WE <3 PSYDRAG (Ch. 2)

[Wearedoomed]

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WE <3 PSYDRAG
~Chapter Two~

Dog Eat Dog
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“The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms.”
- Kurt Vonnequt Jr.

*The handcam is seen showing what appears to be the inside of some shed. The open door leads to some driveway that leads to a road in a suburban-like place with rows of generic-looking houses. The sounds of tools whirling and screeching, accompanied by incoherent death metal ruined any chance of tranquil serenity the area had as then the camera is picked up and spun to show the one and only Psycho Dragon while tools are still going off*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Yo! This be your boy, PsyDrag, representin’ tha’ hood yo!…….Okay, okay, I’m NOT gonna do that the whole time…..But anyway, I’ve been a busy little bee these last couple of weeks---oh, meet my new cohort I found in some dumpster behind Burger King!

*He points the camera at his ally, someone who was dressed in a very similar fashion to him, but with a different design on his clothes. The camera reveals that he is working on some sort of wooden structure*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Hey, Doomy, give a shout-out to our fans!

*Ultimo Doom doesn’t answer, as PsyDrag’s request is drowned out by the loud, colliding noises*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

HEY, I SAID GIVE A SHOUT-OUT!

*Ultimo Doom then hears PsyDrag mumbling something over the music. Without stopping the tool he’s using, he turns his head at PsyDrag*

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

WHAT?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

GIVE A SHOUT-OUT TO OUR PEEPS!

*Ultimo Dragon scratches his head in confusion as he can’t hear what his newfound comrade is saying*

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

WHAT?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

GIVE A SHOUT-OUT!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

WHAT?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

GIVE A SHOUT-OUT!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

WHAT?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

GIVE A SHOUT-OUT!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

WHAT?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

GIVE A SHOUT-OUT!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

WHAT?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

GIVE A SHOUT-OUT!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

*increasingly confused* WHAT?!

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

*increasingly frustrated* GIVE A SHOUT-OUT, YOU DINGUS!!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

………WHAT?!

*Just then, an angry PsyDrag slaps down the camera and marches over to a boom-box that’s blaring the deafeningly-loud metal music before snatching a crowbar from off the concrete floor and wildly smashing said boom-box into pieces, silencing the music. PsyDrag then marches over to Ultimo as he snatches the power-drill from out of his hands and uses the cord to whip the tool onto the concrete, shattering it in the process. He grabs Ultimo by his shirt and nearly throttles him*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

WHAT PART OF “GIVE A SHOUT-OUT” CAN YOUR BRAIN, LIKE, NOT FREAKING GRASP?!?!?!

*Ultimo Doom gulps loudly as he sees PsyDrag getting mad over their lack of communication*

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

…Huh…….What’s a “shout-out”?

*PsyDrag stares at his accomplice in absolute disbelief as the latter innocently asks that question. He lets go and slowly lurches away as he appears to be on the verge of some sort of emotional meltdown as his body is shaking and he’s muttering obscenities under his breath. He sharply turns and points at Ultimo with a trembling finger as if he’s about to say something, but then turns and kicks a huge, red toolbox, sending it’s contents all over the floor before PsyDrag starts hopping on one foot and screaming like a lunatic as he holds the other foot.

While PsyDrag is throwing his little fit, Ultimo shrugs and sits down as he goes to read the latest Deadpool comic. A car can be heard pulling into the driveway and the duo immediately look in the direction of the noise and at each other in shock*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

A client?! Already?!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

See, PsyDrag, I told you spray-painting the words “FREE CANDY” on the side of the van would work!

*PsyDrag limps towards Ultimo and they join hands as they bounce around in celebration*

<^>MASKS FOR HIRE<^>

WE’RE GONNA GET SOME MON-EY! WE’RE GONNA GET SOME MON-EY! WE’RE GONNA GET SOME MON-EY! WE’RE GONNA GET SOME MON-EY! WE’RE GONNA GET SOME ---

<^><^>

What are the festivities about?

*The masked men stop and look at whoever interrupted them. It wasn’t a client at all, but their newfound friend and PsyDrag’s other business partner; the owner and CEO of Multi-Capital Techo-Glomerate Enterprises, the ever eccentric Dante Pekurny, wearing a very flamboyant suit and a beaming smile on his face*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

YO!

*PsyDrag hops (still on one foot, mind you) over to Dante and the two gleefully shake hands*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

So glad you could make it, amigo! Hopefully the directions weren’t too confusing?

<^>DANTE PEKURNY<^>

*laughs* No, no, not at all! Or at least for me, anyway. My driver, on the other hand……*shudders* He couldn’t tell what direction he was at if a compass walked up to him and slapped him in the face! I-- *looks around and sees the wooden structure* What exactly is that thing supposed to be?

