Post by "The Geriatric One" on Aug 23, 2010 21:09:57 GMT -6
(Waylon Hawthorne and his Grandson Rory walk out of a movie theater. Hawthorne is smiling so big you would think he just won the lottery. Rory on the other hand looks disgusted.)
RORY: Nothing but sensless violence and explosions.
HAWTHORNE: Wrong. Nothing but senseless violence, explosions and the greatest cast of manly men ever assembled.
RORY: Well I thought it was pointless. Where was the story, where was the heart, what message was it trying to convey?
HAWTHORNE: It was conveying the message that Sylvester Stallone is one of the greatest human beings to walk the face of the Earth.
RORY: I just don't get it.
HAWTHORNE: Dang it!
(Hawthorne pulls out his list.)
(Hawthorne crosses the last item off the list. He folds it up and places it in his back pocket.)
HAWTHORNE: I just don't get it. You almost seem like a lost cause. The car show was promoting an industry that pollutes the Earth, Guns are the greatest evil of society, and The Expendables is nothing but senseless violence. Perhaps you will never understand anything manly. I'll take the wrap for the jalapeno pepper thing though. 3 days with you in the bathroom producing smells that would make sewer rats puke. Uggghhh, what was I thinking?
RORY: Maybe you should just accept the fact that your prehistoric views of manhood are terribly outdated.
HAWTHORNE: And maybe you outta shut up before you taste the back of my hand.
(Hawthorne sits and ponders his current perdicament.)
HAWTHORNE: The movie was a good slab of testosterone filled cheese, but it was still missing something. It could have been more, but I can't put my finger on it all.
(Rory sits next to the old man.)
RORY: Grandpa, maybe you should focus your energy elsewhere. You have to fight Gabreal Martin in 1 day and you haven't even trained for it yet.
HAWTHORNE: Well dang gummit! I completely forgot about Apocalypse Now. I'm completely unprepared. Gabreal Martin must be ready for me. He has to redeem himself from his embarassing leave of absence due to an ingrown toe nail. I mean seriously what kind of a sissy thing is that to complain about. Owww I broke my toe. What a pansy. You know I once fought with three broken toes, a broken wrist and an eye infection and I never whined about it. The year was 1979. The opponent was the great Verne Gagne. People always said he was great, but I had to carry that clown for 20 minutes. At the end did I get a thank you Waylon for making me look good despite the fact that you were crippled? No! I got a here's your 20 bucks get of my territory and stay out of my rose bushes you pervert.
RORY: Grandpa you're babbling.
HAWTHORNE: So I was... now where was I?
RORY: Gabreal Martin, preperation.
HAWTHORNE: Right! So obviously Gabe is going to be prepared and I've been to busy trying to get you to accept the fact you were born with a penis.
RORY: Ewwww, Grandpa.
HAWTHORNE: Now, if only there was a way to kill to birds with one stone.
(Hawthorne thinks for a moment than springs up with an idea. The spring causes his frail back to crack several times, but he's too excited to notice.)
HAWTHORNE: I'VE GOT IT! I know what The Expendables was missing, and I know what can man you up, and prepare me for my match with Gabreal Martin.
RORY: What?
(The next thing you know, the answer to that question stands before them. Orange hair, orange beard, more wrinkles than a wool suit pulled from a garbage bag. 200 lbs of pure man, he is none other than...)
HAWTHORNE: Chuck Norris, I'm so glad to meet you.
(That's right, the man who donates his blood to NASA to be used as rocket fuel is here. Chuck Norris shakes Hawthorne's hand.)
HAWTHORNE: Chuck, I want you to meet my Grandson Rory.
CHUCK NORRIS: Good to meet you Rory.
(Chuck Norris shakes Rory's hand.)
RORY: Wow, Chuck Norris. I thought you were just a myth like the Loch Ness Monster or something.
CHUCK NORRIS: The Loch Ness Monster's not a myth. He's simply hiding cause he heard Chuck Norris was coming for him.
RORY: Wow, a Chuck Norris fact from Chuck Norris himself.
CHUCK NORRIS: So what seems to be the problem.
HAWTHORNE: Well I have 2 problems and I knew if anyone could help me out it was you. First of all I have to turn this sissy boy into a man, and second of all I need to train for a fight with Gabreal Martin.
CHUCK NORRIS: Gabreal Martin? Is that the little wimp sho complained about an ingrown toe nail.
HAWTHORNE: That's the one.
CHUCK NORRIS: I hate that guy. I'll do whatever you need me to do to help you beatdown that pansy. What about the boy? What's his problem, in grown toe nail?
HAWTHORNE: No his problem is that he is opposed to big cars, guns, the objectifying of women and senseless violence in film and reality. He is opposed to all the things that make a man a man.
CHUCK NORRIS: Now wait just a second. I am too opposed to senseless violence.
(Rory gets a big smile on his face. Hawthorne looks flustered.)
HAWTHORNE: What? Your Chuck Norris. You beat everyone up.
CHUCK NORRIS: It is one thing to defend yourself. I will always retaliate, I will never initiate.
HAWTHORNE: But you just said you wanted me to beatdown Gabreal Martin.
