Post by Sedition: The Rev on Jul 25, 2010 23:27:51 GMT -6
- Captain Insanity stands outside The Sedition's office, reading the posted card for tonight's show. Insanity looks confused and pissed -
------------------------------
MAIN EVENT
NON-TITLE MATCH
IAN DE TORNADO
-vs-
TEEN THROB
EXTREME COMBAT RULES
LARSEN VAN DER KAMP
-VS-
CAPTAIN INSANITY
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
PSYCHO DRAGON
-vs-
DANNY O'CALLAHAN
-vs-
WAYLON HAWTHORNE
EXTREME COMBAT QUALIFYING MATCH
CHIP PEKURNY
-vs-
VIRGIL
------------------------------
MAIN EVENT
NON-TITLE MATCH
IAN DE TORNADO
-vs-
TEEN THROB
EXTREME COMBAT RULES
LARSEN VAN DER KAMP
-VS-
CAPTAIN INSANITY
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
PSYCHO DRAGON
-vs-
DANNY O'CALLAHAN
-vs-
WAYLON HAWTHORNE
EXTREME COMBAT QUALIFYING MATCH
CHIP PEKURNY
-vs-
VIRGIL
------------------------------
CI stares at the opening match again. He catches Skippy Mohophosite walking down the corridor. -
CI: Hey Skippy! What's with this card? I says this new guy gets a qualifying match for the Extreme Combat title and I don't? I assume it's a typo.
Skippy: Ummm... No it's correct. Your match is just a normal extreme match.
CI: Son of a bitch! I'll take care of this.
- Insanity tips over a display case and storms down the hall. -
_________________
**We are now inside of The Sedition's offices. Rev and Gladiator are in a discussion with a young man dressed in a business suit. It's newcomer CHIP PEKURNY.**
CHIP: Your portfolio is a mess. It's going to take some time to fix this. Who was handling your finances, a monkey?
REV: No! Of course not!
GLADIATOR: What do you take us for, idiots?
**Gladiator's head monkey soldier, Montacor, wipes a few tears from his eyes and runs out of the room squwaking.**
GLADIATOR: Montacor, come back!
CHIP: That was weird. Listen, I'll do what I can.
REV: Much appreciated. You help us with our business finances, and we'll give you what you want.
**The door is kicked in by Captain Insanity. Rev, Gladiator and Chip Pekurny all look startled.**
CI: I've broken bones, lost blood, went into comas all for your Extreme Combat divison. I made that division from the beginning. I kept it alive over the years, and I've had more Extreme Combat victories in the last few months than anyone else here. And what do I get for that? Nothing. What does our ring announcer and some nobody named Chip Pekurny get for that? A shot at the Extreme Combta title. Tell me why I shouldn't walk out the door and sign with TNA, WWE or ROH right now after a slap in the face like this!
REV: Uh, we'll pay you an extra 35 cents an hour? By the way, have you met our new financial advisor. His name is...
CHIP: Chip Pekurny. You looking for a tag team partner or some advice on mutual funds, I'm your man.
CI: Him? This twig? Your financial advisor is fighting for a chance at the Extreme Combat Title?
GLADIATOR: We're sorry, but the Extreme Combat division is going in a different direction. This isn't 2004 anymore. Maybe if you work hard we'll give you a non title match against whoever gets crowned champ next month. For now, just be a good sportsman and wish Chip and Virgil luck tonight.
**CI starts to walk back out the door.**
CI: You haven't heard the last from me on this.
**CI exits the office but turns around one more time.**
CI: And I'll take that 35 cent raise while it's still on the table.
_________________________
PRESENTS
Live from
HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA, CANADA
____________
**Joe Aiello is at ringside in front of the sold out crowd in Halifax. He looks at his watch impatiently.**
JOE: Hi, I am Joe Aiello, and apparently flying solo tonight.
**Skippy finally arrives at ringside. He pants and places his headset on.**
JOE: Nothing like being caught on camera late for work.
SKIPPY: I wasn't late, I've been here the whole time.
JOE: Amazing how you could have been here the whole time while you were in conversation with Captain Insnaity back stage.
SKIPPY: Twin brother.
JOE: Oh right. Skippy #2.
SKIPPY: You got it. That settles things.
JOE: Luckily you didn't miss much, other than the security guards usual 'Make a move Aiello and I'll decapitate you and practice taxidermy on your head'. We're just about to get to our opening match. Before that, can anyone explain how Captain Insanity has been snubbed for a qualifying match for the Extreme Combat title?
SKIPPY: I heard it was his drug problem. Rev and Gladiator want to enroll him in Celebrity Rehab instead.
JOE You know that's a lie. Instead of giving him the shot he deserves, we're being treated to our ring announcer and former WWE jobber Virgil against Rev and Gladiator's financial advisor.