*PsyDrag looks over at the structure, which happened to be a shoddily put together, twelve by twelve wooden room frame with a table with various weapons and knick-knacks staked on top of each other, along with a door standing independently from the frame with an “APA” sign that had the words “Masks 4 Hire” spray- painted in an almost blindingly light green*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Oh, that thing? Well, good sir, you are looking at the composite of the sturdiest of plywood, the strongest of tin-foil, and the highest quality duct-tape and super-glue a man with five dollars and fourteen cents can buy! You are looking at the home office of……*points to Ultimo*..Drumroll!

*Ultimo then proceeds to smack his knees whilst doing a “tee-te-te-te-te-te-te-te-te” noise*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

……….MASKS…..FOR HIRE!!

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

TAH-DDDAAAAAA!!

*The two men then proceed goofy, and rehearsed-looking, super-hero poses. PsyDrag then hobbles over to give Dante an impromptu tour of the cheaply-constructed wooden abomination of an office*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

You see, me and my associate here have decided to go into the freelance mercenary business for ourselves…..Yes, good sir, there is such a business and, money-wise, it’s, like, the bestest best secret in America right now! So, we decided that the first thing we needed to do was establish a base of operations for whenever we weren’t on the road! And, as luck would have it, Ron Simmons was having a yard sale just a few blocks down the road---You know, that one guy who was in that one team with that one other guy in that one promotion, like, ten years ago?…….Yeah, ain’t ever heard of him either, but we saw that he was selling this office here and it was a steal!

<^>DANTE PEKURNY<^>

*smiles* As in “it was a bargain“, then?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

*smiles* Nope, as in “We literally stole it when the oaf wasn’t looking”. But, anywho, yeah we have ourselves an office! It’s strong, reliable….

*PsyDrag then knocks on the door with the back of his fist, which starts a small chain-reaction as the door falls backward and crashes into the frame, causing said frame to collapse. Dante’s eyes widen and Ultimo facepalms in horror. PsyDrag slowly turns around and the color drains from his skin as he sees the wreckage. He looks at his elderly friend and chuckles nervously*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

…..Di-Did I mention it was portable, too?….hehehe…..


*static cuts*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Is this the place?

*Psycho Dragon’s voice can be heard as the somewhat shaky handcam on his person zooms in on some sign: A huge blue shield with yellow trim that says “READING COUNTY POLICE DEPARTMENT”. There is some glare on the lens from the sun as the camera zooms back a bit to reveal the building, which looked more like an abandoned school than an actual police building. Dante‘s voice can be heard*

<^>DANTE PEKURNY<^>

It sure is. You said you wanted to train for your match against my stupid embarrassment of a son, and train you shall! I purposely looked for the most corrupt policemen in the state of Georgia and I’m paying these men in doughnuts and pornography to ensure you are whipped into shape!

*The camera shakes a bit as the men walk closer to the door as Ultimo Doom chips in*

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

So……What is it exactly you’ll be doing, PsyDrag?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Let’s just say that I’m going to become the first man in my family to be one with the bee and the dog….

*cuts to static*

*The camera then cuts to show PsyDrag, Ultimo, Dante, several chubby police officers, and several muzzled Rottweilers and Schnauzers in the middle of a training ground behind the police station. PsyDrag is in the middle of the field, facing the other men. PsyDrag has a medium-sized burlap sack at his feet and a megaphone in his hands. He puts the megaphone to his mouth as he begins to speak*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Gentlemen! Today, I am going to do something, like, very ballsy! You see, I’m facing a whiny little nincompoop called Chip Pekurny in a match involving Rottweilers and Schnauzers, and I am not one with either of those species of dogs, nor dogs in general! So, I had my good buddy Dante over here round you guys up because I need to become one with the dog! We know that Chippy isn’t one with the dog, so that’s a start……But nevertheless, I need to train really hard to withstand all of their teeth, fur, and claws, and tendencies to hump legs and pee on everything and whatnot! I will start by improving my speed as I attempt to outrun the mongrels’ you fine police officers have thankfully muzzled up so that don’t attack your friendly neighborhood PsyDrag right away……Though, how you guys even have Schnauzers in your K-9 unit is an amazing coincidence that’s completely beyond me! Now, before I begin my first regimen, are there any questions at all?

*While Ultimo and Dante look around and shake their heads, one of the policeman raises his hand*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

*points at the officer* Squeal, Piggy.

<^>“PIGGY”<^>

Have you signed the waiver yet?

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

What waiver?

<^>“PIGGY”<^>

The one everyone uses to make sure that we aren’t legally responsible for what will inevitably happen to you, sir.

