Post by "The Geriatric One" on Sept 4, 2010 19:15:10 GMT -6
(Waylon Hawthorne and his grandson Rory walk out of a Nascar memorabilia convention. Rory looks bored and irritated.)
RORY: When will you just give up your pathetic attempts to turn me into you?
HAWTHORNE: I'm not talking to you. How dare you insult the great Jeff Gordon by calling his sport boring?
RORY: I'm sorry, but I'm just not entertained by watching a bunch of cars drive in a circle and pollute the atmosphere.
(The two walk into their hotel room and Rory turns on the TV to watch the latest SWA promos. The promo of Dr. Kazuya Kogemaru is airing Hawthorne pays it no mind. He looks down at his list)
(Rory laughs at the TV. Hawthorne looks up.)
HAWTHORNE: What's so funny boy?
RORY: This guy you're going to fight on Fever he's great listen to this.
DR. KAZUYA: Easily, I can understand your mistake you make, seeing as I am addressing a bunch of Caucasian trashbags addled by the ravages of malt liqour and centuries of excessive inbreeding, who spend their meager unemployment checks on NASCAR memoribilia and Camaro parts.
I'm surprised you Skoal dipping Neanderthals have even figured out how to form multi-syllable sentences. very impressive indeed.
(Rory laughs again as Hawthorne looks down at his list again.)
(Hawthorne crumples up the list and throws it in the waste basket.)
HAWTHORNE: What does he know anyways?
RORY: He knows lots. He's quite the successful mad scientist. He's a student of Dr. Amy Rosen. They say he's brilliantly mad.
HAWTHORNE: I know Dr. Rosen.
RORY: Really?
HAWTHORNE: Sure, Rev and Gladiator had her psycho analyze me and declare me sane prior to my return to the ring.
RORY: What did you and her talk about?
HAWTHORNE: I don't really remember. Everything after the anal probe is kind of a blur. I woke up a week later with a bad headache and a strange scar on my inner thigh.
RORY: Well Grandpa, it looks like you're gonna have your hands full this time. He looks like he's gonna be tough to beat.
HAWTHORNE: Balderdash. He's just another one of those immigrant eggheads that steal all of the good working class man's jobs.
RORY: Trust me, if he's a student of Dr. Rosen's he's gonna be tough to beat.
HAWTHORNE: I'm hardly intimidated by a man who's been taught by a lesbian.
RORY: Grandpa, don't be rude.
HAWTHORNE: Fine, if you're so convinced he's tough, then we'll just have to find out his weakness.
RORY: How are we going to do that?
HAWTHORNE: We'll break into Dr. Rosen's lair and steal his file.
RORY: How do you know where Dr. Rosen's lair is?
HAWTHORNE: Trust me boy, you never forget the sight of your first probing.
(Several hours later Hawthorne and Rory approach a large steel door. A computerized voice comes from a speaker.)
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Who goes there?
HAWTHORNE: It's Waylon Hawthorne. I got probed here a few months back.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: What is the password?
HAWTHORNE: Let me in or I'll find a probe of my own and stick it where the sun don't shine. Capisce!
(The door opens.)
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Password accepted.
(Hawthorne and Rory slowly walk into the lair. It is cold and dark a robot comes around the corner flailing it's arms.)
ROBOT: Danger! Danger Will Robinson.
(Another robot zooms around the corner.)
ROBOT 2: No, no, no that's all wrong. I'm not really hearing the danger in your voice.
ROBOT: Oh man. I'm never going to get this right. Dr. Rosen's going to have me deactivated for sure this time.
(Hawthorne and Rory sneak past the robots. They find their way to the file room, but the door is being guarded by two nasty looking oversized Aardvarks. Rory and Hawthorne shudder and hide around the corner. One Aardvark looks in their direction with suspicion.)
AARDVARK 1: Say did you here something?
AARDVARK 2: Nah, you're jsut being paranoid. This is just like the time you thought the boogeyman was in your closet.
AARDVARK 1: I saw him there.
AARDVARK 2: You and I know that Dr. Rosen only let's the boogeyman out around Christmas time.
(Hawthorne and Rory exchange a confused look.)
RORY: Grandpa, this place is really weird.
HAWTHORNE: Don't worry. I think I have an idea.
(Hawthorne turns his eyelids inside out and jumps out from around the corner.)
HAWTHORNE: Grrrr! I'm the boogeyman.
AARDVARK 1: Ahhhhh! Mommy, the boogeyman's after me again.
(The one Aardvark runs off screaming. The other Aardvark laughs and holds his hand up for a high five.)
AARDVARK 2: Nice one. Come on don't leave me hanging bro.
(Hawthorne high fives the oversized Aardvark.)
HAWTHORNE: Say, I was wondering if I could get the file on Dr. Kazuya Kogemaru.