SKIPPY: Should be a slobberknocker. Did I use that word right?
JOE: I don't think that word can ever be used right. It's time to find out who will be facing Teen Throb for the Extreme Combat Championship at Apocalypse Now. Will it be ring announcer Virgil, or financial adviser Chip Pekurny. This is Extreme Combat rules. That means there are no rules. These guys can do whatever they want. Whoever wins the first pinfall or submission receives an Extreme Combat Title shot. Be prepared for a laugh, fans.
CHIP PEKURNY -vs- VIRGIL
The classic cheesy synthesized entrance music of legendary jobber Virgil hits the speakers in the arena. The ring announcer himself stands in the center of the ring reading his cue cards.
VIRGIL: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first......... standing 5 feet and 11 inches, and weighing 215 pounds............. wait a second......... THAT'S ME! Introducing the greatest black servant to Ted Dibiase to ever set foot in the wrestling ring, VIRGIL!!!!!!!!!! T-shirts available after the show, now for only $10!
The theme from “Dallas” plays and Chip Pekurny walks through the entrance smiling and saluting the crowd. He loosens his tie and starts handing out business cards to many confused fans in the aisle seats. Chip enters the ring.
Virgil immediately jumps Chip and tackles him over the ropes. They both fall to the outside. Virgil lands on Chip as they hit the cement floor. Virgil stands up and break dances for the crowd. He's too busy showing off to notice that Chip Pekurny is on his feet. Chip grabs Virgil by his bald head and brings him down backwards, slamming the back of his skull against the ring apron. Chip grabs Virgil by both ankles and drags him to the ring barricade. He places Virgil's legs on the top of the barricade and begins to stomp on his elevated knees. After a few stomps Chip turns to the crowd members in the front row that are mocking him. Chip shakes their hands and starts passing out some more business cards.
JOE: Is this a wrestling match or a business networking meeting? Lets see some action already.
Virgil is on his feet and limping slightly. He sneaks up on Chip from behind. Virgil picks up a monitor from off the broadcast table.
SKIPPY: Hey I was watching that!
Chip is still trying to recruit new clients as Virgil raises the monitor up in the air and smashes it over Chip's head. Chip goes down like the stock market crash of 1929. Virgil is dancing around jumping in the air. He hums his own music as he dances. Virgil then stomps on Chip. He turns his attention to the crowd members who are now looking over Chip's financial planning panflets he handed out. Virgil rips it out of the fans hands and starts aggressively trying to sell them Virgil t-shirts.
JOE: Do these guys even know they're in a match? They're fighting harder to sell the crowd on their merchandise and services than they are against each other. Someone needs to save this match.
Chip is now on his feet. He brushes some of the broken monitor pieces off of his collar and pushes Virgil from behind. Virgil turns around. Chip tries to grab one of Virgil's own t-shirts out of his hand. Virgil won't let it go. They pull the shirt back and forth like it's a game of tug-o-war. The shirt eventually rips and both men fall backwards. Virgil sees the ripped shirt and becomes furious.
VIRGIL:You owe me $10 for that!
Virgil raise sboth fists and begins chasing Chip Pekurny. Chip flees for his life. Virgil chases him a few circles around the ring. They circle again and again and again. Chip slides under the mat and disappears under the ring. Virgil ducks down and peaks underneath, reaching his arm in. He grabs hold of Chip before he can fully disappear under the ring. He's trying to pull Chip out.
JOE: Please someone save this farce of a match!
“Down and Out” by Tantric blasts over the PA. The fans rise to their feet as Captain Insanity appears at the top of the entrance ramp. He wastes no time running down the aisle. Within seconds he has reached Virgil and Chip. With his music still playing, CI grabs a steel chair. He swings the chair and cracks Virgil in the head with it. Virgil drops down to the floor now bleeding from his bald skull. Chip peaks his head out from under the apron and sees Captain Insanity. Insanity grabs Chip by his collar and drags him out from under the ring. He throws Chip onto the apron. Insanity climbs up there with him and bends him down. He hoists him up over his shoulders for the Insanity Bomb, running across the apron and slamming him into the ring post. After the impact Chip falls to the floor on top of Virgil. CI climbs down and covers both Chip Pekurny and Virgil. The ref shakes his head and then counts.
1...
2...
3!
Winner: Captain Insanity (advancing to Extreme Combat Championship match)
SKIPPY: Hold on, he wasn't even part of the match! He can't pin anyone!
JOE: Extreme Combat rules. There are no rules. It looks like Captain Insanity has found a way to force himself into that title match at Apocalypse Now.
SKIPPY: If that's fair, then what's stopping me from interfering in one of these matches and claiming a title shot for myself?
JOE: Your pathetic physique. Lack of athleticism. Bony little girl arms. Should I go on?
