Post by CHIP PEKURNY! on Aug 22, 2010 22:55:10 GMT -6
**A man places his key into a deadbolt lock and turns counter clockwise. The door unlocks and he walks into the foyer. The man is Henry Warmbrod. He places his briefcase on the floor and looks around the main level.**
HENRY: Honey, I'm home.
**There's a thump from upstairs. Henry looks suspicious as he slowly climbs the stairs to the second level. A few more thumps. Henry Warmbrod reaches the top of the stairs and opens the door to the master bedroom. He throws open the door and finds his wife, Dr. Mary Warmbrod, slipping on her bathrobe on the other side of the room.**
DR. WARMBROD: What are you doing home so soon?
HENRY: It's 5:00. I'm always home at this time. What are you doing in that robe?
DR. WARMBROD: Uh.... I was cold.
**Henry nods at this.**
HENRY: Probably because you left the window open. Let me just close that for you.
DR. WARMBROD: No!
**Dr. Mary Warmbrod steps in between her husband and the window, thus preventing him from seeing her patient, CHIP PEKURNY, hanging from the windowsill outside.**
DR. WARMBROD: Let me get that for you.
**Dr. Warmbrod walks to the window. She looks down at Chip hanging from his fingertips. She mouths the words "get down" which he mouths back the response of "are you crazy" which she mouths the response back "get down or he'll see you, "which he begins to mouth a response to before his ring tone of "Money" by Pink Floyd goes off. Chip instinctively reaches into his pocket and picks up his cell phone. He answers audibly
CHIP: Hello?
And loses his grip, thus falling from the second floor window into the bushes below. Henry Warmbrod hears this.
HENRY: What was that?
DR. WARMBROD: Uh..... I think the neighbours dogs are in the bushes again.
HENRY: It sounded like someone answering a call.
**Henry starts to head back down the stairs. He runs straight to the front door and opens it up. Crawling out of the bushes and onto the doorstep is Chip, picking thorns out of his flesh while arguing with someone on the phone.**
CHIP: Just stop him before he signs anything...... You heard me....... I'll handle it.....
HENRY: Chip, what are you doing in my bushes?
**Chip notices Henry Warmbrod at the door and goes pale. He hangs up the phone.**
CHIP: Hi there.
HENRY: Hi.
CHIP: Good to see you.
HENRY: What are you doing in the bushes?
CHIP: I'm here for my 5:00 appointment with the good doctor.
HENRY: In the bushes?
**Dr. Mary Warmbrod is now down the stairs and on the front porch.**
DR. WARMBROD: Chip. Thank you for chasing the neighbours dogs out of the bushes for us.
**Chip Pekurny looks confused, but he plays along as he sees Dr. Warmbrod nodding to him.**
CHIP: My pleasure.
DR. WAMRBROD: Chip here is training for a very important match against a pack of rottweilers. Which reminds me we need to go do your pre-fight physical. Come on.
**Dr. Warmbrod grabs CHIP PEKURNY and starts walking to her car.**
HENRY: You going in your bathrobe?
**Dr. Warmbrod spins right around and heads upstairs to change.. Her husband Henry looks at Chip with a smile.**
HENRY: Don't worry. She's more well organized than it seems. You're in good hands.
CHIP: You know it!
**Chip gives a thumbs up and turns around. He calls someone back on his cell.**
CHIP: It's Chip. Just make sure he doesn't sign anything until I get there.
**Toby Pekurny, the teenage adopted brother of Chip, is sitting in front of his own personal 42 inch TV. He's watching CNBC's Mad Money with his eyes glued to the screen. CHIP PEKURNY bursts through the door.**
CHIP: Where is he?
TOBY: He's gone.
CHIP: What? I told you not to let him leave the house. Do you realize what you've done?
TOBY: It's not a big deal.
