Apocalyspe Now: Official Card

[Sedition: The Rev]

BREAKING NEWS
August 13th, 2010

We are now 10 days away from SWA's latest Pay Per View event. Today we had confirmation of the final card for APOCALYPSE NOW 2010, which will be held in front of a sold out crowd in Miami, Florida.

Here is the official card, and a few words from the participants.

_______________

SWA CHAMPIONSHIP
BEST TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS
(1st- Traditional Rules, 2nd- Extreme Rules, 3rd- Falls Count Anywhere)

IAN DE TORNADO
-vs-
LARSEN VAN DER KAMP

(The war between Ian DeTornado and Larsen Van Der Kamp has been brewing ever since the last Pay Per View, the Spring Breakdown: Open Tournament. In that tournament,Van Der Kamp and Tornado met in the finals with Gabreal Martin, and Tornado came out victorious as the new SWA Champion. Since then they have faced several times, with Van Der Kamp claiming victories in a non-title match and a tag team match, but never with the belt on the line. Last week on Fever the friendly rivalry turned brutal when while blindfolded, Van Der Kamp mistakenly thought Tornado attacked him. Van Der Kamp retaliated, not knowing it was Gabreal Martin who interfered.

Van Der Kamp had this to say when asked about his assault on the champ.

VAN DER KAMP: “People have asked me if I regret my attack on Ian DeTornado. They have asked me if I will issue an apology. The answer is simply, NO! Ian DeTornado had no business getting involved in my match in the first place. If Gabreal Martin was going to attack me, than so be it. I never asked Tornado to come to my rescue. He had no business being in that ring, and he got what was coming to him.

Tornado had a few words for the challenger as well.

TORNADO: “Putang Ina man! Yesterday he was just an amnesiac... But now he looks like just a fool brat to me.... and attacking me with that chair was the biggest mistake of his life... So on Apocalypse Now!? the fool will pay! "

Tornado challenged Van Der Kamp to a Best 2 out of 3 Falls, which Van Der Kamp accepted.

VAN DER KAMP: “As for his 2 out of 3 Falls Challenge, I wholeheartedly accept. You see Tornado may have what it takes to beat me once, but I don't believe he has the heart to pull of two victories over me in one night. By the end of the night we will have a new SWA Champion.”

For this, what could be their final meeting, with everything on the line, Tornado and Van Der Kamp will have to pull out all the stops, as the rules will change with each fall.)

_____________

EXTREME COMBAT CHAMPIONSHIP
BRAWL ON A SINKING CRUISE SHIP

CAPTAIN INSANITY
-VS-
TEEN THROB

(Teen Throb and Captain Insanity have been around SWA since nearly the beginning of the company, and it wasn't until this past February that the bitter feud between the two of them began. In a violent encounter, Teen Throb narrowly defeated Insanity. As the attacks and animosity built between them, they were scheduled to meet again recently, but after a sneak attack that sidelined Insanity, the match would be postponed. Both claim themselves to be the Extreme Combat icon of SWA. Captain Insanity has already held the Extreme Combat Title a record 3 times, and Teen Throb has won some of the most out of control hardcore matches in SWA history. The former champ, Captain Insanity, found his old title in a pawn shop months ago, and since then has proclaimed himself to be the one and only champion.

We recently asked Insanity about why he feels so compelled to fight for this forgotten title.

CAPTAIN INSANITY: “The reasons are simple, I made this title what is it, set the standard for what it takes to be EC Champion and I won't let that history fade into the darkness. The SWA is built on the foundation of Extreme Combat and the title needs to be restored to it's former glory.”

The only thing that stands in his way of reclaiming his title for good is Teen Throb, a man who already holds a victory over Insanity, and wants nothing more than to take the title for himself. We asked Teen Throb why he's so determined to take this title.

TEEN THROB: “Holding the Extreme Combat title isn't just like any random title. It means you're the toughest and probably most clinically insane man in this sport. I'd wear that like a badge of honor.”

In Extreme Combat tradition, this epic match will be held under the strangest and most dangerous circumstances, a Brawl on a Sinking Cruise Ship. We asked both men what their opinions are on the unique match stipulation.

TEEN THROB: “I'm fighting on a sinking cruise ship? At least it's my wrestling career that's going down like a sinking ship and not my music career. Get it?”

CAPTAIN INSANITY: “I've been in some of The SWA's most sadistic and outrageous matches and I wouldn't expect any less for this PPV. 'Brawl on a Sinking Cruise' couldn't be a more fitting stipulation. Sink or swim, leave a champion or a drowned rat.”

