Post by "The Geriatric One" on May 3, 2010 21:10:57 GMT -6
(Nurse Cratchett sits behind his desk. His two lackeys in white coats sit across from him.)
CRATCHETT: I am growing tired of your failures to capture Hawthorne. He is a 65 year old, senile old man with bladder control problems and you two half wits can`t seem to catch him.
WHITE COAT 2: It`s not our fault Nurse Cratchett. He seems to have hired some type of security guard.
CRATCHETT: What do you mean security guard.
WHITE COAT 2: Everytime we get close to nabbing him, this guy convienently gets in the way. This isn`t just some ordinary security guard. He is an expert in the art of deception. He plays dumb and spends all day pretending to be an idiot, and then unleashes a diabolical attack on us to prevent us from taking the old man.
WHITE COAT 1: Yeah, I knows an idiot when I see one and he is no idiot.
(Cratchett leans back in his chair.)
CRATCHETT: Then what we need to do is neutralize the security guard. Catch him when he isn`t protecting the old man. Of course he`ll be expecting you to strike at Hawthorne, but he`d never expect you to strike at him.
WHITE COAT 2: Ok, we`ll do our best but understand, this man isn`t just some pushover. He may just be the most brilliant, and gifted person we have ever dealt with. They call him... MALLOY!
(The show cuts to a close up of Travis Malloy. He gets a goofy excited grin on his face.)
MALLOY: Oh boy! Cotton Candy! Can I get some Mr. Hawthorne. Please, can I, can I, can I.
HAWTHORNE: Alright, but no more after that. Or you`ll spoil your dinner.
MALLOY: Yippppeee!
(The two men in white coats watch with binoculars as Travis skips with glee towards the cotton candy stand.)
WHITE COAT 2: That Malloy is brilliant. If I didn`t know better I would swear that he was mildly retarded.
WHITE COAT 1: Can I have some cotton candy too. Please can I, can I, can I!
(The more intelligent one smacks his forehead and lets out a sigh. Malloy comes back to Hawthorne munching on cotton candy. They walk along the path at the carnival and walk past all the rides.)
MALLOY: You know, I used to think you didn`t like me.
HAWTHORNE: Uh... gee... what gave you that idea.
MALLOY: Well, you were always snapping at me and calling me a brat and stuff. It used to hurt my feelings, but now I know that was just your way of showing that you love me. All the other guys treat me like a bad rash. They make fun of me, call me a pretty boy, lock me in closets and whip me with wet towels, but I really feel you and I have something special.
HAWTHORNE: Well Travis, let`s just say for some strange reason, I feel safer around you.
MALLOY: That`s the nicest thing anyone who`s not my mom has ever said to me.
HAWTHORNE: So, changing the subject without warning to prevent any more awkward moments, how about that Spring Breakdown tournament.
MALLOY: Yeah, you`re going to win the whole thing I just know you will. You`re going to teach all those disrespectful brats just how bad a geezer can be.
HAWTHORNE: Darn right! It`s the moment I have been waiting for since I returned to the SWA. I am going to go through all those darn kids and win the SWA Championship dag nabbit!
MALLOY: Can I call you Grandpa.
HAWTHORNE: Lord no! Uh... I mean, say Travis, why don`t we do a Spring Breakdown interview.
MALLOY: Nah, our friendship has gone far beyond the interviewer, interviewee bond. We are like family.
HAWTHORNE: Listen sonny boy. Take out your microphone and interview me or you`ll feel the back of my hand.
MALLOY: Awwww! I love you too Grandpa.
(Hawthorne shudders at these words. Travis pulls a microphone out of his back pocket and a cameraman comes from out of nowhere.)
MALLOY: Travis Malloy here with my adoptive Grandpa... I mean Mr. Hawthorne.
(Malloy winks at Hawthorne and Hawthorne shakes his head with disgust.)
MALLOY: I am here to get his thoughts on the upcoming Spring Breakdown tournament.
HAWTHORNE: Let me just say that it`s about time I get a shot at the SWA Championship. I am the greatest professional wrestler to ever set foot in a SWA ring.
