Post by "The Geriatric One" on Apr 23, 2010 22:39:36 GMT -6
(Two men in white coats are sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City. One is working on the computer and the other one is watching Oprah on TV.)
OPRAH: “Today we’re talking about my favorite subject in the world… me! Did you know that I am the richest and most powerful black woman in the world since Michael Jackson.”
WHITE COAT #1: “You tell them sister!”
(The phone rings. White Coat #1 ignores it. White Coat #2 looks back at his partner lying on the bed with his eyes glued to the screen. He sighs and goes to pick up the phone.)
WHITE COAT #2: “Hello… Oh, Nurse Cratchett, we weren’t expecting your call so soon… I know, but that stupid interviewer got in the way again… I’d rather not say… It was very painful… This time we will not fail. He is down for his afternoon nap right now, we plan to ambush him when he comes out for dinner at 5:30... Really, 5:29 you say… Well stop holding us up and let us get to work.”
(White Coat #2 hangs up the phone. He smacks White Coat #1 upside the head.)
WHITE COAT #2: “Get up you lazy dog. We’ve got work to do.”
WHITE COAT #1: “But Oprah is just about to do a segment on how rich she is. After that she’s going to do a segment telling us poor people that we need to give all out money to starving kids in Africa.”
WHITE COAT #2: “Nurse Cratchett is most displeased. We need to deliver Hawthorne to him now. Let’s go.”
(White Coat #1 reluctantly gets up on his feet. The two men leave their room and walk down the hall. They listen at the door and here Hawthorne singing in the shower. Coincidentally the song he is singing is a brilliant rendition of the song Singin; In The Rain.)
WHITE COAT #1: “…Just singin’ in the rain, what a glorious…”
(White Coat #2 smacks him upside the head again.)
WHITE COAT #2: “Quiet you.”
(Travis Malloy walks down the hallway he steps up to Hawthorne’s door and nods at the white coats.)
MALLOY: “Hey, you guys here to see Waylon.”
WHITE COAT #1: “Yeah, we’re here to take him back to the retirment… Owwww!”
(The owww was caused by white coat #2 stomping on his foot.)
WHITE COAT #2: “We’re old friends of his. We just wanted to come keep him company.”
MALLOY: “That’s good. He needs some good friends. He seems to have all these conspiracy theories about guys in white coats trying to take him away. I’ll tell you, the old man’s going nuts.”
(The two men look down at their white coats and casually take them off.)
WHITE COAT #2: “So have you known Waylon for long?”
MALLOY: “Yeah, we both go back to the early days of the SWA. I guess you could say he’s kind of like a grandfather to me. He sees me like a grandson too. He used to be very abusive to me, but lately he’s been really nice to me. He seems to think I’m saving him from something.”
WHITE COAT #2: “So you two are close then.”
(Travis leans onto a fire extinguisher mounted on the wall.)
MALLOY: “Yeah, we’re just like peas and carro…”
(Malloy’s weight pushes the extinguisher off the wall and it discharges when it hit’s the ground. It blows right onto the men in white coats. Malloy frantically picks it up trying to turn it off. The hose then points towards him and sprays him in the face. Travis throws the extinguisher with amazing force. It hits both of the men in white coats in the head and they fall to the ground. The extinguisher drops to the floor and stops spraying. Hawthorne opens the door. He looks down at the men on the ground, then at Travis who has a guilty look on his face.)
MALLOY: “What? Nothing…. Uh…. It was like that when I got here.”
HAWTHORNE: “What are you doing here?”
MALLOY: “I just wanted to see if you wanted to come have a drink with me.”
HAWTHORNE: “A drink… yes splendid idea. Let’s go right now, as far away from here as we can go.”
MALLOY: “Sounds good to me.”
(Three hours later the men are sitting in a bar. Travis is surrounded by several empty beer bottles. Hawthorne is sipping a Shirley Temple. Travis slurs his words as he speaks.)
MALLOY: “…so I said, Mom just because you cook for me, clean for me, do my laundry, and make my bed for me, that doesn’t mean you get to boss me around.”
HAWTHORNE: You know Travis, maybe you should stop drinking for tonight. I think you’ve had enough.”
MALLOY: “Why aren’t you drinking?”
HAWTHORNE: “I don’t believe in that kind of lifestyle. Drinking, smoking, drugs, it’s not my thing.”
MALLOY: “Then you’re gonna love you opponent Kid Cannabis.”
HAWTHORNE: “My opponent is Kid Cannabis? Drat! I thought they said Kid Cactus.”
MALLOY: “Nooooope… it’s definitely Kid Cannabis.”
HAWTHORNE: “Well then, finally I have an opportunity to knock some sense into this generation. That fully baked, boozed up, walking case of herpes is gonna get the smack down laid on him. Is smack down still a hip and cool phrase?”