CHUCK NORRIS: Gabreal Martin deserves it. He has gone around beating on whoever he pleases, and humiliating anyone he pleases. He always takes the cowards way out. He attacks people when they least suspect it. He deserves to experience a beating of epic Chuck Norris proportions.
HAWTHORNE: So you are then opposed for violence for the sake of pure entertainment.
CHUCK NORRIS: That's correct.
HAWTHORNE: I can't believe my ears. You're just like the rest of those hippy, commie go-gooders out there.
CHUCK NORRIS: Watch yourself old man.
HAWTHORNE: Who are you calling old man? You're 5 years older than me.
CHUCK NORRIS: Yeah, well I don't have saggy man boobs.
HAWTHORNE: Oh yeah, well the 70's called and they want their Molest-stache back.
CHUCK NORRIS: Did you just say Molest-stache?
HAWTHORNE: That's right Chucky, what are you gonna do about it.
(Norris strikes an intimidating martial arts pose.)
HAWTHORNE: I'm not scared of you. HI-YA!
(Hawthorne attempts a pathetic looking Karate chop, but Norris catches his hand. Norris hits him with 3 quick hits to the face. He then hits him with a hard roundhouse kick. Hawthorne falls hard to the floor. Norris stands over him and smiles.)
CHUCK NORRIS: Chuck Norris doesn't know pain, Pain knows Chuck Norris.
(Chuck Norris walks away to the theme song from Lonesome Dove. Hawthorne rolls on the ground in pain.)
HAWTHORNE: Where's the music coming from?
(Hawthorne looks at Rory who is humming the music.)
HAWTHORNE: Knock it off will ya.
RORY: Sorry, it just seemed appropriate for the moment. So what now, you still aren't ready for Gabreal Martin.
HAWTHORNE: What are you talking about? I just took a beating from Chuck Norris and lived to tell the tale. If I can do that then Gabreal Martin will be a cinch. That little brat is about as powerful as Chuck Norris' eyelash. I took a roundhouse kick from the toughest man alive. A few of Gabe's little girly slaps and hair pulls won't even phase me. When I'm done with him, he's gonna wish he had an in grown toe nail instead of the body cast I'll put him in. Cause I'm gonna get jiggy with it in a geriatric fashion all over that little cowards face. Then I'm gonna take a defibulator and finish the job I started in the retirement home brawl. When it's all said and done "The Geriatric One" will be the one standing in Miami. Rory, help me up, I can't feel my legs.
(Rory helps him up and they head off on their way to Apocalypse Now.)
RORY: Nothing but sensless violence and explosions.
HAWTHORNE: Wrong. Nothing but senseless violence, explosions and the greatest cast of manly men ever assembled.
RORY: Well I thought it was pointless. Where was the story, where was the heart, what message was it trying to convey?
HAWTHORNE: It was conveying the message that Sylvester Stallone is one of the greatest human beings to walk the face of the Earth.
RORY: I just don't get it.
HAWTHORNE: Dang it!
(Hawthorne pulls out his list.)
Ways To Man Up Sissy Boy V. 2.0
Take Him To The Car Show
Make Him Fire An M-16
Force Him To Eat 27 Super Hot Mexican Ultra Loco Jalapeno Peppers
Take Him To See The Expendables
Take Him To See The Expendables
(Hawthorne crosses the last item off the list. He folds it up and places it in his back pocket.)
HAWTHORNE: I just don't get it. You almost seem like a lost cause. The car show was promoting an industry that pollutes the Earth, Guns are the greatest evil of society, and The Expendables is nothing but senseless violence. Perhaps you will never understand anything manly. I'll take the wrap for the jalapeno pepper thing though. 3 days with you in the bathroom producing smells that would make sewer rats puke. Uggghhh, what was I thinking?
RORY: Maybe you should just accept the fact that your prehistoric views of manhood are terribly outdated.
HAWTHORNE: And maybe you outta shut up before you taste the back of my hand.
(Hawthorne sits and ponders his current perdicament.)
HAWTHORNE: The movie was a good slab of testosterone filled cheese, but it was still missing something. It could have been more, but I can't put my finger on it all.
(Rory sits next to the old man.)
RORY: Grandpa, maybe you should focus your energy elsewhere. You have to fight Gabreal Martin in 1 day and you haven't even trained for it yet.
HAWTHORNE: Well dang gummit! I completely forgot about Apocalypse Now. I'm completely unprepared. Gabreal Martin must be ready for me. He has to redeem himself from his embarassing leave of absence due to an ingrown toe nail. I mean seriously what kind of a sissy thing is that to complain about. Owww I broke my toe. What a pansy. You know I once fought with three broken toes, a broken wrist and an eye infection and I never whined about it. The year was 1979. The opponent was the great Verne Gagne. People always said he was great, but I had to carry that clown for 20 minutes. At the end did I get a thank you Waylon for making me look good despite the fact that you were crippled? No! I got a here's your 20 bucks get of my territory and stay out of my rose bushes you pervert.
RORY: Grandpa you're babbling.
HAWTHORNE: So I was... now where was I?