MALLOY: You are facing some pretty stiff competition. So far we have heard from Gabreal Martin, Teen Throb, Mr. Kiljoy, Larsen Van Der Kamp, and Ian De Tornado.
HAWTHORNE: Stiff competition, that`s a bunch of malarky. Gabreal Martin, why that little brat doesn`t even know what the word competition means. They say he`s the chosen one, and they are right, because I have chosen him to get a lickin`that`ll make him stop tickin`courtesy of The Geriatric One. And Teen Throb, he calls himself a singer. Why, Frank Sinatra and Perry Como would be rolling in their graves. He sings like a girl, and that just ain`t right. That stinkin`clown put me in the hospital last time, but all that accomplished was making me angrier. I am still determined to avenge my loss of the coveted cardboard TV title. This Larsen guy clearly has issues. He`s the only guy in the SWA with a worse memory than me. I may have forgotten what I had for breakfast this morning, but I remember my childhood. And as for the Filipino DJ, I have one word for him, deportation.
MALLOY: Now Grandpa, that wasn`t very nice... hey what`s that wet spot on your shorts.
(Hawthorne looks down at the wet spot.)
HAWTHORNE: Now again. Stupid bladder control problems. Let me go clean up. You stay here. Try not to do anything stupid.
(Hawthorne walks away. The two men in white coats jump up and run at Malloy. Malloy looks down as the men get close.)
MALLOY: Hey look a penny.
(The men dive towards him. As they fly at him, Travis ducks down to look at the penny. They fly clear over him and land in a roller coaster cart. The carny starts the roller coaster and the two men scream as the roller coaster takes off. Travis stands back up.)
MALLOY: Ha, tails up that`s just bad luck. No thank you.
(Hawthorne comes back he has soaked his entire pair of shorts to match the wet spot.)
MALLOY: Grandpa, tell me about the time you fought Bob Backlund.
HAWTHORNE: Ok if you insist. It al started back in 1977...
(The two walk off into the sunset as the two men in white coats cream on the roller coaster.)
CRATCHETT: I am growing tired of your failures to capture Hawthorne. He is a 65 year old, senile old man with bladder control problems and you two half wits can`t seem to catch him.
WHITE COAT 2: It`s not our fault Nurse Cratchett. He seems to have hired some type of security guard.
CRATCHETT: What do you mean security guard.
WHITE COAT 2: Everytime we get close to nabbing him, this guy convienently gets in the way. This isn`t just some ordinary security guard. He is an expert in the art of deception. He plays dumb and spends all day pretending to be an idiot, and then unleashes a diabolical attack on us to prevent us from taking the old man.
WHITE COAT 1: Yeah, I knows an idiot when I see one and he is no idiot.
(Cratchett leans back in his chair.)
CRATCHETT: Then what we need to do is neutralize the security guard. Catch him when he isn`t protecting the old man. Of course he`ll be expecting you to strike at Hawthorne, but he`d never expect you to strike at him.
WHITE COAT 2: Ok, we`ll do our best but understand, this man isn`t just some pushover. He may just be the most brilliant, and gifted person we have ever dealt with. They call him... MALLOY!
(The show cuts to a close up of Travis Malloy. He gets a goofy excited grin on his face.)
MALLOY: Oh boy! Cotton Candy! Can I get some Mr. Hawthorne. Please, can I, can I, can I.
HAWTHORNE: Alright, but no more after that. Or you`ll spoil your dinner.
MALLOY: Yippppeee!
(The two men in white coats watch with binoculars as Travis skips with glee towards the cotton candy stand.)
WHITE COAT 2: That Malloy is brilliant. If I didn`t know better I would swear that he was mildly retarded.
WHITE COAT 1: Can I have some cotton candy too. Please can I, can I, can I!
(The more intelligent one smacks his forehead and lets out a sigh. Malloy comes back to Hawthorne munching on cotton candy. They walk along the path at the carnival and walk past all the rides.)