MALLOY: “Yes, but I should warn you we could be sued for copyright infringement for using it.”
HAWTHORNE: “Stinkin’ beurrecrats. Let me put it this way then. Kid Cannabis is poison on society, and when I get my hands on him I’ll show him that I drink poison for breakfast.”
MALLOY: “Only one problem with that one, if you drank poison for breakfast you’d be dead.”
HAWTHORNE: “Yes, I suppose that’s true. Why are all the good catchphrases taken? Back in my day only the top guns had catchphrases. Now anybody can have one. Even Kid Cannabis has his lame smoke out. What’s that supposed to mean anyways? Who does he think he is, Ryan Seagull.”
MALLOY: “You mean Seacrest, Ryan Seacrest.”
HAWTHORNE: “Whatever. I’m not trying to debate the queer boys name, I’m trying to make a point about the originality of catchphrases these days. In my day we had the good one’s. Bob Backlund had…. I forget, but Buddy Rodgers had… I forget that too. I do remember mine though. Back in my pirate days my catchphrase was… huh… wouldn’t you know it. I forget that one too.”
MALLOY: “That’s all right man, I think you’ve made your point.”
HAWTHORNE: What was my point then?”
MALLOY: “That if I don’t quit drinking I’m going to end up like Ryan Seacrest. Well I’m not gonna let that happen. From now on it’s clean living for me.”
HAWTHORNE: “Actually my point was about Kid Cannabis’ lame catchphrase, but I’ll take it. Let’s get out of this bar.”
MALLOY: “Alright.”
(Hawthorne picks Travis up out of his seat. The bartender jumps over the counter and stops them from leaving.)
BARTENDER: “Hey, you can’t leave. You have to pay for your drinks.
(Hawthorne smashes a beer bottle and picks up a piece of glass and holds it in the air.)
HAWTHORNE: “We aren’t paying for anything. I will not feed this industry. You tell Kid Cannabis that I will not stand for his loose living ways. I’m gonna give him a dose of some good old, old school values this Saturday. You tell him that “The Geriatric One” is gonna win this one for Travis. Ask Kid Cannabis what he’s gonna do when “The Geriatric One” gets Jiggy all over his ugly face. You ask him that.”
(Hawthorne drags Travis out of the bar. The bartender looks very confused.)
BARTENDER: “Who’s Kid Cannabis? And what’s a jiggy?
OPRAH: “Today we’re talking about my favorite subject in the world… me! Did you know that I am the richest and most powerful black woman in the world since Michael Jackson.”
WHITE COAT #1: “You tell them sister!”
(The phone rings. White Coat #1 ignores it. White Coat #2 looks back at his partner lying on the bed with his eyes glued to the screen. He sighs and goes to pick up the phone.)
WHITE COAT #2: “Hello… Oh, Nurse Cratchett, we weren’t expecting your call so soon… I know, but that stupid interviewer got in the way again… I’d rather not say… It was very painful… This time we will not fail. He is down for his afternoon nap right now, we plan to ambush him when he comes out for dinner at 5:30... Really, 5:29 you say… Well stop holding us up and let us get to work.”
(White Coat #2 hangs up the phone. He smacks White Coat #1 upside the head.)
WHITE COAT #2: “Get up you lazy dog. We’ve got work to do.”
WHITE COAT #1: “But Oprah is just about to do a segment on how rich she is. After that she’s going to do a segment telling us poor people that we need to give all out money to starving kids in Africa.”
WHITE COAT #2: “Nurse Cratchett is most displeased. We need to deliver Hawthorne to him now. Let’s go.”
(White Coat #1 reluctantly gets up on his feet. The two men leave their room and walk down the hall. They listen at the door and here Hawthorne singing in the shower. Coincidentally the song he is singing is a brilliant rendition of the song Singin; In The Rain.)
WHITE COAT #1: “…Just singin’ in the rain, what a glorious…”
(White Coat #2 smacks him upside the head again.)
WHITE COAT #2: “Quiet you.”
(Travis Malloy walks down the hallway he steps up to Hawthorne’s door and nods at the white coats.)
MALLOY: “Hey, you guys here to see Waylon.”
WHITE COAT #1: “Yeah, we’re here to take him back to the retirment… Owwww!”
(The owww was caused by white coat #2 stomping on his foot.)
WHITE COAT #2: “We’re old friends of his. We just wanted to come keep him company.”
MALLOY: “That’s good. He needs some good friends. He seems to have all these conspiracy theories about guys in white coats trying to take him away. I’ll tell you, the old man’s going nuts.”
(The two men look down at their white coats and casually take them off.)