CHIP: Not a big deal? Dad is bringing in a new apprentice with a guaranteed contract to become senior vice president in charge of eastern operations of Multi-Capital-Techno-Glomerate-Enterprises, and that apprentince with a guaranteed contract to become vice president in charge of eastern operations of Multi-Capital-Techno-Glomerate-Enterprises is not ME, his one and only son.... no offense Toby..... but his one and only blood related son? That's not a big deal? Was that stock market crash of 1929 not a big deal? This is a big deal of most epic proportions. The world as we know it may stop, take in a deep gasp for air, and let out a collective "NOOOO! Don't do it Dante Pekurny! You're going to ruin the future of your company and end any and all dreams of your one and only blood related son!" That's the kind of disaster and "big deal" you just let happen, all because you couldn't hold him here for 15 minutes until I could talk him out of it. Do you realize the disaster you have just contributed to? I'll tell you. A disaster that will shock the world from it's foundation.
TOBY: Nuh uh.... A disaster that would rock the earth from it's foundation is that Petrox Mobil Corp just dropped 9% on the NYSE.
CHIP: Shut up you liar.
TOBY: No word of a lie.
CHIP: Aw this is officially the worst week of my life. A dead dog, my father signing an executive position away to some unknown schmo, and $71,000 down the drain, thank you very much Petrox.
TOBY: Never would have happened if you listened to me.
CHIP: What do you know, you're just a kid.
TOBY: A kid who tried to warn you against investing in energy stocks amidst rising fears of a double dip recession. It's bonehead moves like that that made Dad want to give that executive apprenticeship away to some stranger instead of a mule fart like you.
CHIP: Who you calling a mule fart you aardvark anus.
TOBY: Whatever. Next time have the balls to invest in Biotechnology instead of energy stocks, vomit breath.
**Chip raises a fist to his teenager brother. Dr. Mary Warmbrod steps in between them.**
DR. WARMBROD:: Children, please. We still need to find your father.
CHIP: We'll settle this later.
**Toby brushes off his brother and returns to the TV.**
**Several minutes and a limo ride across town later, CHIP PEKURNY and Dr. Mary Warmbrod have entered the offices of Dante Pekurny, the father of Chip and Owner/CEO of Multi-Capital-Techno-Glomerate-Enterprises. Chip walks right past his secretary and kicks the office door open. Dante Pekurny is packing his briefcase.**
CHIP: What are you doing you crazy old man?
DANTE: I didn't hear you knock.
CHIP: Did you give away an apprenticeship position to someone for that Executive Vice President position I've been eyeballing?
DANTE: Sure did.
CHIP: And it's not for me?
DANTE: Sure isn't.
CHIP: But I'm your only blood related son. I had a 4.0 grade average. I'm well dressed, well groomed and fully qualified for the position. How come you can't give me that apprenticeship?
DANTE: You wanna know why? I'll tell you why. You're an embarrassment to this family and an embarrassment to all red blooded males in this nation. I'm pretty sure if we polled 100 people they'd vote you as the #1 choice of embarrassments to the human race as well.
CHIP: Is this about that game of Croquet again? I told you my wrist just goes limp every once and a while. Not to mention those Girl Guides were a bunch of cheaters.
DANTE: This isn't about that. You cried. You cried on national TV. And not over an audit, rising interest rates or something valid like that. A dead dog? You blubbered like a little baby. You're lucky I didn't cut you out of my will after a stunt like that. I'm surprised you can even show your face in public.
CHIP: Trousers the Schnauzers was my only true friend, and he was taken from me by a murderous maniac.
DANTE: Schnauzers are no good for anything other than as meat replacement in third world countries. Which as I always said, there was a strong market for canned goods like that, but nobody ever listens to me. Take a few testosterone tablets and call me when you're a man again. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go cliff jumping with my new apprentice.
CHIP: Who did you give it to, by the way?
DANTE: You'd love him. He's a wonderful guy. Goes by the name of Cyber Dragon.
**Chip's eyes grow wide and he snarls like a beast.**
CHIP: You don't happen to mean Psycho Dragon, do you?
DANTE: That's him. Great guy. He just walked into the office one day, poured a container of jello on the tiles and created a killer slip and slide. Never had so much fun in my life. You can learn a lot from a wild man like that.