MALLOY: You know, I used to think you didn`t like me.
HAWTHORNE: Uh... gee... what gave you that idea.
MALLOY: Well, you were always snapping at me and calling me a brat and stuff. It used to hurt my feelings, but now I know that was just your way of showing that you love me. All the other guys treat me like a bad rash. They make fun of me, call me a pretty boy, lock me in closets and whip me with wet towels, but I really feel you and I have something special.
HAWTHORNE: Well Travis, let`s just say for some strange reason, I feel safer around you.
MALLOY: That`s the nicest thing anyone who`s not my mom has ever said to me.
HAWTHORNE: So, changing the subject without warning to prevent any more awkward moments, how about that Spring Breakdown tournament.
MALLOY: Yeah, you`re going to win the whole thing I just know you will. You`re going to teach all those disrespectful brats just how bad a geezer can be.
HAWTHORNE: Darn right! It`s the moment I have been waiting for since I returned to the SWA. I am going to go through all those darn kids and win the SWA Championship dag nabbit!
MALLOY: Can I call you Grandpa.
HAWTHORNE: Lord no! Uh... I mean, say Travis, why don`t we do a Spring Breakdown interview.
MALLOY: Nah, our friendship has gone far beyond the interviewer, interviewee bond. We are like family.
HAWTHORNE: Listen sonny boy. Take out your microphone and interview me or you`ll feel the back of my hand.
MALLOY: Awwww! I love you too Grandpa.
(Hawthorne shudders at these words. Travis pulls a microphone out of his back pocket and a cameraman comes from out of nowhere.)
MALLOY: Travis Malloy here with my adoptive Grandpa... I mean Mr. Hawthorne.
(Malloy winks at Hawthorne and Hawthorne shakes his head with disgust.)
MALLOY: I am here to get his thoughts on the upcoming Spring Breakdown tournament.
HAWTHORNE: Let me just say that it`s about time I get a shot at the SWA Championship. I am the greatest professional wrestler to ever set foot in a SWA ring.
MALLOY: You are facing some pretty stiff competition. So far we have heard from Gabreal Martin, Teen Throb, Mr. Kiljoy, Larsen Van Der Kamp, and Ian De Tornado.
HAWTHORNE: Stiff competition, that`s a bunch of malarky. Gabreal Martin, why that little brat doesn`t even know what the word competition means. They say he`s the chosen one, and they are right, because I have chosen him to get a lickin`that`ll make him stop tickin`courtesy of The Geriatric One. And Teen Throb, he calls himself a singer. Why, Frank Sinatra and Perry Como would be rolling in their graves. He sings like a girl, and that just ain`t right. That stinkin`clown put me in the hospital last time, but all that accomplished was making me angrier. I am still determined to avenge my loss of the coveted cardboard TV title. This Larsen guy clearly has issues. He`s the only guy in the SWA with a worse memory than me. I may have forgotten what I had for breakfast this morning, but I remember my childhood. And as for the Filipino DJ, I have one word for him, deportation.
MALLOY: Now Grandpa, that wasn`t very nice... hey what`s that wet spot on your shorts.
(Hawthorne looks down at the wet spot.)
HAWTHORNE: Now again. Stupid bladder control problems. Let me go clean up. You stay here. Try not to do anything stupid.
(Hawthorne walks away. The two men in white coats jump up and run at Malloy. Malloy looks down as the men get close.)
MALLOY: Hey look a penny.
(The men dive towards him. As they fly at him, Travis ducks down to look at the penny. They fly clear over him and land in a roller coaster cart. The carny starts the roller coaster and the two men scream as the roller coaster takes off. Travis stands back up.)
MALLOY: Ha, tails up that`s just bad luck. No thank you.
(Hawthorne comes back he has soaked his entire pair of shorts to match the wet spot.)
MALLOY: Grandpa, tell me about the time you fought Bob Backlund.
HAWTHORNE: Ok if you insist. It al started back in 1977...
(The two walk off into the sunset as the two men in white coats cream on the roller coaster.)
