat you and add you to my list, Ian, the Powers That Be will have no freaking choice but to consider the possibility that I’m the one who’ll accomplish what no one else could do and knock you off the top of the hill and for good as the NEW SWA Champion! And, just like my associate here will with the poor man's Justin Timberlake you all known as Teen Throb, there is no stopping your friendly neighborhood PsyDrag from climbing the mountain and, like, snatching the brass ring from right out of your damn hands!
Now, kiddies, and the Powers That Be who run SWA, who do you see as a better-sounding SWA Champion: An undefeated hotshot who is unafraid to take risks and get the job done every single time? ……Or a scrawny little runt who hides behind a second-rate, Howard Stern knock-off radio show and talks like the bastard love child of David Spade and Mr. Miyagi? We, Masks For Hire, will let you come to your own conclusions.
Until next time, America, HHHEEEERRRREEEEESSS PSYCHY!
<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>
--AND DOOMY! WE ARE MASKS FOR HIRE--
<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>
--AND WE’LL DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING!
*PsyDrag then reaches for the handcam and presses a button than makes it shut off to black*
~FIN~