**Chip stomps his feet like a spoiled brat.**
CHIP: He's the murderous maniac who killed my Trousers the Schnauzers! You hired my arch nemesis as your apprentice for the position that should be mine by birthright. How could you do that to me? Psycho Dragon of all people. He ran over my beloved dog in cold blood. He's a clutzy psychopath of a spaz with little to no common sense, manners or personal tact. Not to mention he's a financial imbecile who thinks a mutual fund is a communal piggy bank. I hate him. I hate him like I hate my tax dollars being wasted on do gooder organized charity like Oxfam. I hate him like I hate cheaters in Croquet. I hate like Mel Gibson hates the Jews. I hate him for taking my dog away from me. I hate him for stealing my rightfully earned position in this company. I hate him for stealing the love of my father.
DANTE: Sorry, I stopped caring about your feelings years ago. Yikes, look at the time. A cliff jumping I must go. By the way, you can say what you want about Cyber Dragon...
CHIP: Psycho.
DANTE: Him to. Say what you want about him. But he never, and I mean NEVER pulled such a bonehead move as investing in energy stocks over Biotechnology. You can call yourself my son again when you grow a brain you bloated mule fart.
**Dante Pekurny leaves the office whistling "A cliff jumping we will go, a cliff jumping we will go... Hi-Ho etc, etc. His son, CHIP PEKURNY curls up in the fetal position at Dr. Mary Warmbrod's feet.**
DR. WARMBROD: Don't worry, Chip. Everything will be all right.
CHIP: When a father treats a son with so much cruelty, is it any wonder he mourns the loss of his pet schnauzer like a death in the family? Why do the good Schnauzers all die so young? Psycho Dragon has in 2 weeks taken everything away from me. My promotion, my father, and my dog. That masked imbecile is going to get what's coming to him. I'm going to beat him so bad his mask will be blood stained red, then I'll feed him to those hungry Rottweilers one piece at a time. All I asked him to do was bow a knee and beg for my forgiveness, and all he could say was Oops. He's mocked the camaraderie between a man and man's best friend. Even after I beat him at Apocalypse Now it won't be over. I won't stop until I find what's dearest to him and run it over in cold blood the way he ran over Trousers. I'll have Psycho Dragon beaten, fed to hungry Rottweilers, and stripped of all his pride and dignity. I will have my revenge. Oh yes. I will have my revenge.
**Chip lets out another cry at Dr. Warmbrod's feet.**
HENRY: Honey, I'm home.
**There's a thump from upstairs. Henry looks suspicious as he slowly climbs the stairs to the second level. A few more thumps. Henry Warmbrod reaches the top of the stairs and opens the door to the master bedroom. He throws open the door and finds his wife, Dr. Mary Warmbrod, slipping on her bathrobe on the other side of the room.**
DR. WARMBROD: What are you doing home so soon?
HENRY: It's 5:00. I'm always home at this time. What are you doing in that robe?
DR. WARMBROD: Uh.... I was cold.
**Henry nods at this.**
HENRY: Probably because you left the window open. Let me just close that for you.
DR. WARMBROD: No!
**Dr. Mary Warmbrod steps in between her husband and the window, thus preventing him from seeing her patient, CHIP PEKURNY, hanging from the windowsill outside.**
DR. WARMBROD: Let me get that for you.
**Dr. Warmbrod walks to the window. She looks down at Chip hanging from his fingertips. She mouths the words "get down" which he mouths back the response of "are you crazy" which she mouths the response back "get down or he'll see you, "which he begins to mouth a response to before his ring tone of "Money" by Pink Floyd goes off. Chip instinctively reaches into his pocket and picks up his cell phone. He answers audibly
CHIP: Hello?
And loses his grip, thus falling from the second floor window into the bushes below. Henry Warmbrod hears this.
HENRY: What was that?
DR. WARMBROD: Uh..... I think the neighbours dogs are in the bushes again.
HENRY: It sounded like someone answering a call.
**Henry starts to head back down the stairs. He runs straight to the front door and opens it up. Crawling out of the bushes and onto the doorstep is Chip, picking thorns out of his flesh while arguing with someone on the phone.**
CHIP: Just stop him before he signs anything...... You heard me....... I'll handle it.....
HENRY: Chip, what are you doing in my bushes?
**Chip notices Henry Warmbrod at the door and goes pale. He hangs up the phone.**
CHIP: Hi there.