RORY: Gabreal Martin, preperation.
HAWTHORNE: Right! So obviously Gabe is going to be prepared and I've been to busy trying to get you to accept the fact you were born with a penis.
RORY: Ewwww, Grandpa.
HAWTHORNE: Now, if only there was a way to kill to birds with one stone.
(Hawthorne thinks for a moment than springs up with an idea. The spring causes his frail back to crack several times, but he's too excited to notice.)
HAWTHORNE: I'VE GOT IT! I know what The Expendables was missing, and I know what can man you up, and prepare me for my match with Gabreal Martin.
RORY: What?
(The next thing you know, the answer to that question stands before them. Orange hair, orange beard, more wrinkles than a wool suit pulled from a garbage bag. 200 lbs of pure man, he is none other than...)
HAWTHORNE: Chuck Norris, I'm so glad to meet you.
(That's right, the man who donates his blood to NASA to be used as rocket fuel is here. Chuck Norris shakes Hawthorne's hand.)
HAWTHORNE: Chuck, I want you to meet my Grandson Rory.
CHUCK NORRIS: Good to meet you Rory.
(Chuck Norris shakes Rory's hand.)
RORY: Wow, Chuck Norris. I thought you were just a myth like the Loch Ness Monster or something.
CHUCK NORRIS: The Loch Ness Monster's not a myth. He's simply hiding cause he heard Chuck Norris was coming for him.
RORY: Wow, a Chuck Norris fact from Chuck Norris himself.
CHUCK NORRIS: So what seems to be the problem.
HAWTHORNE: Well I have 2 problems and I knew if anyone could help me out it was you. First of all I have to turn this sissy boy into a man, and second of all I need to train for a fight with Gabreal Martin.
CHUCK NORRIS: Gabreal Martin? Is that the little wimp sho complained about an ingrown toe nail.
HAWTHORNE: That's the one.
CHUCK NORRIS: I hate that guy. I'll do whatever you need me to do to help you beatdown that pansy. What about the boy? What's his problem, in grown toe nail?
HAWTHORNE: No his problem is that he is opposed to big cars, guns, the objectifying of women and senseless violence in film and reality. He is opposed to all the things that make a man a man.
CHUCK NORRIS: Now wait just a second. I am too opposed to senseless violence.
(Rory gets a big smile on his face. Hawthorne looks flustered.)
HAWTHORNE: What? Your Chuck Norris. You beat everyone up.
CHUCK NORRIS: It is one thing to defend yourself. I will always retaliate, I will never initiate.
HAWTHORNE: But you just said you wanted me to beatdown Gabreal Martin.
CHUCK NORRIS: Gabreal Martin deserves it. He has gone around beating on whoever he pleases, and humiliating anyone he pleases. He always takes the cowards way out. He attacks people when they least suspect it. He deserves to experience a beating of epic Chuck Norris proportions.
HAWTHORNE: So you are then opposed for violence for the sake of pure entertainment.
CHUCK NORRIS: That's correct.
HAWTHORNE: I can't believe my ears. You're just like the rest of those hippy, commie go-gooders out there.
CHUCK NORRIS: Watch yourself old man.
HAWTHORNE: Who are you calling old man? You're 5 years older than me.
CHUCK NORRIS: Yeah, well I don't have saggy man boobs.
HAWTHORNE: Oh yeah, well the 70's called and they want their Molest-stache back.
CHUCK NORRIS: Did you just say Molest-stache?
HAWTHORNE: That's right Chucky, what are you gonna do about it.
(Norris strikes an intimidating martial arts pose.)
HAWTHORNE: I'm not scared of you. HI-YA!
(Hawthorne attempts a pathetic looking Karate chop, but Norris catches his hand. Norris hits him with 3 quick hits to the face. He then hits him with a hard roundhouse kick. Hawthorne falls hard to the floor. Norris stands over him and smiles.)
CHUCK NORRIS: Chuck Norris doesn't know pain, Pain knows Chuck Norris.
(Chuck Norris walks away to the theme song from Lonesome Dove. Hawthorne rolls on the ground in pain.)
HAWTHORNE: Where's the music coming from?
(Hawthorne looks at Rory who is humming the music.)
HAWTHORNE: Knock it off will ya.
RORY: Sorry, it just seemed appropriate for the moment. So what now, you still aren't ready for Gabreal Martin.
HAWTHORNE: What are you talking about? I just took a beating from Chuck Norris and lived to tell the tale. If I can do that then Gabreal Martin will be a cinch. That little brat is about as powerful as Chuck Norris' eyelash. I took a roundhouse kick from the toughest man alive. A few of Gabe's little girly slaps and hair pulls won't even phase me. When I'm done with him, he's gonna wish he had an in grown toe nail instead of the body cast I'll put him in. Cause I'm gonna get jiggy with it in a geriatric fashion all over that little cowards face. Then I'm gonna take a defibulator and finish the job I started in the retirement home brawl. When it's all said and done "The Geriatric One" will be the one standing in Miami. Rory, help me up, I can't feel my legs.
(Rory helps him up and they head off on their way to Apocalypse Now.)