*PsyDrag causally places his hands on his hips*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Excuse me? Then, who would I sue should something, like, go horribly, terribly, catastrophically wrong?! *points to himself* Myself?! Hell to the no, Piggy! Get your fat ass back in line!

* “Piggy” hangs his head and backs up into the line of men. PsyDrag then puts the megaphone down and opens the bag and rummages around until getting a couple decent sized, transparent bags filled with white powder……Yeah, that kind of white powder, as the dogs immediately begin to snarl and growl and pull at the lashes, with their masters barely able to hold them back. He pulls a small pocket-knife out of his pocket (obviously) and cuts open one of the bags as he then pours the contents of said bag all over himself*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

*off-key*….Singin’ in the bathtub……

*The restrained dogs are going berserk as PsyDrag repeats the process with the other bag and proceeds to pat himself down, spreading the white powder all over his body. He then gets a couple long strings of spicy sausages and wraps them around his body before then reaching into the bag and pulling out a belt which was actually made of inactive C-4 and duct-tape, The muzzled dogs are foaming at the mouth at this point as PsyDrag puts the “belt” on. He then gets a couple sticks of dynamite out of the now empty bag and crudely sticks them in his pockets.

PsyDrag then picks the megaphone back up and looks at the horrified police officers*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

You may now unmuzzle the pooches!

*The cops then hesitantly take the muzzles off of their dogs, who then begin to bark wildly as their fur stands up like needles*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

Now……I’m going to drop this megaphone and start running away in a random direction. When you guys count to five, release the hellhounds, got it? And, NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR DO THAT INDICATES OTHERWISE, do NOT stop them!……..Kay…….GO!

*He drops the megaphone and turns around as he sprints off with the speed of a jet-propelled cheetah. The cops wait five seconds and unleash the dogs, who storm after the masked madman. In just a matter of seconds, the Rottweilers and the Schnauzers pounce on PsyDrag and take him down. PsyDrag is screaming like a woman during childbirth as the possessed dogs claw and bite at him as they mercilessly thrash him around like a rag-doll.. The witnesses begin to snicker a little as the now bloodied and torn PsyDrag tries to fight his way out of the furry mob*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

*bewildered* WHAT THE HOLY TENCHOCOLORED HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING AT---AAAHAHAHHAHAHHHHAAAA!!

*One of the Rottwielers has it’s jaws clamped onto PsyDrag’s leg. He manages to kick the animal off, costing him his pants and a boot in the process as he runs towards the nearest tree and scales it like a cat. The men are completely laughing at this point as PsyDrag is frantically kicking away at the dogs. He stares daggers to the other men and proceeds to shake his fist like an old man*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

DON’T JUST STAND THERE GIGGLING LIKE SCHOOLGIRLS!! CALL OFF THE DAMN HOUNDS!! CALL THEM OF--

*Another Rottwieler gets his foot and yanks him down hard, using PsyDrag to get crouched on a particularly think branch. PsyDrag squeals in pain as the branch breaks under his weight and sends him plummeting into the welcoming jaws of the police dogs*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

NNNNnnnNNNNnNNNOOO!!

*PsyDrag desperately crawls away from the bloodthirsty canines as he tries to run to the back entrance of the police station*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

*in tears* I--wana---I WANT MY MMOOOMMMMMYYY!!

*Just then , one of the Schnauzers jumps up and latches onto PsyDrag’s throat like a leech*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

AA--HHAAKKK!!

*The other men are rolling around in tears as PsyDrag tries to pry the little dog off……Only for the dogs to gore him and continue to thrash him around for a few more moments until a Rottwieler yanks him up with his powerful jaws by the necks and jackknifes the poor man several times until PsyDrag becomes deathly quiet. The dogs sniff at the unresponsive man for a few seconds before one of the Schnauzers lifts it’s leg up and marks it’s territory on the back of PsyDrag’s mask*

*cuts to static*

*The camera cuts to show the annihilated PsyDrag as he is wrapped up in bandages like a mummy and has on a neck-brace. As it turns out, he is in a hospital bed. The man holding the camera, Ultimo, proceeds to speak to him*

<^>ULTIMO DOOM<^>

Well…..Looks like that your little plan fell through, huh? Listen, bud, I know you’re probably filled to the nostrils on painkillers and morphine, but just for the fans, is there any last words who want to say to your opponent at Apocalypse Now?

*PsyDrag faintly tilts his head to look at the camera…..Then proceeds to weakly lift his right arm up……And gives the camera the finger*

<^>PSYCHO DRAGON<^>

….Here’s……..Psychy…….

*cuts to static*

~FIN~