HENRY: Hi.
CHIP: Good to see you.
HENRY: What are you doing in the bushes?
CHIP: I'm here for my 5:00 appointment with the good doctor.
HENRY: In the bushes?
**Dr. Mary Warmbrod is now down the stairs and on the front porch.**
DR. WARMBROD: Chip. Thank you for chasing the neighbours dogs out of the bushes for us.
**Chip Pekurny looks confused, but he plays along as he sees Dr. Warmbrod nodding to him.**
CHIP: My pleasure.
DR. WAMRBROD: Chip here is training for a very important match against a pack of rottweilers. Which reminds me we need to go do your pre-fight physical. Come on.
**Dr. Warmbrod grabs CHIP PEKURNY and starts walking to her car.**
HENRY: You going in your bathrobe?
**Dr. Warmbrod spins right around and heads upstairs to change.. Her husband Henry looks at Chip with a smile.**
HENRY: Don't worry. She's more well organized than it seems. You're in good hands.
CHIP: You know it!
**Chip gives a thumbs up and turns around. He calls someone back on his cell.**
CHIP: It's Chip. Just make sure he doesn't sign anything until I get there.
**Toby Pekurny, the teenage adopted brother of Chip, is sitting in front of his own personal 42 inch TV. He's watching CNBC's Mad Money with his eyes glued to the screen. CHIP PEKURNY bursts through the door.**
CHIP: Where is he?
TOBY: He's gone.
CHIP: What? I told you not to let him leave the house. Do you realize what you've done?
TOBY: It's not a big deal.
CHIP: Not a big deal? Dad is bringing in a new apprentice with a guaranteed contract to become senior vice president in charge of eastern operations of Multi-Capital-Techno-Glomerate-Enterprises, and that apprentince with a guaranteed contract to become vice president in charge of eastern operations of Multi-Capital-Techno-Glomerate-Enterprises is not ME, his one and only son.... no offense Toby..... but his one and only blood related son? That's not a big deal? Was that stock market crash of 1929 not a big deal? This is a big deal of most epic proportions. The world as we know it may stop, take in a deep gasp for air, and let out a collective "NOOOO! Don't do it Dante Pekurny! You're going to ruin the future of your company and end any and all dreams of your one and only blood related son!" That's the kind of disaster and "big deal" you just let happen, all because you couldn't hold him here for 15 minutes until I could talk him out of it. Do you realize the disaster you have just contributed to? I'll tell you. A disaster that will shock the world from it's foundation.
TOBY: Nuh uh.... A disaster that would rock the earth from it's foundation is that Petrox Mobil Corp just dropped 9% on the NYSE.
CHIP: Shut up you liar.
TOBY: No word of a lie.
CHIP: Aw this is officially the worst week of my life. A dead dog, my father signing an executive position away to some unknown schmo, and $71,000 down the drain, thank you very much Petrox.
TOBY: Never would have happened if you listened to me.
CHIP: What do you know, you're just a kid.
TOBY: A kid who tried to warn you against investing in energy stocks amidst rising fears of a double dip recession. It's bonehead moves like that that made Dad want to give that executive apprenticeship away to some stranger instead of a mule fart like you.
CHIP: Who you calling a mule fart you aardvark anus.
TOBY: Whatever. Next time have the balls to invest in Biotechnology instead of energy stocks, vomit breath.
**Chip raises a fist to his teenager brother. Dr. Mary Warmbrod steps in between them.**
DR. WARMBROD:: Children, please. We still need to find your father.
CHIP: We'll settle this later.
**Toby brushes off his brother and returns to the TV.**
**Several minutes and a limo ride across town later, CHIP PEKURNY and Dr. Mary Warmbrod have entered the offices of Dante Pekurny, the father of Chip and Owner/CEO of Multi-Capital-Techno-Glomerate-Enterprises. Chip walks right past his secretary and kicks the office door open. Dante Pekurny is packing his briefcase.**
CHIP: What are you doing you crazy old man?
DANTE: I didn't hear you knock.
CHIP: Did you give away an apprenticeship position to someone for that Executive Vice President position I've been eyeballing?
