Post by Dr. Kazuya Kogemaru on Apr 23, 2010 21:59:06 GMT -6
Are your old people in your life becoming a financial and emotional burdern?
Is Nana's constant yammering about quilting and her incontinence driving you up a wall?
Does grandpa's Alzheimer's and repeating the same damn story about walking to school 20 miles a day, uphill, BOTH Ways, about to make you walk into a full bathtub with a plugged in toaster?
Well, your friends at Sedition have the answer for YOU!!
Is Nana's constant yammering about quilting and her incontinence driving you up a wall?
Does grandpa's Alzheimer's and repeating the same damn story about walking to school 20 miles a day, uphill, BOTH Ways, about to make you walk into a full bathtub with a plugged in toaster?
Well, your friends at Sedition have the answer for YOU!!
Howdy, bitches!
I'm Kid Cannabis, wrestling icon, and the man who invented the artificial heart, and if that money and soul sapping senile bag of wrinkles is making your life a Metamucil fueld living Hell, your overlords at Sedition have the solution.
Don't just send that ancient relic once called a human being to any old muthafucking assisted living community, send them to....
INSIDIOUS PINES ASSISTED LIVING CONCENTRATION CAMP!!
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Yes, Insidious Pines.
From the amazing electrified razor wire decor, to our friendly and borderline clinically homicidal staff of armed ex-Marine snipers partoling the catwalks, Insidious Pines takes any and all measures to ensure your precious walking pile of blue hair and bones is secure, no matter how much they struggle.
One of the "residents" steps too far out onto the yard, and a cargo net trap snares them up!
Guard! Open the gates!
Step inside. Watch out for the claymore mines!
Now, most assisted living communities spend insane amounts of money and time ensuring their facilities are elderly-friendly!
What a load of bullshit!
At Insidious Pines, we follow the credo, "whatever does not kill, maim, or disfigure you, makes you stronger"! And old people, well, they like talking about how hard they had it back in the day, we make them feel right at home by...
Placing vital meds on shelves too high for them to reach without possibly injuring themselves.
Consantly waxing the floors to a dangerously slipperly shine.
Installing steep stairs, and greasing the wheelchair ramps with lithium brake grease.
And many other fun and excersiing ways to help grandpa's survival instincts kick in, because they keep bragging about how they were the "Greatest Generation", well, time to put your money where your mouth is, Methusulah!
*An old man flails about helplessley as orderlies play "keep away" with his lupis medications!*
Come on to the cafeteria!
Cannabis enters a wide open pit with a bunch of elderlies standing near a large blast door.
Nutrition is key to our philosiphy at Insidious Pines, and our staff of world class chefs and cooks carefully prepare all our residents meals with the same love we show in everything we do.
In the background in the kitchen, a fat, greasy cook flicks cigar ashes into the soup while somebody carelessly leaves a bottle of open bleach above a soup vat!
Insidious Pines ensures each and every single prisoner, er, I mean, guest, gets their fair chance to enjoy a tasty, well balanced diet!
A side of beef drops from the ceiling in the middle of the dining hall while a guard on a bullhorn screams...
Alright, maggots, you know the drill!
Suddenly, hundreds of starving inmates fight like junkies over a crack rock, beating each other upside the head with walkers and pulling homemade shivs out of canes and their denture kits!
Gabreal Martin: I got $200 on the old guy in the tweed pants with the suspenders, he's got a mean left hook!
Most other retirement homes do arts and crafts. Most other retirement homes are ran by pussies who think we should "gently nurture and stimulate the mind."
Nigga, please! You won't find such vagina laced activities such as canasta and shuffleboard at Insidious Pines!
We put our geezers to work in such fun and profitable for us activities such as...
Steel smelting!
Abestos removal!
Heavy diesel machinery repair!
Sparring partners for the local underground MMA pit fighting promoter, Romeo's crew of fighters currently on parole for strongarmed robbery!
Credit card forgery, and medical waste disposal!
In fact, let's check out Gladiator encouraging our workers in our super happy fun bootleg clothing sweatshop!
Edna, you're failing your qouta. We need that shipment of fake Air Force Ones out on the streets before the Triads get angry!
But I've been working for 19 hours straight! My cat's starving, and I think I'm about to have a stroke off the fumes from this illegal horse glue we're using!
Edna, don't be a fussy-wussy....
Please, just let me give Mr. Snuggums a treat....
IT SEWS THE EMBELEMS ON THE NIKES, OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE HELL I CAN BRING YOU!!
Okay, now I know who took my Blu Ray of Silence of the Lambs...
Moving on, Edna brings up a good point before hundreds of gallons of pressurized water peels her skin...
Pets!
Many scientific studies conducted by nerdy degree holders who won't get as much pussy in a lifetime as I got before 2 PM this afternoon concluded that animals help old farts cope with the fact soon, they'll be a batch of fertilizer stuffed in a $5,000 wooden box!