SKIPPY: You know what I mean.
JOE: This is Extreme Combat rules. Any competitor needs to expect the unexpected. I for one will forever be thankful for Captain Insanity just for saving that retched excuse for a match.
SKIPPY: He still has to fight later tonight. I hope he didn't tire himself out.
JOE: Tire himself from 2 moves? He's still well rested for Larsen Van Der Kamp later tonight. Virgil on the other hand may need some smelling salts to get back to his announcing. While paramedics revive our announcer, we're getting ready for the SWA debut of Psycho Dragon. He's a masked and slightly bizarre newcomer to this promotion. He has his hands full with not one opponent, but two. Neither Danny O'Callahan or Waylon Hawthorne intends to lay down for a rookie. It's Triple Threat action here on Saturday Night Fever.
SKIPPY: Sounds kinky.
JOE: Do you ever listen to what I say, or do you only hear the last sentence and assume you know what I'm talking about.
SKIPPY: You were talking about a 3-way.
JOE: Really? Between an Irish goon, an elderly man and a guy wearing a mask?
SKIPPY: Ewwwww. You sicko.
JOE: No. I wasn't saying........ Forget it. It looks like Virgil is conscious. Lets get to our next match.
WAYLON HAWTHORNE -vs- PSYCHO DRAGON -vs- DANNY O'CALLAHAN
As “Hey Scenesters” by The Cribs begins to play, the newcomer Psycho Dragon is seen slowly crawling from out of the entranceway on his hands and knees like a serpent. He kneels upwards and looks around at the crowd before he quickly gets up and jogs to the ring. He slides under the ropes and begins to crawl across the ring and goes on one of the turnbuckles, staring at the crowd again.
VIRGIL: Introducing....... from Atlanta, Georgia............ oh........ I'm feeling kind of dizzy......... gotta get through the show......... weighing 231 pounds at a height of 6 feet and 1 inch....... PSYCHO DRAGON!!!
As "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" by Dropkick Murphys starts to play, green lights starts to flash. Danny “O'callahan steps onto the stage and raises his hands in the air. He slowly walks to the ring. He slides in the ring and poses on the turnbuckle.
VIRGIL: His opponent....... from........ sorry my vision is blurred.......... I think it says South Boston. He stands at 6 foot 4 and weighs 247 pounds. He is “Fighting Irish” Danny O'Callahan!!!
“The Last Saskatchewan Pirate” begins to play. Waylon walks out onto the stage and flexes his saggy old man muscles. Waylon walks down the aisle. About halfway to the ring he seems to forget what he’s doing. He looks around and sees the ring and suddenly remembers what he’s supposed to do. He climbs up onto the apron and steps through the ropes. He stands in the middle of the ring and does a dopey old man dance.
VIRGIL: And finally.......... from....... uh oh.......... I'm not feeling too good. I think I'm going to pass out.......
Virgil's eyes roll out of his head and he passes out. The paramedics pulls him out of the ring.
JOE: As our announcer slips into a coma, we get ready to start this match. Entering last is Waylon Hawthorne, The Geriatric One. Time for the bell.
The bell rings and all 3 men charge to the center of the ring. They exchange blows back and forth, alternating between each guy for a full minute. Waylon Hawthorne makes the first real move hooking O'Callahan in a Hip Toss and taking him down. Danny is back on his feet quick and he locks up with Hawthorne. Hawthorne places Danny in a headlock. Danny breaks free and shoves Hawthorne forward. He comes within an inch of the corner and stops abruptly. Hawthorne spins around and finds O'Callahan right in front of him. O'Callahan locks up again with Hawthorne. Hawthorne places O'Callahan in a headlock. O'Callahan tries to break loose so Hawthorne improvises and spins around to place Danny O'Callahan in a Full Nelson from behind. As he applies pressure, O'Callahan bends his knees while in the hold and flips Hawthorne's whole body over his back. Hawthorne lands on his feet and reaches back to grab O'Callahan's arm. He pulls him forward with an Arm Drag and O'Callahan lands on his side.
JOE: At this rate Psycho Dragon has the upper hand.
SKIPPY: Why?
JOE: Because he's being completely ignored.
Psycho Dragon is standing patiently in the corner whistling a tune and watching the match. On the other side of the ring, Hawthorne applies some pressure to O'Callahan's shoulder. O'Callahan stands up and does a nice front flip to break free from the Arm Bar. He grips both hands on Hawthorne's shoulders, leans back and using his feet against his opponent's chest, delivers a Monkey Flip that sends Hawthorne head over heels flying through the air. Waylon Hawthorne sores straight over the top rope and lands on the floor below. Danny O'Callahan stands up and catches his breath, While getting ready to make his move on Hawthorne again, O'Callahan is distracted by Psycho Dragon, who is on the other side of the ring applauding and cheering.