AARDVARK 2: Sure thing. Do you want the classified one, or the standard one.
HAWTHORNE: Classified please.
AARDVARK 2: Hold up. I'll go grab it for you.
(The oversized Aardvark goes into the office. Hawthorne looks over at Rory and rory looks puzzled. Hawthorne just shrugs. The oversized Aardvark walks out and hands the file to Hawthorne.)
HAWTHORNE: Uh, thanks. Why are you helping me though?
AARDVARK 2: To be perfectly honest with you, I'm trying to get fired. The health benefits here are awful. Unfortunately a decent Aardvark like me just can't get ahead with the recession going on and everything. If I get fired than I'll get unemployment.
HAWTHORNE: I here ya buddy.
(They both stand there for a minute. Hawthorne is noticeably uncomfortable.)
HAWTHORNE: Well I hate to run, but I've never really talked to an Aardvark before, and I honestly don't know what to say.
AARDVARK 2: If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that.
HAWTHORNE: Right.... well see you later. Good luck with getting fired.
(Hawthorne and Rory runs out of the lair. The exit through the steel door and Hawthorne opens the file.)
HAWTHORNE: Ha! Now who has the upper hand... wait a minute. This isn't Dr. Kogemaru's file. It's Dr. Kevorkian's file. Why that no good Aardvark?
(Hawthorne tries to run back in, but Rory stops him.)
RORY: Don't go back in Grandpa.
HAWTHORNE: Why not?
RORY: There's a psychotic looking Panda Bear with a bazooka guarding the door.
(Hawthorne looks up and sure enough, psychotic looking Panda Bear is guarding the door.)
HAWTHORNE: Weird.
RORY: What are you going to do now?
HAWTHORNE: The same thing I always do my boy. I'm going to whoop that little immigrant back to Hiroshima.
RORY: He's from Yokohama.
HAWTHORNE: I don't care what kind of TV he owns. The point is I'm not gonna let some wussy little science nerd beat me. I'm gonna beat him so bad that he'll end up in a wheel chair talking through a computer like Stephen Hawking. Do you know why?
RORY: No.
HAWTHORNE: Because no one bad mouths the collection of Nascar Memorabilia and gets away with it. Come boy, off to Fever.
(Hawthorne and Rory walk away bound for Saturday Night Fever.)
RORY: When will you just give up your pathetic attempts to turn me into you?
HAWTHORNE: I'm not talking to you. How dare you insult the great Jeff Gordon by calling his sport boring?
RORY: I'm sorry, but I'm just not entertained by watching a bunch of cars drive in a circle and pollute the atmosphere.
(The two walk into their hotel room and Rory turns on the TV to watch the latest SWA promos. The promo of Dr. Kazuya Kogemaru is airing Hawthorne pays it no mind. He looks down at his list)
Ways To Man Up Sissy Boy V. 3.0
Force Him To Drink Malt Liquor
Get Him To Help Fix Up A 1967 Camaro
Take Him To A Nascar Mermorabilia Convention
(Rory laughs at the TV. Hawthorne looks up.)
HAWTHORNE: What's so funny boy?
RORY: This guy you're going to fight on Fever he's great listen to this.
DR. KAZUYA: Easily, I can understand your mistake you make, seeing as I am addressing a bunch of Caucasian trashbags addled by the ravages of malt liqour and centuries of excessive inbreeding, who spend their meager unemployment checks on NASCAR memoribilia and Camaro parts.
I'm surprised you Skoal dipping Neanderthals have even figured out how to form multi-syllable sentences. very impressive indeed.
(Rory laughs again as Hawthorne looks down at his list again.)
Ways To Man Up Sissy Boy V. 3.0
Force Him To Drink Malt Liquor
Get Him To Help Fix Up A 1967 Camaro
Take Him To A Nascar Mermorabilia Convention
Teach Him Skoal Dipping
Teach Him Skoal Dipping
(Hawthorne crumples up the list and throws it in the waste basket.)
HAWTHORNE: What does he know anyways?
RORY: He knows lots. He's quite the successful mad scientist. He's a student of Dr. Amy Rosen. They say he's brilliantly mad.
HAWTHORNE: I know Dr. Rosen.
RORY: Really?
HAWTHORNE: Sure, Rev and Gladiator had her psycho analyze me and declare me sane prior to my return to the ring.
RORY: What did you and her talk about?
HAWTHORNE: I don't really remember. Everything after the anal probe is kind of a blur. I woke up a week later with a bad headache and a strange scar on my inner thigh.
RORY: Well Grandpa, it looks like you're gonna have your hands full this time. He looks like he's gonna be tough to beat.
HAWTHORNE: Balderdash. He's just another one of those immigrant eggheads that steal all of the good working class man's jobs.
RORY: Trust me, if he's a student of Dr. Rosen's he's gonna be tough to beat.