DANTE: Sure did.
CHIP: And it's not for me?
DANTE: Sure isn't.
CHIP: But I'm your only blood related son. I had a 4.0 grade average. I'm well dressed, well groomed and fully qualified for the position. How come you can't give me that apprenticeship?
DANTE: You wanna know why? I'll tell you why. You're an embarrassment to this family and an embarrassment to all red blooded males in this nation. I'm pretty sure if we polled 100 people they'd vote you as the #1 choice of embarrassments to the human race as well.
CHIP: Is this about that game of Croquet again? I told you my wrist just goes limp every once and a while. Not to mention those Girl Guides were a bunch of cheaters.
DANTE: This isn't about that. You cried. You cried on national TV. And not over an audit, rising interest rates or something valid like that. A dead dog? You blubbered like a little baby. You're lucky I didn't cut you out of my will after a stunt like that. I'm surprised you can even show your face in public.
CHIP: Trousers the Schnauzers was my only true friend, and he was taken from me by a murderous maniac.
DANTE: Schnauzers are no good for anything other than as meat replacement in third world countries. Which as I always said, there was a strong market for canned goods like that, but nobody ever listens to me. Take a few testosterone tablets and call me when you're a man again. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go cliff jumping with my new apprentice.
CHIP: Who did you give it to, by the way?
DANTE: You'd love him. He's a wonderful guy. Goes by the name of Cyber Dragon.
**Chip's eyes grow wide and he snarls like a beast.**
CHIP: You don't happen to mean Psycho Dragon, do you?
DANTE: That's him. Great guy. He just walked into the office one day, poured a container of jello on the tiles and created a killer slip and slide. Never had so much fun in my life. You can learn a lot from a wild man like that.
**Chip stomps his feet like a spoiled brat.**
CHIP: He's the murderous maniac who killed my Trousers the Schnauzers! You hired my arch nemesis as your apprentice for the position that should be mine by birthright. How could you do that to me? Psycho Dragon of all people. He ran over my beloved dog in cold blood. He's a clutzy psychopath of a spaz with little to no common sense, manners or personal tact. Not to mention he's a financial imbecile who thinks a mutual fund is a communal piggy bank. I hate him. I hate him like I hate my tax dollars being wasted on do gooder organized charity like Oxfam. I hate him like I hate cheaters in Croquet. I hate like Mel Gibson hates the Jews. I hate him for taking my dog away from me. I hate him for stealing my rightfully earned position in this company. I hate him for stealing the love of my father.
DANTE: Sorry, I stopped caring about your feelings years ago. Yikes, look at the time. A cliff jumping I must go. By the way, you can say what you want about Cyber Dragon...
CHIP: Psycho.
DANTE: Him to. Say what you want about him. But he never, and I mean NEVER pulled such a bonehead move as investing in energy stocks over Biotechnology. You can call yourself my son again when you grow a brain you bloated mule fart.
**Dante Pekurny leaves the office whistling "A cliff jumping we will go, a cliff jumping we will go... Hi-Ho etc, etc. His son, CHIP PEKURNY curls up in the fetal position at Dr. Mary Warmbrod's feet.**
DR. WARMBROD: Don't worry, Chip. Everything will be all right.
CHIP: When a father treats a son with so much cruelty, is it any wonder he mourns the loss of his pet schnauzer like a death in the family? Why do the good Schnauzers all die so young? Psycho Dragon has in 2 weeks taken everything away from me. My promotion, my father, and my dog. That masked imbecile is going to get what's coming to him. I'm going to beat him so bad his mask will be blood stained red, then I'll feed him to those hungry Rottweilers one piece at a time. All I asked him to do was bow a knee and beg for my forgiveness, and all he could say was Oops. He's mocked the camaraderie between a man and man's best friend. Even after I beat him at Apocalypse Now it won't be over. I won't stop until I find what's dearest to him and run it over in cold blood the way he ran over Trousers. I'll have Psycho Dragon beaten, fed to hungry Rottweilers, and stripped of all his pride and dignity. I will have my revenge. Oh yes. I will have my revenge.
**Chip lets out another cry at Dr. Warmbrod's feet.**