JOE: That's right. Triple Threat means there are 3 of you in the ring.
O'Callahan notices Psycho Dragon now. He runs toward the corner but Psycho Dragon jumps up on the second turnbuckle and flips over O'Callahan's body, catching him as he flips over and pulling him down into a pin.
1...
2....
Danny O'Callahan kicks out. Psycho Dragon and O'Callahan both rise to their feet. The two men exchange punches in the center of the ring.
Psycho Dragon blocks one of O'Callahn's shots and knees him in the gut. O'Callah hunches over and Psycho Dragon grabs his arm, whipping him against the ropes. As O'Callahan comes running back Psycho Dragon jumps and hits him with a Spinning Wheel Kick. He goes for another cover.
1...
2...
Waylon Hawthorne storms into the ring and drops a leg drop against the back of Psycho's neck, breaking the count in the process. Hawthorne picks Psycho Dragon up and delivers a Backbreaker. He then climbs to the top rope and waits for Dragon to get up. As Psycho Dragon rises and spins around to face the corner, Hawthorne leaps through the air to go for a Cross Body Block. O'Callahan runs in front of Dragon and catches Hawthorne in the air, turning him over and Powerslamming him onto the mat. O'Callahan has Hawthorne covered.
1...
2...
Psycho Dragon breaks the count. Dragon picks O'Callahan up and bends him uder his arm. He lifts him high up above his head in a Standing Vertical Suplex, before dropping him over the ropes. O'Callahan manages to grab hold of the ropes to prevent himself from hitting the floor. O'Callahan keeps his feet on the apron. He reaches over the ropes into the ring and and picks Dragon up on his shoulders and drops him down off the apron and onto the concrete outside with a Samoan Drop. O'Callahan stands up and pulls Psycho Dragon up. He hooks him in position and delivers a Double Underhook DDT onto the concrete. Psycho Dragon's head smacks against the concrete and it takes only a few seconds for wet spots of blood to start soaking through his mask.
SKIPPY: Hello concussion!
O'Callahan continues to pound on Dragon outside, meanwhile Waylon Hawthorne is in the ring and having a heated argument with the referee. He keeps telling the ref to count his opponents out and the ref refuses to do so.
SKIPPY: Look at that old school fool. He still thinks count outs are valid.
JOE: Not in SWA. That's not in the rule book or anything. Our refs just don't have the mental capacity to count to ten.
Hawthorne gives up on the ref and drops down to his knees. He winces as his arthritic pain kicks in. Hawthorne huffs and puffs as he slowly rolls out of the ring. O'Callahan now has Dragon up and he's locking up. The two men remain in a grappl;ing position for several seconds. Old man Hawthorne starts to make his way over to them. He lunges and tries to tackle both opponents to the ground, but before he can reach them O'Callahan whips Dragon towards the barricade, but Dragon reverses and sends O'Callahan towards the barricade. Hawthorne misses them and hits the floor. O'Callahan's back hits the steel barricade hard. Dragon runs forward and throws his legs in the air, wrapping them around O'Callahan's head and delivering a Hurricanranna, sending O'Callahan's body flying on top of the broadcast table.
JOE: I tell them every week to give us an enclose booth, but NO! Violating the personal space of the commentators is a tradition.
Dragon is picking up O'Callahan and attempting to hook him in another suplex while standing on the table, but O'Callahan is resisting. While this struggle goes on, Hawthorne grabs the ring bell and is slowly approaching the commentators table.
SKIPPY: Then there's the tradition of physical violence against the commentators.
JOE: Lets get out of here!
Joe Aiello and Skippy Mohophosite rip off their headset and run away from the table. Hawthorne climbs on top of the table and dings Dragon in the back of the head with the bell. Dragon falls off the table. Hawthorne hits O'Callahan in the face with the bell and he falls on the floor as well. Hawthorne grunts as he climbs off the table. He rests the bell on O'Callahan's head and reaches under the ring and pulls out a sledgehammer. Hawthorne raises the sledgehammer in the air and drops it down. He hammers the bell onto O'Callahan's head. Hawthorne climbs onto the table and gets ready to leap off. Psycho Dragon sneaks up behind Hawthorne and spins him around. He hooks him in a suplex position and delivers a Fisherman's Suplex, crashing Hawthorne through the table and landing in a bridge to pin. The ref leaps into position and makes the count.
1...
2...
3!
Winner: Psycho Dragon!
Psycho Dragon celebrates his win. Joe Aiello and Skippy Mohophosite return to what's left of the commentators table and find their headsets.
JOE: I don't remember this being Extreme Combat rules. How did this become falls count anywhere?
SKIPPY: You know our refs. They just make things up as they go.
JOE: Well it's time for a commercial break. As we receive our second table of the night, please enjoy this word from our sponsors.
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