HAWTHORNE: I'm hardly intimidated by a man who's been taught by a lesbian.
RORY: Grandpa, don't be rude.
HAWTHORNE: Fine, if you're so convinced he's tough, then we'll just have to find out his weakness.
RORY: How are we going to do that?
HAWTHORNE: We'll break into Dr. Rosen's lair and steal his file.
RORY: How do you know where Dr. Rosen's lair is?
HAWTHORNE: Trust me boy, you never forget the sight of your first probing.
(Several hours later Hawthorne and Rory approach a large steel door. A computerized voice comes from a speaker.)
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Who goes there?
HAWTHORNE: It's Waylon Hawthorne. I got probed here a few months back.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: What is the password?
HAWTHORNE: Let me in or I'll find a probe of my own and stick it where the sun don't shine. Capisce!
(The door opens.)
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Password accepted.
(Hawthorne and Rory slowly walk into the lair. It is cold and dark a robot comes around the corner flailing it's arms.)
ROBOT: Danger! Danger Will Robinson.
(Another robot zooms around the corner.)
ROBOT 2: No, no, no that's all wrong. I'm not really hearing the danger in your voice.
ROBOT: Oh man. I'm never going to get this right. Dr. Rosen's going to have me deactivated for sure this time.
(Hawthorne and Rory sneak past the robots. They find their way to the file room, but the door is being guarded by two nasty looking oversized Aardvarks. Rory and Hawthorne shudder and hide around the corner. One Aardvark looks in their direction with suspicion.)
AARDVARK 1: Say did you here something?
AARDVARK 2: Nah, you're jsut being paranoid. This is just like the time you thought the boogeyman was in your closet.
AARDVARK 1: I saw him there.
AARDVARK 2: You and I know that Dr. Rosen only let's the boogeyman out around Christmas time.
(Hawthorne and Rory exchange a confused look.)
RORY: Grandpa, this place is really weird.
HAWTHORNE: Don't worry. I think I have an idea.
(Hawthorne turns his eyelids inside out and jumps out from around the corner.)
HAWTHORNE: Grrrr! I'm the boogeyman.
AARDVARK 1: Ahhhhh! Mommy, the boogeyman's after me again.
(The one Aardvark runs off screaming. The other Aardvark laughs and holds his hand up for a high five.)
AARDVARK 2: Nice one. Come on don't leave me hanging bro.
(Hawthorne high fives the oversized Aardvark.)
HAWTHORNE: Say, I was wondering if I could get the file on Dr. Kazuya Kogemaru.
AARDVARK 2: Sure thing. Do you want the classified one, or the standard one.
HAWTHORNE: Classified please.
AARDVARK 2: Hold up. I'll go grab it for you.
(The oversized Aardvark goes into the office. Hawthorne looks over at Rory and rory looks puzzled. Hawthorne just shrugs. The oversized Aardvark walks out and hands the file to Hawthorne.)
HAWTHORNE: Uh, thanks. Why are you helping me though?
AARDVARK 2: To be perfectly honest with you, I'm trying to get fired. The health benefits here are awful. Unfortunately a decent Aardvark like me just can't get ahead with the recession going on and everything. If I get fired than I'll get unemployment.
HAWTHORNE: I here ya buddy.
(They both stand there for a minute. Hawthorne is noticeably uncomfortable.)
HAWTHORNE: Well I hate to run, but I've never really talked to an Aardvark before, and I honestly don't know what to say.
AARDVARK 2: If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that.
HAWTHORNE: Right.... well see you later. Good luck with getting fired.
(Hawthorne and Rory runs out of the lair. The exit through the steel door and Hawthorne opens the file.)
HAWTHORNE: Ha! Now who has the upper hand... wait a minute. This isn't Dr. Kogemaru's file. It's Dr. Kevorkian's file. Why that no good Aardvark?
(Hawthorne tries to run back in, but Rory stops him.)
RORY: Don't go back in Grandpa.
HAWTHORNE: Why not?
RORY: There's a psychotic looking Panda Bear with a bazooka guarding the door.
(Hawthorne looks up and sure enough, psychotic looking Panda Bear is guarding the door.)
HAWTHORNE: Weird.
RORY: What are you going to do now?
HAWTHORNE: The same thing I always do my boy. I'm going to whoop that little immigrant back to Hiroshima.
RORY: He's from Yokohama.
HAWTHORNE: I don't care what kind of TV he owns. The point is I'm not gonna let some wussy little science nerd beat me. I'm gonna beat him so bad that he'll end up in a wheel chair talking through a computer like Stephen Hawking. Do you know why?
RORY: No.
HAWTHORNE: Because no one bad mouths the collection of Nascar Memorabilia and gets away with it. Come boy, off to Fever.
(Hawthorne and Rory walk away bound for Saturday Night Fever.)