WHITE COAT #2: “So have you known Waylon for long?”
MALLOY: “Yeah, we both go back to the early days of the SWA. I guess you could say he’s kind of like a grandfather to me. He sees me like a grandson too. He used to be very abusive to me, but lately he’s been really nice to me. He seems to think I’m saving him from something.”
WHITE COAT #2: “So you two are close then.”
(Travis leans onto a fire extinguisher mounted on the wall.)
MALLOY: “Yeah, we’re just like peas and carro…”
(Malloy’s weight pushes the extinguisher off the wall and it discharges when it hit’s the ground. It blows right onto the men in white coats. Malloy frantically picks it up trying to turn it off. The hose then points towards him and sprays him in the face. Travis throws the extinguisher with amazing force. It hits both of the men in white coats in the head and they fall to the ground. The extinguisher drops to the floor and stops spraying. Hawthorne opens the door. He looks down at the men on the ground, then at Travis who has a guilty look on his face.)
MALLOY: “What? Nothing…. Uh…. It was like that when I got here.”
HAWTHORNE: “What are you doing here?”
MALLOY: “I just wanted to see if you wanted to come have a drink with me.”
HAWTHORNE: “A drink… yes splendid idea. Let’s go right now, as far away from here as we can go.”
MALLOY: “Sounds good to me.”
(Three hours later the men are sitting in a bar. Travis is surrounded by several empty beer bottles. Hawthorne is sipping a Shirley Temple. Travis slurs his words as he speaks.)
MALLOY: “…so I said, Mom just because you cook for me, clean for me, do my laundry, and make my bed for me, that doesn’t mean you get to boss me around.”
HAWTHORNE: You know Travis, maybe you should stop drinking for tonight. I think you’ve had enough.”
MALLOY: “Why aren’t you drinking?”
HAWTHORNE: “I don’t believe in that kind of lifestyle. Drinking, smoking, drugs, it’s not my thing.”
MALLOY: “Then you’re gonna love you opponent Kid Cannabis.”
HAWTHORNE: “My opponent is Kid Cannabis? Drat! I thought they said Kid Cactus.”
MALLOY: “Nooooope… it’s definitely Kid Cannabis.”
HAWTHORNE: “Well then, finally I have an opportunity to knock some sense into this generation. That fully baked, boozed up, walking case of herpes is gonna get the smack down laid on him. Is smack down still a hip and cool phrase?”
MALLOY: “Yes, but I should warn you we could be sued for copyright infringement for using it.”
HAWTHORNE: “Stinkin’ beurrecrats. Let me put it this way then. Kid Cannabis is poison on society, and when I get my hands on him I’ll show him that I drink poison for breakfast.”
MALLOY: “Only one problem with that one, if you drank poison for breakfast you’d be dead.”
HAWTHORNE: “Yes, I suppose that’s true. Why are all the good catchphrases taken? Back in my day only the top guns had catchphrases. Now anybody can have one. Even Kid Cannabis has his lame smoke out. What’s that supposed to mean anyways? Who does he think he is, Ryan Seagull.”
MALLOY: “You mean Seacrest, Ryan Seacrest.”
HAWTHORNE: “Whatever. I’m not trying to debate the queer boys name, I’m trying to make a point about the originality of catchphrases these days. In my day we had the good one’s. Bob Backlund had…. I forget, but Buddy Rodgers had… I forget that too. I do remember mine though. Back in my pirate days my catchphrase was… huh… wouldn’t you know it. I forget that one too.”
MALLOY: “That’s all right man, I think you’ve made your point.”
HAWTHORNE: What was my point then?”
MALLOY: “That if I don’t quit drinking I’m going to end up like Ryan Seacrest. Well I’m not gonna let that happen. From now on it’s clean living for me.”
HAWTHORNE: “Actually my point was about Kid Cannabis’ lame catchphrase, but I’ll take it. Let’s get out of this bar.”
MALLOY: “Alright.”
(Hawthorne picks Travis up out of his seat. The bartender jumps over the counter and stops them from leaving.)
BARTENDER: “Hey, you can’t leave. You have to pay for your drinks.
(Hawthorne smashes a beer bottle and picks up a piece of glass and holds it in the air.)
HAWTHORNE: “We aren’t paying for anything. I will not feed this industry. You tell Kid Cannabis that I will not stand for his loose living ways. I’m gonna give him a dose of some good old, old school values this Saturday. You tell him that “The Geriatric One” is gonna win this one for Travis. Ask Kid Cannabis what he’s gonna do when “The Geriatric One” gets Jiggy all over his ugly face. You ask him that.”
(Hawthorne drags Travis out of the bar. The bartender looks very confused.)
BARTENDER: “Who’s Kid Cannabis? And what’s a jiggy?