_____________

ANYTHING GOES

GABREAL MARTIN
-vs-
WAYLON HAWTHORNE

(Gabreal Martin is the self proclaimed Chosen One of SWA. When he failed to defeat Tornado in the Spring Breakdown finals, Gabreal Martin turned all of his focus on becoming #1 contender. When he failed to beat Van Der Kamp for the #1 contender spot, Gabreal Martin spent weeks out of commission with what many view as lame excuses to dodge challenges. From previously booked appearances to in grown toe nails, Gabreal Martin had an excuse for every week. The Chosen One was recently called out by SWA staff member Michael Saint. Gabreal claimed that he could beat anyone in SWA, and that he'd issue an open challenge to anyone in SWA to prove that. It didn't take long for someone to answer that challenge. When Gabreal tried to stick his nose in the middle of Tornado and Van Der Kamp, “Geriatric Waylon Hawthorne came to save the day and accept his challenge.

HAWTHORNE: “I can't just sit back and watch that little Sedition brat prance around doing whatever he pleases. He doesn't show up to work half the time, and when he does all he accomplishes is causing trouble. That little punk needs some old school common sense knocked into him. It's time to take him off his pedestal.”

The two previously met on Fever in the memorable “Retirement Home Brawl” which ended in a no contest. What lessons has the over the hill Hawthorne learnt that will help him win this time?

HAWTHORNE: “Last time we faced off in the Retirement Home Brawl and had no decisive winner. The match was basically a stalemate. My personal troubles cost me the match. This time I will be 100% focused on the task at hand. I'm gonna give that brat a lickin' that will keep on tickin' till he's old and gray... kind of like me.”

Now that this return match is officially set, both are anxious to take the victory they were unable to secure the first time around. When contacted to make a comment, Gabreal Martin's management informed us he was unavailable due to a sore throat.)

_____________

ROTTWEILER/SCHNAUZER LUMBERJACK MATCH

PSYCHO DRAGON
-vs-
CHIP PEKURNY

(The oddest feud of the moment brings the oddest match of the night. Two of SWA's newcomers recently had a major run-in on Fever. The strange rookie, Psycho Dragon, had been recording a promo earlier in the week when he accidentally ran over a dog. On last week's Fever, we discovered that dead dog was actually the beloved pet Schnauzer of financial adviser CHIP PEKURNY. Chip stormed out after Psycho Dragon's match and demanded an apology. Psycho Dragon refused and Chip Pekurny attacked him. To end this matter fairly, SWA bosses have sanctioned this match as the first ever Lumberjack match to feature Rottweilers.... and Schnauzers.

We asked Psycho Dragon to comment on this bizarre match.

PSYCHO DRAGON: “So, lemme get this straight, I’m facing the Richie Rich knock-off in a match where DOGS are the lumberjacks? Over me accidentally running over some flea-bitten mongrel with a Fu Man Chu - thing going on? Seriously?! I just don’t see the logic behind it, I honestly don’t! If I had ran over Trousers the Ferret or Trousers the Dachshund, I’d understand! But seriously, like, NOBODY likes Schnauzers! They are the Carlos Mencia of the canine world! If I was a Schnauzers, I’d freaking jump into the way of an oncoming car too! You know, if I wasn’t already wanted in seven different states, I’d run his ass over too so he and Trousers can take dirt-naps together! But, you know what? If Chip-n-dale wants to stay the course he’s on, I’m going to make sure that it’s one hell of a bumpy ride!”

When asked to comment on his feud with Psycho Dragon, CHIP PEKURNY simply responded with...

CHIP: “Why do the good dogs always die so young? Why oh why? Rest in peace, little Trousers the Schnauzers. I will avenge you.”

_____________

REGULAR MATCH

DUKE WALLACE
-vs-
DANNY O'CALLAHAN

(Another return match opens up Apocalypse Now 2010, as “The Supremacist” Duke Wallace takes on Danny “Fighting Irish” O'Callahan for the second time. The last time they fought was in the Ottawa Street Fight, where Duke Wallace narrowly squeezed out a victory. Since then Duke has been on a losing streak, and O'Callahan has been improving week after week.

So what has Danny O'Callahan has learned since he last faced The Supremacist in Ottawa?

O'CALLAHAN: Duke Wallace is nothin' but an arrogant wannabe. Last time he beat me cause my head wasn't in the game. This time things will be different. I'm sick of sittin' at the bottom of the card. I am out to prove that I'm a worthy contender. I ain't gonna let Duke Wallace stand in my way. I'm gonna beat him, and go straight to the top, Boston Style!”

Duke Wallace seemed equally frustrated with his spot near the bottom of the card.

DUKE: The only reason I'm going into Apocalypse Now in this match with O'Callahan is because SWA higher powers refuse to give the hardest working man in this business a break. That pale drunken Irishman will take an even bigger beating the second time around. Unless as usual I'm the victim of the usual bias in favour of these scummy immigrants.”

Both Duke and O'Callahan are anxious to settle the score in this return match, and move up in the rankings towards a main event spot.)


Apocalypse Now will be held Monday August 23rd, live from Miami, Florida, only available on Pay Per View..... until 3 hours later where you can torrent it for free..... but we want your money so buy the PPV.... twice. Then torrent to your hearts content.