My good friend Rev here is about to bring joy to Mrs. Anderson here by introducing her to her new pet, Sparky!
Rev: Today's the big day, Charolette!
Oh, goody, young man! You got me a dog!
Not just any dog! Okay, open the cage!
Two guards holding choke chains produce a snarling, bloodshot eyed rottweiler foaming at the mouth!
Time for the bonding to begin. Release Scruffy!
No.....AAAAAAGH!
It's teeth has hit the bone! Help!
He likes you! He really likes you!
Ain't that shit heartwarming!
Weekends are always fun at Insidious Pines, and we keep our fogeies on their toes with entertaining games games like...
Who's got the cup of prune juice laced with poison?
They rave about "randomly mixing up your meds with other people's pills" night!
And full contact checkers is a smash hit!
Old guy: King Me!
Suddenly, Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens tackles him!
And lest we forget, medical care!
We can't have our little bundles of artificially hip having miscreants dropping dead before the Medicaid check clears, so, Insidious Pines is proud to announce Sedition's very own Dr. Amy Rosen is now in charge of our crack medical team. So, your senile loved ones are in the best care possible.
Doc Rosen: Mr. Stinkmeaner, I have some good news and some bad news...
The bad news is, instead of simply giving you your arthritis medications, I secretly replaced your pills with an experimental mutagenic I'm testing for the Chinese government!
What?
By my calculations, in 48 hours, not only will you die a horrible, excruciating death, you'll also grow tentacles, defecate a gelatinous acid that melts stone from your rectum, and more than likely, you'll go pyschotic and probably kill everybody in your general vicinity in a hormonial rage!
What's the good news?
This brand new Prada bag I picked up today just looks ADORABLE! Doesn't it go perfectly with my lab coat!?
Knowledgeable AND fashionable! The best in the medical profession!
Plus that ass of hers makes me wish I was her personal rectal thermomiter!
Damn, too bad she bats for the other team...
*ahem*
Okay, before Amy girl death rays me for being nasty, let's move on...
Folks, there's no denying it, Insidious Pines is the best value a Medicare or Social Security scam's money can provide! we care for the elderly and infirm without pesky compuations like "ethics" or "preventing excessive Mercury levels in the water supply!"
It's the perfect place to stash that babbling, shambling, carbon dated dredge on your life, and after Saturday, it's the new happy home of one...
Waylon Hawthorne!
Suddenly, Cannabis's smile melts like butter in an incinerator, and he gets that "I'm about to kick an old fucker's ass down a flight of stairs" look on his face!
Listen up Waylon, turn yo' muthafucking Beltone up and listen real good....
I fucking hate old people!
Every time I see a Cadillac driven by some bag of dust wearing cataract glasses driving 20 mph in a 55 with their fucking left blinker on, or have to deal with some relic who reeks like Ben Gay trying to give me rhubarb cookies and make me listen to Paul Harvey, I wanna punch that old muthafucker right in his pacemaker!
Every time I see you on screen, meandering about like you're at the Country Kitchen buffet having a stroke it, reminds me why I joined Rev and Gladiator.
I ain't some IROC driving, tracksuit wearing rookie goomba who's got a green ring around his neck because the chain on his neck's made of fake gold, or some fat assed clown who needs rusty garnerning tools to get over. I'm muthafucking Kid Cannabis, man boobs.
The pound for pound best wrestler on the planet!
I'm the nigga that makes the Boogeyman check his closet at night to make sure I don't pop out of it and fuck his evening up!
It's already a given once you drag your sorry ass and your oxygen tanks down that ramp into the ring...
MY RING...
I'm gonna superkick your face so fucking hard, the Dentu-Cream in your mouth'll splatter on some kid's face in the 12th row!
And I'm a Sedition member to boot, so not only will I beat your ass like you stole something from me...
Or, in your ancient case, beat it because you're probably old enough to know what owning a black person was like personally...
I'm gonna humiliate it in the funniest fashion possible! Because that's how Sedition rolls...
Carefully crafted humor and unecessary pain inflicted on our enemies! Imagine the ratings I'll get when I make you crap your Depends for a reason besides you haven't been able to control your bowels since the Reagan administration!
And when I'm done with you, we're gonna stick you in this concrete hellhole until God finally does us all a favor and pulls the plug on you!
So even if you can't recognize your loved ones, recognize this...
Come fight night, grandpa, Sedition's Black bastard extrodinare will get medeval on you...
Which will make you feel right at home, considering you were born during the Black Plague!
Rev and the rest of the gang drops in...
Good job! We were getting worried you weren't warming up to this heel thing.
It's an acquired taste, but once you get used to it, it's fun as hell!
Say, who wants to help me replace everybody's oxygen tanks with helium and watch these fossils sound like Tiny Tim with his nutts caught in a vice while they gasp for breath?
I thought you'd never ask!
(Smoke Out!)